AMENDED: Few Words Thursday

Dreams have only one owner at a time. 
That is why dreamers are lonely.

Erma Bombeck

AMENDED

Thank you for being here. A dream is so private a happening, with thousands of nuances which, as much joy it would be to share, there seems--to me--to be no way for any other to have even a clue show up as same or similar, in their part of the share. My opinion. 

--steve 

Image: In good Hands by Mity Mite

 

LIFE LINE

 

LIFELINE

 LIFELINE

My father was sightless from the age of 4-5, and became a mute at age 50.  He was a farmer, who with my mother spent some of their winters visiting us in sunny, warm (Yeah...right--grin!) Naples, FL.

Deaf-Blind Pop just loved, REALLY loved to swim in the Gulf of Mexico.  He could tell by the sun and the breeze which way was the shore--when he swam out to a sandbar.  One time he swam out there, the sun hid itself, and the breeze decided a siesta was a good idea. So he determined which way to swim, and he wrongly chose to swim west, toward Corpus Christi, TX...800 miles across the Gulf.

Someone did swim out there finally...but nobody including himself knew he was "in trouble".  One of my sisters, visiting for a week, bought a 500-foot boat-towing line at a marina, and from that day, Pop was tethered to my mother who sat in a chair on the beach collecting coquina for soup-making.  And so whenever Pop wanted to swim back to shore, he just followed his lifeline.

I make the analogy here of a Peep swimming around in the life of an alcoholic.  There is no way to discover the direction for the shore of sobriety.  It just does never occur to the Alkie, that if he doesn't take that first drink, he will never, NEVER get drunk.  Somehow, an outside force (Higher Power?  God!?) intervenes in any number of human ways/forms. The lifeline of Alcoholics Anonymous is hooked onto his belt at first.  The Steps, which he learns about from a sponsor, become a way of life which he works at following...never perfectly.

Eventually--it happened to me--that lifeline of sobriety in AA became wrapped around his heart, and a love which cannot be expressed in words, grew (slowly in my case).  Only in actions, behaviors, mistakes, amends, a knowledge of self, a willingness to grow along spiritual lines, and helping others to live God's Will, can I show my regard, my respect for, my LOVE of this program which has given me an extra 35 years to live.

Peeps, let us stay sober and help one another today.  Let us please not be spiteful.  But let us in forgiveness, grow in the grace of humility...and SOBRIETY!  Allow me please to lovingly try to understand those who show disagreement with me, and just Let Go and Let God!


Photo in Deviant Art:   life_lines_by_werol.jpg

THAT POWER IS OURS

POWER OR HIGHER POWER?

At the top right is the "JUST BEING REAL" award

handed to me by Just Be Real. Click HERE for
her blog, and please visit this wonderful
REALLY real girl

This Higher Power thing. I do not have trouble with it, for I do not ponder what may be wrong with the notion of God. As is popular to say nowadays, "I call Him God, 'cause that's His Name". I have, from day one, right or wrong, accepted everything Alcoholics Anonymous had to offer me, through people who seemed to know what they were talking about. I was really just THAT sick!

The only proof that I made a good choice, is that today I am still sober. Also, today I could not be more happy than if I'd "died-and-gone-to-heaven", as it were--but I ain't! Watch out folks, I'm old, but not dead. And for that I thank AA also--that I was able to 'get old'.

Imagine--as I look back--I had two heart attacks before age 34, and lots of other crap health-wise. And now, when they prop me up in a chair -grin! I don't wanna go out and play, I just wanna blog! And should ANYONE question why I took the bait of AA hook, line, and sinker, I'll tell 'em exactly why. I don't KNOW! I'll show them now, though. I'll pass them at 100 mph on my scooter (and kill myself, proving--WHAT did you say?)?

Admittedly, AA is NOT for everyone, nor is Buddhism for everyone. All I can say unequivocally is that it IS for me. Thank You, Higher Power. Thank You, God!

This morning I was traveling from my AA meeting to the eye doctor who planted lenses in my eyeballs last fall. He said, "Everything is looking good." Whereupon I thought, "Why does he not ask ME how everything is looking? I'm the patient here." So I told him I see roaches on the walls at night, crawling, crawling. Then when I reach out to grab one, nothing is there but wall. He says, "Well that's something which may clear up in time." Oh well, since I am SO HAPPY with my eyesight since the surgeries, I really have no complaint.

But hold on, I got off topic again. Riding my bike to the doctor visit, I was being tailgated by one of those fancy dandy pickup trucks, driven by a guy whose father died young, and left him a pile of unspent drug money. He was rumbling along bearing down on me, right on my butt, and my butt was uncomfortable. And so was I. So I called on my Higher Power of the moment, named Suzuki. And I gave Suzu the gas, and the power I felt--OK, my butt felt it--was akin to leaving earth on a flight to Mars, or wherever they're traveling these days.

I rear-mirrored the truck, and it looked a lot smaller--three blocks behind me. And I thought, the power in my bike is similar to that Power over heaven and earth called God. It is there constantly, and always, helping me to idle along, or to pass a slower vehicle. And when I am in deep shit trouble, I can--and do--choose to call on that Power for EXTRA help.

The help from God I receive, that unseen and unfelt Roaring Power, is almost always now, immediate, plentiful, consoling, forgiving, loving, and lasting. Next time, I only have to remember the previous time.

Note: It was not always thus. This kind of God-Power "Quick-Launch" came only after some years of dedicated practice, and remembering to pull out the throttle. When I received my new bike one year ago, I did not dream it might prove to be a conduit for my learning, for my spiritual growth...and OH! Do I still need to grow spiritually, Oh my, Yessss! Perfection is unattainable, but striving for it is NOT.

And I know where to go. I just love the people where I go. My church is full of peeps, trying consistently to be better people of God. And AA meetings make it for me. The Steps, Traditions, sponsor, connecting with friends, opportunities to meet and help new guys, YOU BLOG PEEPS...I just am in love with it ALL! "And here, WITH the Grace of God, go ME!"

In LOVE and Service,
Sincerely.
Steve E

HE SAID...SHE SAID...GOD SAID

First half of my life I wasted, asleep like "Bert"
...Now I wish I COULD sleep like "Bert"!!

HE SAID--SHE SAID...

He said, "OH! To start 'life' over again at age fourteen!"

She said, "...and DIE all over again?" (We were age 25.)

This snippet is from a conversation which happened (I was "he") fifty years ago. Some memory hook brought it vividly back to me this morning. And I am thinking she was SO right! Die all over. Die again. Finally, thankfully, it has passed, it is in the past, that life is dead. (But I cannot forget the ghost of my addiction, ready to haunt the house in which it lives...me.)

At age 25, I somehow knew I was killing myself, suicide-by-bourbon. Later on I used different bullets-- Vodka, Gin, Brandy, Scotch--I used beer only to quench the occasional need, that rising from a sense of thirst. All these ammunitions had in common one poison--alcohol. The gun I used was my own mind. My True God--Booze! Something which I L.O.V.E.D.

Liquor was one substance in this world on which I could count to make me whole again, strong, handsome, deep-voiced, whatever I was not! As a Jekyll-Hyde combo, I survived surgical procedures, two heart attacks (before age 35), weddings, deaths, births, trips, years of boating, orchestral experiences, auto wrecks--called non-accidents-- pain and suffering (due in part to my F'Kg up three wonderful marriages), and being so often broke. I still wonder, from where came the money to buy booze?

I now realize that--for me--the greatest tidal wave through which alcohol actually might have helped me live--was feeling for many years that I was unloved, undeserving of love. I was as certain of that as I was of being alive. I held those thoughts close to myself though, for fear of being--I dunno what--found out?

On the plus side, I had extremely LOW self esteem! (That's a PLUS?! Ya gotta climb up from SOME starting place -grin!)) At the same time I did know everything about everything. I always worked at jobs, ranging from cleaning out gutters and shoveling manure...to playing the same evening--costumed in full dress--in the Cincinnati Symphony, accompanying Roberta Peters (GOD, what a voice, and all else, too!), a coloratura soprano-of-the-day.

I might have known something was wrong when three thousand people stood applauding, and I, with others, stood to accept it, tears rolling down my face because I knew nobody loved me......What a jerk-off!

AND THEN GOD SAID....

Had I not heard of God? Eight years (Sisters of Charity) plus four years (Jesuits) of masses, training, praying often throughout each day, how could I not believe? Well I did NOT! But I sure pretended good. I acted my way through forty--devout-filled, yeah!--years of life.

You know what happened next? Of course you do. God--not letting on Who He was--took me by the hand, and brought me to you. YOU! And during time--oh so long a time!--you and God healed me, with my cooperation. We all did this together. And even today we continue to all do this together for each other, and for one another! Happiness for me today, is being willing--with adult supervision-- to do God's will...and doing God's will, whenever and wherever it is put in front of me. Sure I came in late, age 40...and made it in time for Act III...but hey, what about that guy in the 'other' Big Book, who worked the fields the final hour, and got paid the same as those who had labored all day long? Hmmmmmm?

"What's the point?" (Private joke!) The point is that I know now that each of us is loved by God. Next point is that we are all loved by others, especially those who chose us to "come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding, the fear in my head..."--Hope

Let's cooperate with God and stay sober together today. OK?

In gratitude, love, and service,
Sincerely.
Steve E.

OH NO!...ANOTHER "STEVE" STORY?

"GIRLS RULE"
One of these gorls is my daughter.
I'm Going on 3.5-hour bike ride
to visit her Monday and Tuesday

NOTE: Thank you to all who commented yesterday on my blog, also to those who read about the girl's suicide...and prayed with me. This is indeed a program of unselfish giving, and receiving...love.

NOTE 2: Leaving early Monday morning to visit my Firefighter/Engineer/Acting Lieutenant daughter, Kathy. Gonna 'bike' up there, about 3.5 hours, and have fun...maybe go to a meeting there.

"SEE YA IN CHURCH!"

Met a guy in church. He was sitting there, next to his--I guess--wife. I had asked him to please hand in my envelope with his own. He asked me why I don't ever play violin at the earlier mass? So I told him I go somewhere else real early in the mornings, EVERY morning. I said to him, "I'd tell you where I go, but it's an 'anonymous' place".

I smiled. He smiled.

Then he blurted out, "Are you a friend of (yeah -grin!) Bill W?" Turned out, he is sober 18 years, we just go to different meetings. It shows me how AA in Naples, FL has grown since I went to my first meeting--there were four of them each week here then. Now there are nearly 300 in the area, and it is true, just like in any of the larger cities--one can hide, become completely lost now in AA rooms here.

That's another reason a HOME GROUP is so important to me--and people I sponsor--these days. When I came into AA in Naples, everyone knew everyone else, and if ya didn't see someone for a week or two, the gossip mill generally routed or lured that person out of whatever lethargy, and back into the meeting hall.

These days I must--no, I WANT to--belong to a home group. They know all about me there--the good, the bad, the ugly..and I am all three! What a wonderful thing to be accepted into a group of 80-90 people.

These are men and women who stay silent while I ramble on about one thing or another. God, I pray for them--to not get tired or bored with me...but they probably would still listen, or in politeness, pretend. Paranoiac me: I wonder if they were just pretending this morning? -grin!

TIME FOR A LITTLE GRATITUDE HERE

I am grateful that:

1. If they don't listen to me now--I'll kick their butts!
2. I'm still able to kick their butts
3. I do not have to prove that
4. My bike gets 50 miles per gallon
5. I don't really care how many mpg it gets--I just L.O.V.E. it still, (or moving!) -grin
6. Little things don't bother me any more. HEY! WHAT DID YOU DAMN SAY????!
7. I belong to Two Home groups, a daily, and a weekly meeting
8. I only get to vote in one of them
9. Whichever I choose is OK
10.Dentist was nice to me
11. I could pay him
12. I could tell him it was too much--$350 for each filling
13. Bloggers visit my blog once
14. Some even return
15. Two friends were going to quit blogging, now are staying...I pray!
16. The blogging 'crews' from Texas, Colorado, Canada, W VA, Michigan, Illinois, NC, SC, England, S Africa, Ohio, North East, Missouri, Australia, Bahamas, Caleefohniah, Utah, and other places are all so wonderful!
17. We can trade news, views, reviews and stories, and still be friends
18. I've not met face-to-face a single blogger--wait! am I grateful for that? NO WAY! (except for one!)
19. My daughter is an 'acting' Fire Dept. Lieutenant, next in line...
20. My son is supervisor in a large company
21. My wife, family, are healthy
22. My AA family--I see them every day, and love them--sometimes!
23. Least, but not last--NO! that wasn't stated correctly, oh, well! MY SPONSOR!!!
24. My early morning meetings...and mass...and sponsees...computer, Cat-Bert, etc., etc.

See, I kept the number under 25, right? Well, almost.

I'll be back Blogging on Wednesday March 11, 2009.
No computers where I'm going. OK?

In love and service,
Steve E.

A "GOD SHOT"!

SAID SHE.....
"WHO? ME?"

ONE OF THOSE "GOD SHOTS"

Since I live in a sort of 'tourist' area, we get lots (LOADS) of northern visitors at our AA meetings. One of six such visitors at this morning's 8 AM meeting introduced herself as being "from DENVER." Well, my ears perked, and I scribbled on my business card, "Do you know a blogger friend of mine--in AA--a girl named Mary Christine, who goes to meetings somewhere around Denver?"

Chairs and tables in this room are set up in a large circle. While walking all the way around the spacious area to deliver my note, I was thinking "Well, the worst she can say to me is..."No!" Guess what? She said, "No!"

Since she was sitting directly across from me in the room, it was quite a walk back to my chair--and the meeting had started, of course. When she shared (don't even recall her name) she mentioned that her brother is also an Alcoholic, that he was in Naples (here) during January. Don't forget, there are literally thousands of us Alkies now in this county.

Again however, my ears perked, but I thought, "Naw, the strange messages I'm receiving--in my head--are totally without merit. Steve, don't even GO there." Being the ever-obedient servant -grin...I WENT there!

The lady had walked over to the coffee warmers and I got up also, and met her at the urn marked "REGULAR"--at least she knew what to drink...only 100 proof for this girl!. What I whispered to her (this is rude, for someone was sharing--sorry) sounded completely stupid to me right as I was saying it (that happens a lot with me!). It sort of went down like this: "Ma'am, if your brother is named Jay, and he lives in CHICAGO, then I am his sponsor, and your mother, who lives here in Naples, has moderate Alzheimer's Disease, And your mother just loves me!" (Never met an Alzheimer sufferer who I didn't like--and who did not like me! Maybe because there is no judgement taking place in either court?)

She looked at me in utter disbelief, nodded, and said, "How do you know all that?" It all happened to be true, what I had told her. Really weird! PG equates our use of the word 'weird' to mean God. It turned out that her brother Jay had suggested she go to our club while in Naples, and that she might run into his Naples sponsor, me.

At first I thought along the lines of "the devil made me do it!" Then I realized it was another of what Zane calls a 'God Shot'. I hope she comes back to the morning meeting, but I don't know why. Her brother Jay DOES call me, by the way. We talk on Sundays. Wait until I tell him what happened here this morning...

Whatever God is up to, I have not a clue. But His ways seem ever stranger to me, as I learn more and more how to follow His will. I hope you enjoyed my true story from Wednesday morning 8 AM AA meeting in front of about 55 witnesses.

Winter is coming to its end, I'll bet you guys can see little pink "baby-bee-sized" buds on trees.

My Thursday begins A/C (After Coffee) with meetings at 6 and 7, and the day will end with a "cookie" meeting at 8 PM. I'll have to tell that joke.

Stay sober today with me. OK?

Sincerely,
Steve E.