THEN AND NOW
As wonderfully exciting; as scintillating (to me) as some part of my past has been, there were too many horrors in which I do not dwell...rather I try to forget. While thinking of the past, I clicked on a favorite blog written by LU ANN.
Wouldn't you know? Her topic was so utterly similar to my thought of that moment, that I'm blogging my own feeble--yet necessary, to me--version of then and now.
During the thirty-or-so years when I was making my annual pilgrimage from Naples--1,150 miles to the parental home, dragging my wife and children along, I would at least one or two days, ride to the inner city.
While reading LuAnn's blog post, I pictured myself walking the streets of downtown Cincinnati, doing the same thing. I really "saw" once a little boy, about age 9, carrying a violin case and a book-laden bag, perspiring, and oh, so tired. IT WAS ME, so much full of fear of the people all around who did not even "see" the terrified boy. And the ones who smiled at me longingly and tenderly, OMG!--those "men"...made my hair actually stand out on my neck. All alone, going to a downtown college for my lesson--which was unprepared, of course. I played this scenario out 2-4 times a week, year after year.
Then the long bus ride home, between 1-2 hours...after dark, like 10 PM. I lived on our family farm, one mile up a winding single-lane road, up and up, no lights. (I loved, absolutely "fell in love" with moonlit nights!) My whole body was frozen in fear of whatever...and yet I moved, climbing that hill over and over. I have stories about those nights, some of which are still buried a few mental layers down.
Next--in this memory-- I lived my "I don't care" years. I should have cared, because these were bad. I've heard many a sad "prison" story in my years in AA, but none have yet stirred me past my own self-constructed walls, which left me about 6 inches of freedom in any direction from my cold heart. This was JAIL, and it was of my own making. How SICK! A drink of wine for me then was a gallon of 22% (in volume)White Port. Hopefully, some would remain in the jug for my breakfast. I never shared my alcohol--NEVER!
"Take my shirt--take my shoes
But don'tcha DARE take my Booze"...
is my motto (just now made that up--grin!)
While "in" Lu Ann's blog, I could not help but remember at once those hardest, darkest of days, during which I'd never expect to see the sun rise.
Enter a new me, in a new life of Alcoholics Anonymous 36 years ago. I was not really "new" for a long time. And now it seems I've gotten "old" again, meaning my "old" thinking has seeped back into my head the past few years. This I DO believe...well, I KNOW it: Every day is a New Beginning. A reprieve from my old way of living is granted daily by my Higher Power according to the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Yeah!
And one more thought I left in a comment on LU ANN blog..."We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...and We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it!..." (Pg 83 Big Book)
My past is ALL I HAVE with which to help another one day--and I do! (Actually I just mouth the words, God does the actual "helping"--grin!) Right?
--steveroni
Sober Today
Somewhat Happy Today
At Peace Today
Love you, Peeps!
During the thirty-or-so years when I was making my annual pilgrimage from Naples--1,150 miles to the parental home, dragging my wife and children along, I would at least one or two days, ride to the inner city.
While reading LuAnn's blog post, I pictured myself walking the streets of downtown Cincinnati, doing the same thing. I really "saw" once a little boy, about age 9, carrying a violin case and a book-laden bag, perspiring, and oh, so tired. IT WAS ME, so much full of fear of the people all around who did not even "see" the terrified boy. And the ones who smiled at me longingly and tenderly, OMG!--those "men"...made my hair actually stand out on my neck. All alone, going to a downtown college for my lesson--which was unprepared, of course. I played this scenario out 2-4 times a week, year after year.
Then the long bus ride home, between 1-2 hours...after dark, like 10 PM. I lived on our family farm, one mile up a winding single-lane road, up and up, no lights. (I loved, absolutely "fell in love" with moonlit nights!) My whole body was frozen in fear of whatever...and yet I moved, climbing that hill over and over. I have stories about those nights, some of which are still buried a few mental layers down.
Next--in this memory-- I lived my "I don't care" years. I should have cared, because these were bad. I've heard many a sad "prison" story in my years in AA, but none have yet stirred me past my own self-constructed walls, which left me about 6 inches of freedom in any direction from my cold heart. This was JAIL, and it was of my own making. How SICK! A drink of wine for me then was a gallon of 22% (in volume)White Port. Hopefully, some would remain in the jug for my breakfast. I never shared my alcohol--NEVER!
"Take my shirt--take my shoes
But don'tcha DARE take my Booze"...
is my motto (just now made that up--grin!)
While "in" Lu Ann's blog, I could not help but remember at once those hardest, darkest of days, during which I'd never expect to see the sun rise.
Enter a new me, in a new life of Alcoholics Anonymous 36 years ago. I was not really "new" for a long time. And now it seems I've gotten "old" again, meaning my "old" thinking has seeped back into my head the past few years. This I DO believe...well, I KNOW it: Every day is a New Beginning. A reprieve from my old way of living is granted daily by my Higher Power according to the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Yeah!
And one more thought I left in a comment on LU ANN blog..."We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...and We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it!..." (Pg 83 Big Book)
My past is ALL I HAVE with which to help another one day--and I do! (Actually I just mouth the words, God does the actual "helping"--grin!) Right?
--steveroni
Sober Today
Somewhat Happy Today
At Peace Today
Love you, Peeps!
