I'M JES" SAYIN'....

Steve at his computer after Miami loss...

Miami Dolphins is MY TEAM, guys. And it breaks my heart to lose to Houston by one lousy point! (And I probably just lost six readers!) Have to find some replacements, maybe Kyle will start reading my blog?

GIVING:

Ya know, sometimes I meet someone coming in the door of Alcoholics Anonymous, who is really down-for-the-count. And I have a natural tendency to want to help....e.g., give him/her a few bucks.

Then I think, hell no, he'll just go and drink it up, etc. But ya know, in 'giving', I give, not directing how it'll be spent. I've heard that we should take the person out to lunch, instead of giving him cash. Well, OK, whatever...the point is--"giving".

Yep, giving...good for the soul. The most rewarding 'giving' is to give someone in need, something to fill that need (Like a gift certificate to a grocery store?). And I do it ANONYMOUSLY! Doesn't that sound COOL? Yes, it is the ultimate "cool'! They usually suspect "who did it?" But they never know for sure! Cool! I cannot help but think that my Higher Power enjoys that, also?

"In giving, do not let the left hand know what the right hand is doing!", as the saying goes...

I WAS THERE (AGE 8)

Returning from a hard day's work in the fields, they used to say to the hired hands, sitting high atop the mule-drawn wagonload of hay (the workers were by then guzzling their White Port), "Don't fall off the wagon!"

I always thought they meant actually 'fall off the wagon' which was piled high with the last hay load of the day. ...and by gosh, that's what they DID mean! Wonder if that's where the term originated? Well, it surely affects my sobriety, not knowing the correct answer to this and other similar questions!

UNSEEN SPIRIT

Occasionally I 'feel' a presence in a room with me, or on the highway, or in a field, or in a church, or in an AA meeting, or as I drop off to sleep. I wonder, was that the "Unseen Spirit" about which we've all read and heard? I like meditating on the 'Unseen Spirit'. I like meditating! That might be a fewtchah topic one day soon. Ha! Now steveroni is into "Previews of Coming Attractions"--holy crap! -big grin-

HODGEPODGE...

"The Climbing Tree"

HODGEPODGE....

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS


You probably have not noticed that somewhere on these blogs, or in comments, once a day, I purposefully write out the words "Alcoholics Anonymous". And when I give a talk, I'm sure to say those words a couple times. (BTW, last night's talk at the 'cookie' meeting went real well--it's finally come to be FUN for me when I'm asked to give a talk!)

There is a reason why I prefer to use the words, instead of just "AA". Of course, we all know for what the acronym "AA" stands. But it keeps me better focused on the real meaning of the two most important words in my life ever. Alcoholic, that's the real ME! And Anonymous, which is often NOT me. I do SO need the humility which comes with anonymity. I have a need to hear those two words spoken aloud by either me or someone else--often and daily.

THE DOUBLE "A"

Couple years ago I knew a recovering alcoholic, who always (well, for two months!) referred to our society as the "Double A". He only said that at eleven meetings, because he got drunk after that, and no one has seen him since. Salute to the "Double A".

BEETLES' "YESTERDAY"

"Yesterday.......
...all my troubles seemed so far away,
...as I returned from comatose;
...and I began to breathe again."

HERE WAS ME:

I found this paragraph in our Big Book--it defines EXACTLY my characteristic drinking/sleeping behavior for the two or three years before I was led to Alcoholics Anonymous. .....

"And I remembered the creeping horror of the interminable night, in which I slept for short spells and woke dripping with cold sweat and shaken with utter despair, to drink hastily from my bottle, and mercifully pass out again."
Edit: (And again, and again, and again. Then morning came, fucking, crappy-day morning.)

'You're insane, you're insane, you're insane' pounded through my brain with each returning ray of consciousness...and I drowned the refrain with alcohol."

--Taken from a story in Big Book: "WOMEN SUFFER TOO", pg 224 (3rd Edition)

ME TODAY:

You could not find a more consistently happy guy on this planet! (Ask my wife, Anna. She thinks I am TOO happy!) I am sober, and at peace--at least for today--with my Higher Power, Whose Name is God. I LIVE for waking, and enjoy from the first sip of coffee, my activities, which these days are mostly AA-or St Elizabeth Church-related. I love my family, my AA friends, and other friends. Especially my Blog-world friends do I love--sometimes I believe you are the closest relationships I have. Maybe that's bad, I don't think so. My Higher Power speaks to me often during a given day through you wonderful people. Thank you, thank you!

inheavenonearth-a-roni

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance: Alcoholics Anonymous is a Gift from God. However, a gift is NOT a gift unless it is accepted by a recipient. It takes two for a giving to be completed. Every gift is twice blest, in him that gives and him that takes. (Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice...greatly paraphrased)

Meeting last evening was on "acceptance". Good topic. Most everyone shared, and the thoughts centered about accepting my alcoholism--more than simply admitting it? (I always thought admitting MEANT accepting, but whatever.

Next prevalent thoughts were that I need to accept persons, places, and things, as they are--for the most part--because there is VERY little outside myself, that I can change. Even when I disagree with persons, speakers, meeting consensus, groups, governments (Ooops!), and other things, I must learn to accept them.

Well, sobriety has become a habit which I'm enjoying, and so I try to grow in this virtue which used to sound to me quite trite (rhyme!), e.g., "acceptance". And I AM lots more accepting than in the far--OR recent--past. But a thought did occur to me during the meeting. NOTE: Watch out, Steve--a thought! Thoughts are BAD for me, especially when I'm alone...or with someone.

I have become a happy person, mostly a fun person, a spirit-filled person. As long as it fits into God's will (I only discern this under adult supervision, BTW), I'll DO it. Sometimes I'll get away with it! (Joke)

I find that people in general, especially old men (I'm only 75!) seem to dislike hearing someone claim to be in a happified state more than one day a week. So I've decided to accept being happy, and to proclaim it--as long as it may last. I accept it and just let those guys enjoy drinking their unsweetened lemon juice.

More and more I am noticing how happified (yes, it's a word!) I've become these past few years, with only a few indentations in overall serenity. It is only as THE result of our (my) program. So I will live in today in an acceptance kind of way. Ha! I LOVE it!

I'm speaking tonight at the "cookie" meeting, 8 PM, and I'm gonna tell them about you people, and what an impact you have made on my program, my life, and my lack of free time and SLEEP!

I am Grateful for:

being an alcoholic

AA

family

church

happiness

MOTOR SCOOTER!!!

health

AA Friends

special friends

And CERTAINLY though last...by FAR not least--you, my blog community.

accept-a-roni

ANOTHER "P" WORD?

ANOTHER "P" WORD?

P

This is a story about P and his (our) Higher Power. Bloggers, you'll have to supply the name, because it is that name we all know so well a.k.a., Mickey. I tried to reach P to receive permission to use his first name--but "P" will have to do. Besides, this is about our Higher Power at work, not about P....or me! OK?

A number of years ago, a man named P came into our Tuesday Men's meeting, and left, then returned, then went out again, ya know what I mean. He joined the 'special research team of AA'--those who try out some more drinking, so the rest of us don't have to.

About a week ago, I noticed P again back in the room at the daily 7 AM "Early Dawn" Group. He announced he was returning. He looks good, and is a friendly chap. Fact is, he's an alcoholic and likes to drink. How unique! Duhhh. Well, P now has about 10 days or something like that, and after this morning's meeting I met P. again.

I was on my motorbike, stopped at a light, and P drove up beside me, handed me his card, said, "Please call me some time today. I want to talk to you." Well, naturally, my pride said to me, "Steve, this man finally has an acute awareness of the ONE person who he should seek to be his sponsor--Me! Right?" WRONG!!!

I was all set to blog tonight that I had a pigeon named P, I'd call him P II, etc., etc.

Digress now a minute here: This past Monday night I posted a blog about an early "Turning Point" in my AA life. God granted me the power to make a phone call, and my life was saved that night in 1975. Well, the topic of the meeting Tuesday morning (I chaired it) was "One Turning Point" in your life. P was there.

Back to real time: Today P, at that stop light in heavy traffic, handed me his card to call him. I made several calls, no answer. Finally, we connected. I was expecting him to say, "I need a sponsor". No. Instead, here, in essence is what he said:

"Steve, I want to thank you. Yesterday was one of the worst days in my life. The morning at my business was chaos. My habit when things were falling to pieces--always--was to go out at noon, and return to work the next day with a huge hangover. And so would have begun another drunk, probably this time with disastrous results."

P continued: "However, I remembered your sharing that morning about your huge 'Turning Point' when you had a choice between using the telephone, or embarking on a probable life-ending drunk....and you called for help. What a beautiful story."

P said, "And I thought to myself, if Steve could do that, so can I. So I called my sponsor C, and he and I talked, and worked it all out, and I'm still sober, and I'll see you tomorrow, Thursday morning, at the 7 AM meeting. Just wanted you to know, God IS working in my life, through you today! Thank you, thank you."

What a wonderful way to end my day. I cannot even begin to inventory things I might have done wrong today, for all the joy P's call brought me. There were other lightning-bright and illuminating events which happened around me and to me today. But this is just short of becoming a Blong, so I'll finish with expressing my heartfelt gratitude to God, AA, my wonderful meetings and friends, and for the unexplainable love God has put in my heart for you bloggers, on whom I rely so much for my continuing process of growing in spirituality!

blong-a-roni

WE OWE IT ALL TO GRANDMA...

Grandma Moses, 1953
September 7, 1860 – December 13, 1961

HOWDY DOODY, GRANDMAS

A BLONG:

Noticeably, several of the contributors to these amazing blogs are Grandmothers, and I just would enjoy to comment on that momentarily.

Grandmas are God's special gift to children, and (you know who you are!) you certainly are one of those gifts! A Grandma sometimes is 'taken for granted' by her own children, occasionally even 'used' as in "...please watch the children, I have something important which needs attention!" But Grandchildren know! They know who their Grandma is. They know that she means to them kindness, compassion, love, care giver, candy, a gift. A child realizes that Grandma IS a gift, and gladness fills the heart of a child, when told that, "Grandma is coming!"

There is something very spiritual about a Grandma. She has been a mother to a mother, or a mother to a father. She is the link between me and my ancestors. Grandmothers--since Eve--hold the key to spiritual togetherness, that spiritual connection of all humankind, from never to ever, from eterne to eternity.

My (very much German) Grandma saved my younger brother's life. he had fallen down from a hayloft onto concrete floor on his head (big-time fracture) and temperature was 106+ & he went into convulsions. He had turned the color of a purple grape. Grandma quickly assembled a tub filled with ice, and held him in it. Doctor said that act saved his life. (I was 8 years old...Jack was 3). We lived on the farm at that time. Old Grandma was simply visiting that day. Everyone else panicked. This is my recollection.

Another memory which stands out, is a happening in the year 1944. We had just acquired a new Victrola record player-recording machine. The heavily-weighted needle cut grooves into a plastic-type disk, thus was sound transmitted onto media, which could be retrieved with the record player. That's about as scientific as 'soundman-a-roni' can get! -grin- And so...Grandma was chosen as one of the first to 'cut a disk' or 'make a record'.

I'll never forget the sound of her Germanic-laden words, as she 'prayed' in her fashion, for the farm, the livestock, the hired hands, for all her own children, for the success of their businesses. Grandma prayed for her many (more than 40) grandchildren. Then she took another tack, prayed for the poor cold, wet, muddied and bloodied soldiers (on both sides) in Europe, in her mother country, those dying souls, who had not even the barest of chances to develop, live, and grow.

My real surprise came then, like a gunshot--I heard her pray for those who "could not put down the drink", those whose "...lives were in shambles, due to their obsession with alcohol." She did not use the word 'alcoholism', or 'alcoholic', but I knew of whom she spoke.

Funny, but that was the age when my own nickname had been reduced from 'Alkaseltzer' to 'Alkie'. None at that time realized that my nickname, the casual word 'Alkie', would soon prove prophetic, and would define my existence for the next thirty years.

And I would never, in a thousand years have believed, even thought for an instant, that you YOUNG Grandma Triathloners, and others like you, would let God work through you to save MY life. And now I know the secret...you did it so that you might stay sober, and so that I might be one day helpful to other alcoholics.

And you did (stay sober) and I AM (helping other 'Alkies')! I'm EVER so grateful!

Love ya, Grandmas!
--gramps-a-roni

WE STOOD AT THE TURNING POINT

WE STOOD AT THE TURNING POINT

A topic at the "New Dawn" Group 7 AM meeting Tuesday morning will be "The turning Point". I know this because I am chairing. Whatever topic one of the 65 people might wish to suggest, I can easily work it around to "Turning Point"! (NOTE: I prefer the 6 AM meeting, usually from 10-15 people.)

This evening, I got to thinking over some of the numerous turning points in my life, before and after I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA saved me from a horrible period of continuing suffering, which probably would have have been followed by a horrendously painful and early death, that's true. But AA provided me a wonderful second (chance at) life of spiritual growth, usefulness, and participation in the game of enjoying this earthly existence.

The preface to today's turning point blog, is that I had my last drink the night BEFORE I entered into the inner sanctum of this fellowship , so wrongly named as one of the "self-help" programs, available to the insanity-laden drunk. This is an "unself" program, it is centered around "Selflessness". Each of our Twelve Steps begins with an invisible word "We", which actually IS the first word in the First Step. We don't drink, we go to meetings, and we help others--and we do lots of other stuff -grin-.

One year after I became a non-drinking member of AA, I came home--sober--one evening to an empty house. Gone was my wife, my children, all utensils, all furniture, I mean EMPTY! There was an old telephone on the floor, unplugged. I figured someone forgot to grab it on the last trip out. I was so heart broken. My spirit was gone. My 'feel-good' felt bad. I was shaking, sweating, my stomach felt as if I had been punched. And I was again "Alone and Lonely. I knew that loneliness such as few do. But all that was nothing that a good quart of vodka could not take care of, and make "all better"--instantly!

And I wrestled with this problem for a good length of time. Finally, I plugged into the socket that old phone and called our 24-hour Club. It was 8:50 PM. I asked whoever answered to send someone to my house NOW! I hurt bad, was only an inch from a drunk. Well might I never have recovered from that one.

Fifteen minutes later Tim came to my house, and he sat, listened, and watched, as I moaned and cried--more like sobbed. And he hugged me. First time ever a MAN showed that unexplainable love for me, that compassion, that identifying moment, as if to say to me,

"I know.
I've been where you are.
And I have been given a way out of my chaos.
I can show you the way,
if you are willing to work and learn,
and let God do the things you cannot."

Tim was my second sponsor. Often I think of Tim, and thank God for putting him into my life.

I realize each of us have similarly-placed events which we recall from time to time. Very few events in this life do I own. Well, this one I own. This one is mine! It is one of my most cherished early gifts.

NOTE: The second most prevalent "Turning Point" in my AA life happened during the past three months, that of being able to see myself more clearly--and at the same time meet all of you bloggers--on a daily basis, by writing and commenting. And it has been good for me. And I LOVE it, no mistake about that!

Thank you! With great gratitude,

turningpoint-a-roni

KICK STANDS UP!

KICK-STANDS UP

Sunday

This Sunday afternoon, it was my hidden thrill to be a part of (other than apart from!) a group of 100 two-wheeled motor vehicles, usually known as "Hawlees", or Harley Davidson(s). One of these vehicles was a motor scooter (mine). The destination today was Bonita Springs, FL. There, we joined in the celebration of a man's life.

Tim G. was a "do-it" type of guy, into everything associated with alcoholism recovery--he was "a part of"... Tim was killed back in August 2008, when a truck broadsided his "Hawlee". He was a very active member of several groups in Naples, did the jail and treatment center scenes, sponsored guys, attended many meetings, and was truly loved by all who knew him, and many who did not.

His wife, riding her own Harley that day, was involved in the same accident and severely injured. She only recently recovered enough to host a memorial celebration service for her husband. In typical Alanon fashion, she had Kleenex boxes strategically located to catch alcohol-free tears which were flowing throughout the ceremony.

It was impressive to me, a first-timer, adhering to the almost exciting command, "KICK-STANDS UP!" at 1:15 PM sharp. It was almost as with one click, stands were locked in place and engines roared. I kept feeling lots of hot air on my legs, blowing like engine puffs, and I recall thinking, "Oh wow, how embarrassing for the only motor scooter (mine) to be disabled before we got out into the heavy traffic.

I yelled my problem to the fellow next to me, and he pointed for me to look at the huge twin pipes on the monster several yards in front of me. Sure, it was his exhaust--puff...puff--which was making my trouser bottoms flap and blow as if in a hurricane.

We were instructed to go neither fast, nor slow, but reverently, and emergency flashers were on. Question: How do you make a Harley ride reverently? Answer: You pray that the guy close behind you at 61 mph is also working a good program of recovery. (I made that up, that's why it ain't very funny!)

The point here was that I was made to feel so much at home. These bikers, dressed in holey-kneed jeans are just not as rude and gruff as they seem--and they DO smile and laugh! But they seldom let 'normal' people see that side of themselves.

At one busy cross-street, the guy next to me and I were caught at a stop light, no way to run it. Besides, there were 50 bikes behind us--and 50 bikes in front of us (sound like a joke?). It dawned on me that he and I were now leading the split-off section. So I told him I'd never led a convoy before (hell, never even been IN one!), and this huge, muscle-bulging man said he's never led before either! So, we did the 'job', with superlative maneuvering and directing.

However...I confessed to him that I didn't know where we were going, that it would be up to him. That's when he said HE didn't know either, where we were headed. All we knew was the name of a church in Bonita. But, we did get us all there, in spite of our novice-like approach.

This was for me, another in a long list of God-shots in sobriety, which I would never have contemplated when drinking. No one else would have contemplated asking me to join them either!

All 300-400 people said the Serenity Prayer, and it gave me that sort of 'rush' you get when at a conference or convention of 20,000, all saying our usual stuff. It was goose-bump time.

I've been to dozens of AA funerals spanning years of "membership", and I do not say it lightly, that this one was the first which was actually FUN. Thank You, God, for a safe, fun, ride. A biker cannot ask for more.

LITTLE OF THIS AND A LITTLE OF THAT

A LITTLE AA AND A LITTLE AMU STUFF (AVE MARIA UNIVERSITY)

Really I have not the slightest clue what this blog entry has to do with sobriety. Well, for one thing...the writer is me, and I'm sober! Another Happy Day!

BTW, I think I should let y'all in on a secret. Up to now, only Mary C has known that Prayer Girl is my wife Anna. She's getting pretty busy these days, but I certainly hope she continues to blog...I believe Anna has a lot to offer us. And she prays a lot...to Someone Who listens a lot! She's as much a 'keeper' as all you, my new friends on these blogrolls. (IMHO!)

Ramblings:

One of my Adult Supervisors:
A real sober lady I know uses the term "adult supervision", when speaking of her sponsor, or others to whom she looks for counsel. She humbly and consistently provides uncommonly common-sense advice to all who seek it, and has developed a devoted 'following' of alcoholic recoverers. This fine woman says that she keeps herself removed from pot, cocaine, alcohol, and mind-altering men!

One story is about a guy who walks into the bar and orders a double scotch, neat (no ice, no water). Immediately he orders and drinks another, then another, and another. After about 20 'anothers', he gets up to leave, and the bartender says to him, "Hey, the first drink you ordered is still sitting here, untouched." The weaving fellow slurs back at him, "Well, they told me that it was always the first one which would get me drunk."

New City, New University:

Ave Maria's Oratory (photo above) is now a parish church. Ave Maria, Florida sort of resembles a refined, and very catholic, Disney World section. In only a couple short years, the city now boasts that oratory, Ave Maria University with dormitories, a grade school, and a town, with a coffee shoppe! And People actually have moved there. It is 20 miles from the 'end of the world" so-to-speak. It's about 36 miles from our house, all country-type roads.

Anna and I attended the dedication where I had to pretend lameness in order to get a seat for the 2-plus hour event. Bishops, priests, nuns (from Spain--they are professors at the university), students, tourists and townspeople populated the palace-like structure.

We met and traded email addresses with people from Germany and England--we were even invited to spend time as guests by the British couple.

Before ending this posting I've GOT to tell y'all about Ave Maria dedication service. Most of the singing (even the mass) was sung in LATIN...OH! the JOY! It's been so many years since I've heard such beautiful choirs and soloists (AMU students) and expert organ handling. The acoustics rivaled many concert halls. I will not go deeper into this, because it would become a REAL blong!

Couple other times I rode out there on Flex (bike), once to meet a guy who works in Ave Maria, and wanted to stay sober. We attended the nooner mass, and he bought ME lunch! We were making progress for a few weeks, when he suddenly decided he is OK. This happened about two months ago.

I look forward to later today, visiting all your blogs, maybe even commenting (Ha! As if you could stop me from that.)

Received a few posts from Patrick this morning, thought he was long gone. It must be him who someone was blogging about the other day (getting rid of one more obnoxious blog visitor?) And Mr Paranoia thought she was referring to me! But, again, I'm still learning, "Steve, it's just not about you!" Well, thank God, again this time, it's NOT!

can't see the forest for the trees

AVE MARIA, FLORIDA
TWENTY MILES FROM NOWHERE

can't see the forest for the trees

A lover pressed his suit unsuccessfully for many months, suffering the atrocious pains of rejection. Finally his sweetheart yielded. "Come to such-and-such a place, at such-and-such an hour," she said to him.

At that time and place the lover finally found himself seated beside his beloved. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheaf of love letters that he had written to her over the past months. They were passionate letters, expressing the pain he felt and his burning desire to experience the delights of love and union. He began to read them to his beloved. The hours passed by, but still he read on and on.

Finally, the woman said, "What kind of fool are you? These letters are all about me and your longing for me. Well, here I am sitting with you at last, and you are lost in your stupid letters."


"Here I am with you." says God, "and you keep reflecting about me in your head, talking about me with your tongue, and searching for me in your books. When will you shut up and see?"

from THE SONG OF THE BIRD, by Anthony deMello, Page 101
"The Talkative Lover"

WHO...me? busy?

WHO...me?

Today I was asked to speak at the rather large "cookie meeting" October 9. That will be fun for me, because it is the group where I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous for the first and only time in March 1974. There is only one lady left from those long-ago days. She is in Alanon. She is not young. About 200 people usually go there on Thursday nights.

I have many friends who attend regularly--from other groups. A lot of us go to a lot of meetings, and feel very much at home in a lot of groups.

My Home Group is the New Dawn 6 AM and 7 AM every day, and I go there every day.

Also I'm speaking at the ******Club October 18, that's a Saturday 8 PM. It's called a "structured" meeting, because men must remove their hats. I laugh at this--should not men remove their hats ANYWAY? And they require that the speaker wear a tie. I might wear a tie, might not.

I used to say,
in an UNhumble way,
"I only wear a tie when they pay me."

But that thinking is in the past also, so I'll put on a (Ughhhhh!) clean shirt and a tie, no doubt.

Also I was asked to chair for October the Tuesday morning 7 AM meeting which is a Topic-discussion. That will be easy. After all these years, I have beaucoup topics, except when I 'blank out'.

And these people are my friends, at least that's the way I see them. Often I hear God speak to me--through them. That used to be the only way I could be reached by God, through others. But sometimes (seldom) he sneaks into my brain while I'm meditating, with no distractions--none.

Also Anna and I and about 250 others who we have not yet met, are going on an AA cruise leaving October 26 returning November 2. There will be many more people aboard than us alkies, but a coffee room will be open 24/7 for that week, and we'll have meetings, meetings, etc.

Seems as if God thinks I need some extra doses of humility this month, or maybe these activities have piled up, for me to just see if I can Keep a tiny bit of humility? It's in His hands anyway, because that's where I've put it all.

Also playing masses at St Elizabeth Seton is a weekly thing for me now, this week Saturday at 4:30, and Sunday at 7:30. The times are my choices. I love doing that. But the congregation likes it all so much also, that I have to keep my ego in check. I just remember that I'm using God's gifts, in His house, for His people, and many other persons are engaged in many other activities, most of which are not so visible (nor aural!). But ALL are so very worthy.

This Sunday at 1 PM, lots of bikers (and me) are assembling in Naples, to ride to Bonita Springs to attend a memorial service for AA biker Tim G. He was killed recently when a truck slammed into his Harley. His wife sustained severe injuries also (on her own Harley) in the same accident. She will be there Sunday.

I've never ridden with a hundred bikers before this. Of all the things I have going, this is the one which scares me. Maybe (oh, this again?) let go, and let God? Hmmmmmm?

I wish you all Sobriety, Peace, and God's love.

busyguy-a-roni