SOMETIMES PRIDE POSES AS HUMILITY
Ya know, I have this horrible, self-deprecating habit of belittling myself. This has been a defect of mine since childhood. I have been stuck in the quagmire of self-pity, self-degradation, for FAR too long--under the guise of, yes, HUMILITY. My 'humility' really "showed its ass" to me this morning, as being none other than my old f'k'g enemies, Pride and Ego! The first sin ever, PRIDE, the sin of Lucifer and Adam! (and Steve!)...and others?
This blog entry is not to analyze my 'false' self put-down (I just then DID analyze, 'didja 'get it'? -grin-), but to allow me to verbalize, recognize privately, and publicly admit it.
As a child, I remember being called--if once, a thousand times--"Du bist fünfhundert dummer esels!" That's 'German' for "You are five hundred dumb jackasses!" From early memory until I walked out of our home at age 17, those are the words which even today ring in my ears. My younger brother and sisters suffered no such admonishments to my recollection. Just me (Poor me? -g-)...
Ever since those days, I've sort of buried my feelings (Ugh! "feelings") about the scorn I "heard" in that German expression. And I SO wanted to please that man--my father--now ya know! Just never could 'live up' to whatever he expected. Admittedly, I fell short--and still do--in common sense stuff, after all, I'm a musician! Ha!
Sure, I figured, "I'm not good enough to be a first-violinist, etc.," so I always settled for 'second fiddle'. For sixty years, whenever there was no prior seating arrangement, I always chose to sit in the back, allowing others to place themselves in the more enviable, responsible positions up front. Always have I given others my seat on a crowded bus, even though I might have been experiencing "body all achin' and racked with pain".
These behaviors of mine did not seem problematic, until my first hint, about ten years ago. Eugene, a good friend and 'cello player, told me in a serious, quiet voice, "Steve, you have always been your own worst enemy." (I had asked him something like why did I always seem to get picked LAST!!!)
Sunday, I spoke out with a stupid "self-put-me-down" in front of a musician friend/choir director (who hires me) and she said to me, "Steve, don't DO that...stop acting like a child"... And Monday morning, Martha (between the 6 and the 7 AM Alcoholics Anonymous meetings) took me aside, and stated the following: "Steve, I am tired of hearing you speak so lowly of yourself. You say such wonderful things, which help the new people, then you ruin it, by telling us you don't know what you're talking about. Cut it OUT! Quit it NOW!"
Well, it was "wake up time in the Rockies"...I said to myself, Steve, ask for help. Well, every morning Anna and I go to the church yard so she can 'practice' riding her scooter, turning, stopping, starting, picking it up, etc. This morning, I went INTO the church--she doesn't need ME to practice riding--and I prayed. I prayed to God, and also asked the angels and saints (those I knew of) to intercede for me in this venture of exorcism. I even asked my father (BTW, he was totally deaf and blind, that's why I never hit him over the head with a bat!) to help me, believing he--long dead-- might have some insight in this matter.
Then, right in front of the tabernacle, came my 'clincher' thought. God spoke to me (not out loud!). He planted these thoughts, believe me: "(Steve), when you belittle yourself, your words, your actions" (Edit: remember, these are God's words and actions which I am doing, in AA and in church), "you are belittling ME, your heavenly Father, Who made you in His image and likeness. If you believe in Me, trust me to raise up your self-esteem, so you can enhance My Greatness, rather than try to detract from It."
And so I continued to pray for an hour, asking God Almighty to allow me to experience that real humility, realizing my true worth, so that I may go out to proclaim His Power, His Love, His Greatness, His Way of Life--like it states in our Third Step Prayer!
NOTE: I was going to Email this to a special AA friend on my blogroll, but it got too long, so I decided to make it today's BLONG! (That's a "BLOG which is too LONG, MY coined word. See, I can take credit for something already! Thank You, God!)
I feel very tired, like after a well played musical session, or a true spiritual experience, ya know what I mean? That "Good" kind of tired! AMEN!
A.M.D.G. from Steve E. ...I love you all!