SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 6, 2008

PRAYER PEOPLE,
PLEASE PRAY FOR MY DOCTOR!

Hey, I'd just like to ask for some prayers today. This is early, though, because I'll need them Monday morning at 8:30-10 AM. Understand, I have no fear, just wish an extra cushion of assurance that everything will turn out for the better.

Ya see, it's like this. I play a violin. If you've ever played a musical instrument, and read notes, you'll understand what I'm saying. When playing in a concert or a church, the notes look fuzzy (as in wuzzy-was-a-bear!) and a note that should appear on a line, might look to me like a note in the space below. NOT good.

So, my eye-guy is going to do a cataract job on my right eye, Monday morning, and the left eye probably a week later (hopefully). He is also installing some kind of $2,000 lenses in each eye.

The reason I'm asking for your prayers TODAY, is because SOME (guess who?) people will be traveling to North Carolina, etcetera. And some do not Blog on weekends...and I need them all to pray if they will. So please pray, whoever reads this--not for me, but for my doctor! I wish to make sure God is with him Monday, that he doesn't stop off at Joe's Tavern on the way to the hospital. (On The Other Hand, if he needs a drink to 'calm the nerves', maybe a 'Joe's Tavern gig' would be advisable?)

I really believe in the Power of Prayer. It's why I call "Princess Powerless", well, I call her "Powerful Princess". We all witness that Power, again and again, as the miracles walk into our AA rooms. Some of those miracles leave, and some return. But just BEING here, for however long, is the miracle, to me. I am reminded of that God-Power as being only a thought away, all day, all night, all the time. It is a gift. It is mine to use. I must ask for it often, until it becomes habit. And all I must give back, is Thanks, and then Praise. I must install gratitude into my attitude.

I have never been afraid of surgical procedures on myself. Just always figure that God is in charge, as usual. And I appoint my doctor as my "Higher Power"-for-the-day. I will not mention this again, except to let ya know next week, how it went.

Nothing is truer than truth. Truth IS, I enjoy some wonderful gifts from God; sobriety, nature, chocolate, this AA program, you recovering people, my family, the world, and life, and love and chocolate.

I truly thank each of you for your Blogging time, your kind comments, your support...and truly, I love all you Blogger people!

And, believe me, so does God.
Steve E.

RAMBLING RAMBLES

MY NEW FACE-TO-FACE MEETING

Last night I attended a Big Book 'first meeting'. Judy recognized a need for a 6 PM Thursday time slot, so she brought her coffee pot, etc., and invited people to "suit up and show up". Judy, who I have known for 25 years--she would hate me for this--is the 'founder' of this start-up, and we do 164 pages, one sentence at a time. Rather than read out a whole chapter, we do a lot more dissecting, which some like, and some do not. This first meeting we read a half page of "Forward to the First Edition"--you know--the one which begins, "We of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body."

Actually, I've learned there were 87 members at that time, and many of them got drunk...but ya know, that's what alcoholics DO--DRINK! That's why we're HERE. "...to stay sober..."!!! Right? And to help others! Right? (Let's DO-IT--that 'other' four-letter word!)

So twelve of us gathered for this first session, and we sure hit it off! I'll be back next Thursday. Later, at the large (150-200 persons) 8 PM 'cookie meeting' I found out that two from our 'start-up' meeting were speakers at the 'cookie' meeting and another was chairperson, and three more were attendees. Wow, since I get to so many meetings these days, I'm finding that so do lots of others--winners!

But I'm gonna tell you all a secret now. My FAVORITE meeting is right here on line with YOU AA Anonymous bloggers. I would NEVER have figured that I could come to know so well, and care so much for others, having never met them, face-to-face.

Of course, I can 'hide' here a little of myself. OTOH (On The Other Hand) in the course of writing my thoughts...I can be EVER more truthful. And I am CERTAIN, that even though my (and your) comments are nearly always most agreeable, there is loads of help and support going out from these keyboards every hour of every day. I have learned to trust you, and--in a fashion--bare my soul to you on occasion. You are SO kind, caring and loving, in return.

After all, Who is in charge here? Why--wouldn't ya know?...GOD! And I see Him working through your Blog entries, and comments, time after time. I am so grateful He has allowed me to find this place, which is like another 'home'...another meeting, another whole world of God's gifts.

At this 'new' meeting, I met a girl interested in our blogging community, and she has now posted, for her first time in any place on the Internet. Her name is Prayer Girl--and I know for a fact, that is not a misnomer. She is a wonderful person, God has smiled on her and showered her with many gifts, which she may divulge in time--or not. If you have a moment, please welcome Prayer Girl to this wonderful "other way of AA life". God blesses you ALL, and me, too. And He loves you all, and so do I,
Steve E.

A BLONG--I MEAN "BLOG"

A FOLLOW-UP

Listen, I've just GOT to write a short (HA!) follow-up to my blog entry of this past Monday, Sept 2 . I remember thinking (maybe writing?) that I received an "instant" Step 7 relief Monday at noon, in a church. This is my first real true experience of that nature ("UN-nature"?). Well, I was not 'talking through my hat' about that. It is GONE, that problem of Pride wearing the garment of False Humility. Of course, I AM cooperating with God on this, but HE did the removal, just like if I deleted a file in my computer. One day soon, I'll have to 'Wash' my mental Hard Drive, and then Defrag it, maybe re-install the OS--to you who might be new to computing, those are NOT dirty words!

Here's the Blog:

A contractor Emailed me Tuesday regarding an annual event, a performance of THE MESSIAH in late November. Each year I play this job, and each year I'm the last man in the section (remember, "False" low self esteem?). Of course, I'm always knowing that I could play anywhere in the violin section--it's not a matter of being capable, just a matter of me, 'pretending to be Humble'!! Also, there is that matter of building a potential for resentments over time, yes? YES!

This year she sent a message to all violinists, asking which chair (in the orchestra seating arrangement) we'd prefer to sit, and I fired an "E" right back at her saying "I'd like to be the first violinist, for a change."

Today, Wednesday, she sent a 'seating chart' and guess what? I'm the Concertmaster! Now, understand, this is really no "big deal", except to ME, and only in regard to my new-found freedom "to BE me".

The ONLY reason I'm posting this is to show someone--anyone?--that it works, our program works! These steps really, REALLY work, if I but live them, integrate them into my daily behaviors. And I cannot just make them work for say, twenty years, then say to myself, "Well, those steps do work. So now I can forget THAT!" No, no, no! This is a lifelong task of growth. As we all know, the more I grow, the more I'm able to allow God to use me to do His work.

And after we stop drinking.......isn't that what it's all about?
Gratefully, Peace and Love, from
Steve E.

A BLONG DAY OFF? NOT!

ENUFF STUFF, ALREADY.
GO TO BED, STEVE!

OMG, here it is noon already, and I have not yet posted for Wednesday. Wrote someone last night that I had just 'run out of thoughts', sort of feel like, brain dead. So maybe I'll just 'pass' on posting today? (Question mark is bacause I know me, and some of YOU do also, -g-. Does the word "blong" come to mind?)

I got to attend two meetings this morning, 6 and 7AM, than went to a rehearsal for coming Sunday masses. I was so tired I forgot to take my violin. That only happened one time in 60 years of playing professionally.

My problem is not alcohol. Heck, I do not drink! My problem is LIVING without it, and staying "willing to grow along spiritual lines." My other problem is NOT getting up at 4:30AM. That's easy! My problem is getting TO bed before MIDNIGHT! Still have not figured out how to change (I know, that 'change' word...PHHHTTTT!!), how to change from being a 'night' person to an 'early morning' person.

The smell of coffee brewing, and sound of a rooster crowing, wake me like an alarm. But after the house is quiet (I'm not gonna say AS A MOUSE!) and the only light comes from a monitor, I simply lose complete track of time. So when I glance at the screen--usually about midnight--and I see all these undecipherable images, I realize that my head has been resting on the keyboard, and it's time to say my prayers for the people I've met, on and off-line, for my family, relatives, friends, and for the doctor who is SUCKING a cataract from behind my eyeball early Monday morning, the first of--naturally--TWO!

NOTE: I should be careful with the use of certain words, I saw what happened several days ago on the comments.....innnnuendos, etc., shameful! VBG! Doctor is also implanting a lens, as I understand it. I know, they wanted the money up front, maybe that's why he's special in my prayers these nights?

I would ask you all to pray for my doctor, and me, Sunday night in particular, and/or Monday morning. I DO believe in the power of prayer. It's hardly a belief, for I have SEEN it work:

Did I ever tell you all, that one of my sisters is a catholic nun. She told me just several months ago, that in 1974 (when I had my last drink) a WHOLE CONVENT at Mt St Joesph in Cincinati OH, was praying for me that WHOLE year! And I used to wonder--back when 'wondering' felt good--I'd wonder, "God, why did you give ME this gift of sobriety? I do not deserve it, I did not earn it, I'll bet there are some strings attached!!

Well, I found out, there ARE string attached. They are our Twelve Steps, most succinctly iterated on page 164 in our Big Book. Four short sentences state ALL twelve steps: "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to others. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find, and join us." So, 4+0=12 is our equasion for today...

Well, my wonderful friends, that's Enuff Stuff from me for this "day off from the Blog". I wish a special welcome to one of my (and Kristin's) new friends, I'll just call her "G" she's on my blog roll, now she's got to 'get with the program'! -grin- Meaning, to blog more often, that's OFTEN! OK?
Her place is here, so pay a visit--she's nice.

And yes, I really love you all (See, I told you I am so tired, almost crying with Gratitude, for you all and for all the gifts with which we have been entrusted...not 'encrusted', damn it!)

Steve E. NOW, what do I 'name' this sucker????? Oh, yeah! OK!

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 2, 2008

SOMETIMES PRIDE POSES AS HUMILITY

Ya know, I have this horrible, self-deprecating habit of belittling myself. This has been a defect of mine since childhood. I have been stuck in the quagmire of self-pity, self-degradation, for FAR too long--under the guise of, yes, HUMILITY. My 'humility' really "showed its ass" to me this morning, as being none other than my old f'k'g enemies, Pride and Ego! The first sin ever, PRIDE, the sin of Lucifer and Adam! (and Steve!)...and others?

This blog entry is not to analyze my 'false' self put-down (I just then DID analyze, 'didja 'get it'? -grin-), but to allow me to verbalize, recognize privately, and publicly admit it.

As a child, I remember being called--if once, a thousand times--"Du bist fünfhundert dummer esels!" That's 'German' for "You are five hundred dumb jackasses!" From early memory until I walked out of our home at age 17, those are the words which even today ring in my ears. My younger brother and sisters suffered no such admonishments to my recollection. Just me (Poor me? -g-)...

Ever since those days, I've sort of buried my feelings (Ugh! "feelings") about the scorn I "heard" in that German expression. And I SO wanted to please that man--my father--now ya know! Just never could 'live up' to whatever he expected. Admittedly, I fell short--and still do--in common sense stuff, after all, I'm a musician! Ha!

Sure, I figured, "I'm not good enough to be a first-violinist, etc.," so I always settled for 'second fiddle'. For sixty years, whenever there was no prior seating arrangement, I always chose to sit in the back, allowing others to place themselves in the more enviable, responsible positions up front. Always have I given others my seat on a crowded bus, even though I might have been experiencing "body all achin' and racked with pain".

These behaviors of mine did not seem problematic, until my first hint, about ten years ago. Eugene, a good friend and 'cello player, told me in a serious, quiet voice, "Steve, you have always been your own worst enemy." (I had asked him something like why did I always seem to get picked LAST!!!)

Sunday, I spoke out with a stupid "self-put-me-down" in front of a musician friend/choir director (who hires me) and she said to me, "Steve, don't DO that...stop acting like a child"... And Monday morning, Martha (between the 6 and the 7 AM Alcoholics Anonymous meetings) took me aside, and stated the following: "Steve, I am tired of hearing you speak so lowly of yourself. You say such wonderful things, which help the new people, then you ruin it, by telling us you don't know what you're talking about. Cut it OUT! Quit it NOW!"

Well, it was "wake up time in the Rockies"...I said to myself, Steve, ask for help. Well, every morning Anna and I go to the church yard so she can 'practice' riding her scooter, turning, stopping, starting, picking it up, etc. This morning, I went INTO the church--she doesn't need ME to practice riding--and I prayed. I prayed to God, and also asked the angels and saints (those I knew of) to intercede for me in this venture of exorcism. I even asked my father (BTW, he was totally deaf and blind, that's why I never hit him over the head with a bat!) to help me, believing he--long dead-- might have some insight in this matter.

Then, right in front of the tabernacle, came my 'clincher' thought. God spoke to me (not out loud!). He planted these thoughts, believe me: "(Steve), when you belittle yourself, your words, your actions" (Edit: remember, these are God's words and actions which I am doing, in AA and in church), "you are belittling ME, your heavenly Father, Who made you in His image and likeness. If you believe in Me, trust me to raise up your self-esteem, so you can enhance My Greatness, rather than try to detract from It."

And so I continued to pray for an hour, asking God Almighty to allow me to experience that real humility, realizing my true worth, so that I may go out to proclaim His Power, His Love, His Greatness, His Way of Life--like it states in our Third Step Prayer!

NOTE: I was going to Email this to a special AA friend on my blogroll, but it got too long, so I decided to make it today's BLONG! (That's a "BLOG which is too LONG, MY coined word. See, I can take credit for something already! Thank You, God!)

I feel very tired, like after a well played musical session, or a true spiritual experience, ya know what I mean? That "Good" kind of tired! AMEN!

A.M.D.G. from Steve E. ...I love you all!

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 1, 2008

Please click on picture to enlarge

LABOR DAY, MONDAY SEPT 1, 2008

FEAR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW!

Fear IS me. My name should have been "Fearful Tearful". When I arrived at the door of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was age 40, and had never heard the word "paranoid".

At one of my earlier meetings, the topic was "Fear and Paranoia", so I figured the two were somehow related, -grin- a real great deduction on my part! (Remember, I had bypassed the "Beginner's Group" and the Steps...and had installed myself in this "more intelligent, non-smoking, discussion" group.) OK, so, to join myself to these brilliant ones, I made claim to the title 'Mr Paranoia'. I thought that might set me apart as unique.

They all laughed, not AT me as I suspected, but WITH me as I wished. See, I was paranoid, right?

Each one of us in AA has sat in that same chair, that 'new person' chair--the one which is never dry, never free of perspiration. Even the CHAIR is full of fear, anxiety, frustration, and those black thoughts which are entertained by only the very ill.

Scared of my shadow, that was really me. Many times I'd jump away from that 'darker' spot on the street or sidewalk--that spot which was...ME, my shadow! Fear of everything is how Lucy and Linus (above) depicted his fear. My own fear fit that description, pantophobia. Do you know, I had so MANY mental problems, so many tangled emotional "issues" (I hate that word, also!), I was really ONE sick puppy.

1. "And I lied when even the truth would have sufficed."

2. I've never met one qualified to join my exalted state of phoniness, pretending to be ALWAYS who I was not. Naturally, alcohol took care of that problem, allowing me to really BE someone else, any time, all the time.

3. Meet me, the expert "put-down" artist, I say EXPERT. Most people had not the slightest notion that they were being 'worked over'--or DID they (paranoia?) -grin-

4. That farmer at bottom of p.82 in BB, that was ME! Fifteen YEARS of sober living before i understood the meaning of that paragraph. I thought of it as a very astute, out-of-place remark, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" (Appropriate comment on the day of Hurricane Gustav's landfall on Gulf coast of U.S.)

5. Most of my problem WAS fear. Fear of "What are you thinking?" When, truth be told, you are no doubt...thinking of YOU! (Well, maybe not you!)

6. And, OMG--money fears, having money or NOT having money, paying past-due bills, children's school clothing, tuition, school bus fare You fill in your fears, and they were probably mine. There was fear of fear, fear of people, fear of driving, fear of anyone who did not smile...

7. After sobriety my problem switched...now it became Pride. But that's another blog entry. (Hey, I really LIKE delineating--numbering--items, it produces a focus, and induces a succinctness in the process of communication. You bloggers showed me this, so I'll try it again. Thanks!)

8. Hopefully, the pendulum is swinging back, and might slow, or stop at some mid-point between HERE and FEAR.

Bottom line is that with all my "grave emotional and mental disorders..." it (maybe I'm grateful about this!) not once occurred to me to seek medical help or counseling. I'm here to let you all know that it was this Twelve-Step Program of AA which healed me on a contingency basis ("contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition...").

And it was the Power of my God, Who brought me to AA, and you AA people, who brought me back to Him--that changed my life so utterly completely, a turn-around you could only believe had you "known me back when"...

I'm so sleepy, I hope this made a little sense, maybe I'll edit tomorrow morning (Monday.)?

I still love you all--even if you didn't read this far!
Steve E.

SUNDAY AUGUST 31, 2008

THOROUGHLY FOLLOWED OUR PATH

Not IF it will happen, but WHEN; and that is a question, also a fact of life...when will I next boil over, spill out, and burn whatever or whoever I touch? The occurrence is rare these days, but it happens, right?--you know who you are! I go off the deep end, and lose sight of everything I've learned these many years in Alcoholics Anonymous. God always seems to find someone nearby, to set me back on track. Because I am like a train, which after a good start, is difficult to stop, like, dead in its tracks.

At my first AA meeting I heard the words "who has thoroughly followed our path." And somehow I knew this would not, could not, be me! I vaguely knew what they were talking about--something which had rules by which I might be bound to live. I did not hear much else, except they did invite me back (wonder of wonders?). They said, "Don't drink, and come back next week." So I went back the following week--and the next week, and the one after that. I made 13 meetings in 90 days. The only 90-in-90 I knew of was years and years of daily drinking.

Thoroughly follow our path, just what did that mean? I got into a nice, comfortable, open-air discussion group. It was much more suited to my level of superior intelligence than those smoke-filled 'beginner' meetings, one of which I had reluctantly attended. I figured the non-smokers HAD to be smarter than the 'regular' drunks.

One week, the chairperson, Jim P., (who had been sober 25 years and became my sponsor) suggested that the group do the Twelve Steps, one each week. I felt awed that they would do this just for me...for I never dreamed they made a practice of doing the steps, once they had finished with them.

Ya see, I had it figured, that by slipping (bad word!) past the 'Beginners' and into the 'grown-ups', I'd slip through without having to do the steps. WRONG! As it turned out, I did one step each week, with the whole group of about 12 as my 'sponsor(s). In two months I had completed the course, and was on my way to Alcoholism Recovery Stardom! All this is in my log book.

I do remember immediately after having completed Step 5, it happened to me just as described in our Big Book on page 75: I withheld nothing and was delighted (Phew!), and I could look the world in the eye. Fear fell away, I felt that peace, which comes from God being near. I had a definite spiritual experience of a sort. MY DRINK PROBLEM DISAPPEARED! I felt for the first time a 'part of', rather than 'apart from' you all. I walked with a light step, on that cloud we all know so well.

Well, the next four weeks (next four steps) were a complete surprise, because I thought I was finished with this stuff. Nope.

As for steps 10 and11, I continue to learn, and have to continually remind myself that these valuable tools are here for my use, for the taking, for FREE.

Step 12 I identified with as soon as I saw the word "practice" there. I knew what "practice" meant...it meant from now on, always and forever, just how I had to work on the violin, every day, every day, forever. No vacation ever. It (violin AND 12 Steps) became my way of life. And I go to meetings regularly. Since retirement, I make usually several meetings a day, there are so many in our little village--well, 45 years ago it WAS a village! (Actually, when I arrived at the AA door, in 1974, there were about six meetings a week. Now there are nearly 200 meetings each week, and more being started almost every week.)

I guess the point is, along with "became willing to grow along spiritual lines", I early on "surrendered" my will to my fellows, later to my God--I did not drink, and I did not die. And I thoroughly "followed our path" as they said for me to do. In gratitude...

I love you all for being here for me, as I am here for you,
Steve E.

PRAYER?? YESSS!!

ONE DAY AT A TIME
or
CANNOT EAT TOMORROW'S LUNCH, TODAY

Ahhh! Saturday. This is the day we ride in a group to Ft Myers beach, for an 8 AM Men's meeting, then go to breakfast. The meeting is fine, but heck--we have plenty of great meetings here in Nap***, F* -g-. The REAL reason we go is for the beautiful morning 'ride' over Gulf waters, yeahhh! And the breakfast scene after, in a Mom-'n-Pop diner--that's the draw.

And so I go to sleep, knowing tomorrow brings sober fun, with sober guys, and no vodka at breakfast! And, as usual, tonight I say to God, "Whatever You ask of me tomorrow, I'm here to do it, willingly, knowing that You are with me when I'm doing Your work. It cannot be any other way, even when I do not 'feel' Your Divine presence. And whatever good might be shown me, I'll let all who will listen, know that the only reason I'm still living is You wanted me to stay here. There is work to be done, joyful work, glad work! Important work. Live one day at a time. (I cannot eat tomorrow's lunch, today!)

And then, just as I fall asleep, I wonder who God will put in my path tomorrow? Who will I meet, greet, and who will look at me with joy in their eye, and who will return my smile. What stranger will reveal to me that we are NOT strangers, but all parts, all pieces, of God's indescribable puzzle. Each of us fit somewhere, and together we make it whole.

it's the same in blog-land. Which blog entry today will have special meaning for me? Usually, each speaks to me, and somehow I realize that often it is God's words appearing on the screen.

Anna told me tonight, that she has noticed that I've reached a new level of happiness--she's known me 20 years. Of course, she did not say whether the level was higher, or lower. And I did not ask! But it is true. I attend many, many meetings, and spend time reading and commenting the blogs. I have a sort of wonderful correspondence, an understanding, with at least one of our bloggers, an old timer. And I get to play music, and don't forget, my current sole transportation is the 120 mph Suzuki Bergman scooter. In truth, I love almost (not perfect, ya know!) everyone I meet. It's never been like this before in my life. God is doing wonderful things for me and with me. I'll tell you about them, one at a time--now and then. Some, I've mentioned the past eight weeks, here. (Seems like I've been blogging two years instead of two months!) But hey...One Day at a Time!

And I pray, forgot to mention that little item. My favorite reminder, from God Calling:

"Never weary in prayer. When one day man sees how marvelously his prayer has been answered, then he will deeply, so deeply, regret that he prayed so little."
--pg 89, GOD CALLING ...A.J. Russell-- On line, this is called "Two Listeners"...

And I get to play violin at mass at 4 PM tomorrow, then a great non-fat "Cracker Barrel" meat loaf dinner with macaroni (rhymes with 'steveroni'), followed by a speaker meeting. One of my friends, also an old-timer, will be sharing her story, and I know it will be good, and will gently, spiritually, touch more than a few in the room. (Here am I -g-, eating tomorrow's meat loaf, TODAY!)

May God bless all you sober people, and me, too. Good night.
I Love you,
Steve E. (I am SO grateful!)

LOVE TRAIN STORY NUMBER TWO

NEVER A DULL MOMENT?
or
PUT YOUR SHOES (AND SHIRT) ON, LUCY!

The following is from my "DINNER TRAIN" memories. My job was to play violin, as I strolled (Ha!) through six long, old, squeaking railroad cars, which were set up like dining rooms. On the train, seated customers enjoyed the four-hour moonlit ride. The train stopped on an old RR bridge, at the mid-point of a wide expanse of water near the Gulf of Mexico. There, diners drank fine wine, ate a fine dinner, and were finely entertained by a group of professional actors performing a 'Mystery' play . Of course, all aboard savored the tuxedo-adorned, joke-telling, strolling violinist -VBG-.



About 5 PM Valentine's Day 2005, I was sitting in my truck, eating a sandwich. I had arrived early for this gig, since it was far from home, and musicians DO that--get there early. So, relaxing before my job, a slight six o'clock breeze winded its way through the old defunct shopping center. I was parked about six hundred yards from where I would eventually be, basking in that state between awake and sleep. I could not help noticing a 14-passenger van--being driven erratically--pass me by and park about half the distance between my truck and the train station.

The train was scheduled to depart in an hour, 6 PM. The van was situated in a area which shielded them from public view. But me...I had a clear line of vision. Almost immediately jumped out of all four doors, a whole family; grandparents, parents, a couple other adults, and five children aged about 3 to 17 years old, my guess! They had obviously spent the day at the beach, all attired in bathing suits, with towels hanging everywhere. Well, I saw them hang up street clothes on the open van doors, and then...and then...and then they ALL, children and adults and old folks, shed their swim wear, like at a signal. And I saw them walking about unabashedly in their birthday suits, toweling, drying each other, wearing nary a stitch. Next, they all walked around the van, searching out each one's own hanger of street clothes. It was the only time I have ever actually seen (OK 'watched'!) people dress themselves from scratch (sorry!). They did not see me ogling...and I (not an habitual voyeur) was kicking myself for leaving my binoculars at home. But I DID get quite an eyeful for about fifteen minutes. Guess I might have asked St. Augustine for help, cranked up the Mazda and driven away, out of sight, around the corner--but I was, like, mesmerized! Anyway, it was all over (too) soon enough.

Lagniappe:
As I walked up to the loading docks to board the train, I was still in a kind of shock, and to the man in line in front of me, I said, "WOW! You will never guess what *I* just saw!" And I proceeded to enthusiastically relate my experience to him. After a few minutes, he laughed and said, "Oh, that was us--me and my family. We had no idea someone was watching us". ("Boy, this guy is quick on the trigger", thought I.)

Well, naturally I didn't believe him, since--as a practicing "put-on" expert-myself, I knew he was putting me on. So we both laughed and I climbed onto the caboose, to go into my musical warm-up. Later, about three cars down, I found myself playing to a large gathering, a family, and--YEP--it was the same family which had put on a private show for me. (Hardly recognized them clothed!) And the fellow to whom I had earlier, so exuberantly related my tale, was there ALSO! He was an uncle...(yeah!). He then told them of my (hate this word) voyeurism, and all laughed! Fortunately, they all had a sense of humor, and we got along fine. I played for them at least 20 minutes.

Sometimes God allows us to meet a group of strangers--who become instant friends. Like the experience you all gave to me nine weeks ago, on this blogaroni. Thank You, God, for sobriety, and 'vision'...-grin-, and my newly aquired, recovering friends!

PREFECT or PERFEKT??

WE ARE NOT PERFEKT

Some years ago I developed a hatred for the words: "Happy, Joyful, and Free". I thought, for several years...how much BS this is. When is the chaotic bedlam going to 'leave' me? Well, it did not happen overnight, but here is a TODAY example, of a brief return to my 'old life', and how God keeps changing, keeps molding me, to maybe one day becoming a better person:

Did I ever sleep good last night! Not sure why, but I will say this much (really not much!). There has been for several days--and nights--a troubling in my heart. (Get to the point, Steve.) Not quite a week ago, I offended someone--right here at this keyboard, right here on my blogroll. Now, I have been in Alcoholics Anonymous for a long enough time to know better, to know when I am pushing that envelope. So WHY? Why do I even 'go there'?

Well, it's that long story again, of Pride. Ego says to me, "You can fix the whole world. If only they would do as you think, and say what you believe, Steve." Well, that's never going to happen, ain't THAT the truth. (There is nothing more true than the truth.) And it's a good thing that ain't going to happen, because I am not God. Once in a while I must do that "Be still" thing. "Steve, be still......and know that HE is God, not you!" How beautiful, even close to momentary humility. Fancy that!

Well, being acquainted with our Twelve Steps, I knew there is one called Step NINE, you know, that one about "Made direct amends...wherever possible...." So, how is this going to happen, to make an amend to someone who probably will not even read my mail, or my blog? What do I do when all else fails? I turn to God for help. Actually, I work through a Guardian Angel, named Flex (for 'flexible'). And somehow, I found myself in church, and, kneeling there up front, I was alone, but not lonely. "God, please help me here, how am I going to 'fix' this?" And God said to me (yeah, right!! -g-) well, at least this is what I discerned, that God said, "Don't fret over this. Let ME handle it--and all will be well."

The next day I receive a communication from the person whose very soul I injured. Now I do not like to use the word 'overjoyed', but, needless to say, I was smiling as I read the note, I was happy that God had given me an opportunity to show that I was sincerely, oh, so sorry. And we shared a little of ourselves with each other (Emails), and I shed a couple tears. The tears were, yes, of happiness, but maybe not what I might have thought. They were for a greater understanding of how God works in our lives. The tears were for my being allowed a newer conception of our God-given program, which gives me a real and spiritual PLAN of action, and the powerful tools, which--if I use them--bring me back to that good life I know so well.

That is a life, beyond all expectation, beyond even belief--considering where it (my life) was 34 years ago. And so I'm again here to say (yeah, almost finished!) that if I really follow these steps, and work them, I can, I CAN, enjoy that life of freedom and happiness. That life which we are promised is right around the bend, for each of us, for ALL of us. Again, we are not perfect (I DO know how to spell it!), but we keep working at it, knowing we'll never BE there. And let's all try for Happiness, Joyful, and Free, today. I've found for me, that there can even be joy in adversity, but I guess that's another blog--blong.

A happy, joyful, and free Steve E.