Monday, September 1, 2008



Ya know, I have this horrible, self-deprecating habit of belittling myself. This has been a defect of mine since childhood. I have been stuck in the quagmire of self-pity, self-degradation, for FAR too long--under the guise of, yes, HUMILITY. My 'humility' really "showed its ass" to me this morning, as being none other than my old f'k'g enemies, Pride and Ego! The first sin ever, PRIDE, the sin of Lucifer and Adam! (and Steve!)...and others?

This blog entry is not to analyze my 'false' self put-down (I just then DID analyze, 'didja 'get it'? -grin-), but to allow me to verbalize, recognize privately, and publicly admit it.

As a child, I remember being called--if once, a thousand times--"Du bist fünfhundert dummer esels!" That's 'German' for "You are five hundred dumb jackasses!" From early memory until I walked out of our home at age 17, those are the words which even today ring in my ears. My younger brother and sisters suffered no such admonishments to my recollection. Just me (Poor me? -g-)...

Ever since those days, I've sort of buried my feelings (Ugh! "feelings") about the scorn I "heard" in that German expression. And I SO wanted to please that man--my father--now ya know! Just never could 'live up' to whatever he expected. Admittedly, I fell short--and still do--in common sense stuff, after all, I'm a musician! Ha!

Sure, I figured, "I'm not good enough to be a first-violinist, etc.," so I always settled for 'second fiddle'. For sixty years, whenever there was no prior seating arrangement, I always chose to sit in the back, allowing others to place themselves in the more enviable, responsible positions up front. Always have I given others my seat on a crowded bus, even though I might have been experiencing "body all achin' and racked with pain".

These behaviors of mine did not seem problematic, until my first hint, about ten years ago. Eugene, a good friend and 'cello player, told me in a serious, quiet voice, "Steve, you have always been your own worst enemy." (I had asked him something like why did I always seem to get picked LAST!!!)

Sunday, I spoke out with a stupid "self-put-me-down" in front of a musician friend/choir director (who hires me) and she said to me, "Steve, don't DO that...stop acting like a child"... And Monday morning, Martha (between the 6 and the 7 AM Alcoholics Anonymous meetings) took me aside, and stated the following: "Steve, I am tired of hearing you speak so lowly of yourself. You say such wonderful things, which help the new people, then you ruin it, by telling us you don't know what you're talking about. Cut it OUT! Quit it NOW!"

Well, it was "wake up time in the Rockies"...I said to myself, Steve, ask for help. Well, every morning Anna and I go to the church yard so she can 'practice' riding her scooter, turning, stopping, starting, picking it up, etc. This morning, I went INTO the church--she doesn't need ME to practice riding--and I prayed. I prayed to God, and also asked the angels and saints (those I knew of) to intercede for me in this venture of exorcism. I even asked my father (BTW, he was totally deaf and blind, that's why I never hit him over the head with a bat!) to help me, believing he--long dead-- might have some insight in this matter.

Then, right in front of the tabernacle, came my 'clincher' thought. God spoke to me (not out loud!). He planted these thoughts, believe me: "(Steve), when you belittle yourself, your words, your actions" (Edit: remember, these are God's words and actions which I am doing, in AA and in church), "you are belittling ME, your heavenly Father, Who made you in His image and likeness. If you believe in Me, trust me to raise up your self-esteem, so you can enhance My Greatness, rather than try to detract from It."

And so I continued to pray for an hour, asking God Almighty to allow me to experience that real humility, realizing my true worth, so that I may go out to proclaim His Power, His Love, His Greatness, His Way of Life--like it states in our Third Step Prayer!

NOTE: I was going to Email this to a special AA friend on my blogroll, but it got too long, so I decided to make it today's BLONG! (That's a "BLOG which is too LONG, MY coined word. See, I can take credit for something already! Thank You, God!)

I feel very tired, like after a well played musical session, or a true spiritual experience, ya know what I mean? That "Good" kind of tired! AMEN!

A.M.D.G. from Steve E. ...I love you all!


TraceyBaby said...

Very good Steve. Sometimes I forget to go to Him and walk around miserable for way too long.

*Hugs* ~T~

Just For Conner said...

Steve, as a follow up to your comment on my blog, I found a perfect God Box that I will dress up some tomorrow. For tonight, I'm turning my Anger over to him by writing it out on a sheet of paper to keep securely in the box. Next I will pray about it and sleep tight. Thanks so much!

TraceyBaby said...

I didn't mention that while reading your post and great reminder, I said a prayer about this problem I'm having with this friend. I was very angry, hurt, and upset, and yes, I did pray some today but it had been awhile.

I really wanted to hear from this person before I went to bed tonight, especially with having to work tomorrow. I didn't want to fret another day.

So I prayed, while reading this, that I would hear from this person before I went to sleep.

Alas, shortly afterward an heartfelt email arrived. :o)

Thanks again for the kick in the ass. ~Kisses~ T

Shadow said...

well done dear steve!!! for realising it, for doing something about it, and for this excellent post from which i could learn something too. 'my own worst critic' is what i am. have been told that many a time. so for today (and tomorrow, who knows?) i'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt. hmmm, you may just have created a monster you know, heee heee heee.

so i gather from your post that you're german?!?!? me too!!! first generation is sa. my folks emmigrated here just after ww2. with all my family still in germany it makes for peaceful living. naaah, i would actually love to go to some of these huge family gatherings my friends have and have the chance afterwards to bitch and complain about this aunt, that uncle, the strange, strange cousin... hmmmm, i'm digressing.....

Lou said...

I was born in Stuttgart, Steve-o-Deutsch. And I do not know how to accept a compliment. I end up embarrassing myself & the other person. I never prayed over it-thanks for the tip.

dAAve said...

Be kind to yourself.

Further on up the road said...

great Blong..... Huge identification for me... appreciated.

dAAve said...

Thanks for working all the steps in this posting.

indistinct said...

Thank you for sharing this Steve. A wonderful share on prayer and character defects.

~Tyra~ said...

Great post!

Anonymous said...

From Jamie, a Friend:
Hey Steve,

Thanks for sharing. It seems that I was pretty harsh...did I really say it like that?

Anyway, yesterday I was filling out a little bio information for a presentation I have to do tomorrow. One of the questions was: What do you consider the key to success? Well, my answer is perseverance and a positive attitude. Both can be difficult, especially when things don't seem to be going your way. But a positive attitude can get you a long way in business and in life. If you believe in yourself and what you are doing, it will reflect on others! Of course, believing in yourself can only go so far. Someone else has a big roll to play, but you have to take those first steps.

Have a great week!

Anonymous said...

Now that you have publicly outed yourself, next time you start putting yourself down, I am going to tell you to shut the h*ll up and start being nicer to yourself. You deserve to treat yourself as well as you treat others. The end ;)

Banana Girl said...

Thanks for sharing this. It was just what I needed to see and read and hear in my head. I know I will come back and read it again later when I can really concentrate on the depth. But for now, I really got it. I was visiting a meeting in South Texas when a man sharing was really putting himself down. The chair for the meeting just interrupted, delcared that the group would not allow him to launch a party (pity party) in the middle of a meeting and reminded him that he had been working the steps, was in attendance and was in recovery not recession. I was blown away! I know we are not to offer advice directly to AAs but this was the clearest demonstration of love among members I had seen in my short tenure in the program. I read somewhere where tolerance of a bad situation is sometimes worse than intolerance of a good one. Boy it rang true that day, at least for me. Hugs, J. PS Thanks for the special prayers for my friend and his daughter. Keep praying.

Zanejabbers said...

Hey Steveroni, great Blong. Now you have come up with a name for both of us. In reading your post I could not help but see and hear page 449 in pre-4th editions books or 417 in the 4th aaddition.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today ....................
When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.

Thanks for a great share.

Syd said...

I think that our not thinking highly of ourselves is a classic symptom of both alcoholism and being affected by alcoholism. But over time, just as you have written, we learn to appreciate who we are and that we are okay as we are.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Steve,

I really enjoyed reading your blog page. Just yesterday I asked Denine at a party if she knew you and Anna. She said she absolutely know you, and in fact, goes to your blog page all the time. After explaining that I had tried to find it, she walked me through it. ( I know you did too but...) Now that you've sent it to me I don't have to worry about it. When I was reading what you wrote I was thinking that it could almost be my story with the exception that "dumbass" was in plain English.

Thanks again,
Love, Alice

molly said...

all of my posts seem to be BLONGS (not to be confused with BONGS) hehe

i just can't seem to write a short one for the life of me

ah well - guess there are worse things.

all these things we "say" to ourselves in the head IS ego - conditioned thinking.. it is healthy to recognize what we say to ourselves and challenge it often. we can't change what we don't know is even there right?

Mary Christine said...

Someone really set me straight years ago when she said that all that self-deprecation was really self-centeredness! And I thought I was being humble! ha!

Princess Powerless said...

Yo, Steve.

How I hate the inner critic. And what does the Big Book say? We're neither at the top nor the bottom of the pile.

Are you German? I need to search your blog... I lived there for several years, ya know.

:-) PP