THEN AND NOW
As wonderfully exciting; as scintillating (to me) as some part of my past has been, there were too many horrors in which I do not dwell...rather I try to forget. While thinking of the past, I clicked on a favorite blog written by LU ANN.
Wouldn't you know? Her topic was so utterly similar to my thought of that moment, that I'm blogging my own feeble--yet necessary, to me--version of then and now.
During the thirty-or-so years when I was making my annual pilgrimage from Naples--1,150 miles to the parental home, dragging my wife and children along, I would at least one or two days, ride to the inner city.
While reading LuAnn's blog post, I pictured myself walking the streets of downtown Cincinnati, doing the same thing. I really "saw" once a little boy, about age 9, carrying a violin case and a book-laden bag, perspiring, and oh, so tired. IT WAS ME, so much full of fear of the people all around who did not even "see" the terrified boy. And the ones who smiled at me longingly and tenderly, OMG!--those "men"...made my hair actually stand out on my neck. All alone, going to a downtown college for my lesson--which was unprepared, of course. I played this scenario out 2-4 times a week, year after year.
Then the long bus ride home, between 1-2 hours...after dark, like 10 PM. I lived on our family farm, one mile up a winding single-lane road, up and up, no lights. (I loved, absolutely "fell in love" with moonlit nights!) My whole body was frozen in fear of whatever...and yet I moved, climbing that hill over and over. I have stories about those nights, some of which are still buried a few mental layers down.
Next--in this memory-- I lived my "I don't care" years. I should have cared, because these were bad. I've heard many a sad "prison" story in my years in AA, but none have yet stirred me past my own self-constructed walls, which left me about 6 inches of freedom in any direction from my cold heart. This was JAIL, and it was of my own making. How SICK! A drink of wine for me then was a gallon of 22% (in volume)White Port. Hopefully, some would remain in the jug for my breakfast. I never shared my alcohol--NEVER!
"Take my shirt--take my shoes
But don'tcha DARE take my Booze"...
is my motto (just now made that up--grin!)
While "in" Lu Ann's blog, I could not help but remember at once those hardest, darkest of days, during which I'd never expect to see the sun rise.
Enter a new me, in a new life of Alcoholics Anonymous 36 years ago. I was not really "new" for a long time. And now it seems I've gotten "old" again, meaning my "old" thinking has seeped back into my head the past few years. This I DO believe...well, I KNOW it: Every day is a New Beginning. A reprieve from my old way of living is granted daily by my Higher Power according to the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Yeah!
And one more thought I left in a comment on LU ANN blog..."We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...and We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it!..." (Pg 83 Big Book)
My past is ALL I HAVE with which to help another one day--and I do! (Actually I just mouth the words, God does the actual "helping"--grin!) Right?
--steveroni
Sober Today
Somewhat Happy Today
At Peace Today
Love you, Peeps!
During the thirty-or-so years when I was making my annual pilgrimage from Naples--1,150 miles to the parental home, dragging my wife and children along, I would at least one or two days, ride to the inner city.
While reading LuAnn's blog post, I pictured myself walking the streets of downtown Cincinnati, doing the same thing. I really "saw" once a little boy, about age 9, carrying a violin case and a book-laden bag, perspiring, and oh, so tired. IT WAS ME, so much full of fear of the people all around who did not even "see" the terrified boy. And the ones who smiled at me longingly and tenderly, OMG!--those "men"...made my hair actually stand out on my neck. All alone, going to a downtown college for my lesson--which was unprepared, of course. I played this scenario out 2-4 times a week, year after year.
Then the long bus ride home, between 1-2 hours...after dark, like 10 PM. I lived on our family farm, one mile up a winding single-lane road, up and up, no lights. (I loved, absolutely "fell in love" with moonlit nights!) My whole body was frozen in fear of whatever...and yet I moved, climbing that hill over and over. I have stories about those nights, some of which are still buried a few mental layers down.
Next--in this memory-- I lived my "I don't care" years. I should have cared, because these were bad. I've heard many a sad "prison" story in my years in AA, but none have yet stirred me past my own self-constructed walls, which left me about 6 inches of freedom in any direction from my cold heart. This was JAIL, and it was of my own making. How SICK! A drink of wine for me then was a gallon of 22% (in volume)White Port. Hopefully, some would remain in the jug for my breakfast. I never shared my alcohol--NEVER!
"Take my shirt--take my shoes
But don'tcha DARE take my Booze"...
is my motto (just now made that up--grin!)
While "in" Lu Ann's blog, I could not help but remember at once those hardest, darkest of days, during which I'd never expect to see the sun rise.
Enter a new me, in a new life of Alcoholics Anonymous 36 years ago. I was not really "new" for a long time. And now it seems I've gotten "old" again, meaning my "old" thinking has seeped back into my head the past few years. This I DO believe...well, I KNOW it: Every day is a New Beginning. A reprieve from my old way of living is granted daily by my Higher Power according to the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Yeah!
And one more thought I left in a comment on LU ANN blog..."We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...and We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it!..." (Pg 83 Big Book)
My past is ALL I HAVE with which to help another one day--and I do! (Actually I just mouth the words, God does the actual "helping"--grin!) Right?
--steveroni
Sober Today
Somewhat Happy Today
At Peace Today
Love you, Peeps!
20 comments:
Steve this is TOO LONG--grin!!!
i had a about 5 of those i dont care years...and i tell the story often to those that think they have lost it all and cant find a way back...keep telling it steve, God will use it. smiles.
and not too long...
Did you study at CCM Steve?
I am rather fond of that motto, it made me laugh a little :)
i am very sad for your little boy but i suppose for all of us, there is this walk to make, this terror to feel, this hell to live...i fail to see the sense tonight but maybe in the morning i will see differently :)
goodnight my friend
xx
♥
oh it's not too long :) thank you for sharing.
and by the way, thanks for commenting on my silly little twitter blog :) it was all in fun and games
Lu ann 's and your blog are
classic ACOA and so true!
My 'youngster' is finally growing past the pain of then, -with- now. The lessons they present us, are so
sad and hard.
We were so powerless back then, in so many ways...Yet the freedom and healing we get from our 12 step work is miraculous! thanks HP! thanks everyone for experience, strength and hope...
I cannot even imagine..
The moonlight plays lovely tricks with your ability to process fear. Being a night child myself I relish in the darkness and stay as far away from the sun as possible.
I cannot imagine the things you have been through...
Love and strength are very embedded here. <3
Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. You my friend, are a wonderful example of someone who has learned from the past...you are in the hear and now which will keep you between the past and present...don't ever fear, for with your HP everything is possible....
I had several not caring years before Al-Anon. I simply gave up on happiness. What a relief to now have peace.
Ah, Cincinnati!
I could totally see (you) the little boy walking and scared. What a journey just to get home.
Love the motto you made up, rough I'm sure at the time, but today gave me a smile as I read.
God bless.
It truly is wonderful when a blog post stirs memoires and emotions in us, or connects with our mood at the time. Every story you weave is a treasure, Steveroni, I honestly love reading about your fascinating past and how much you have changed now. As always, a delight and a pleasure, sir :D
yours and LuAnn's posts have stirred me to the core. I love te person you are, simple though you've been through a lot and yet so cheerful and able to spread smiles along the way. thanks a lot for that gift you gave us all today. And I wish that one day, I'll too escape.
SOOO whaat if it is long! I would read your posts even if they were a thousand pages long!
Thanks for the mention... it is a honor to get into a mind like yours ;)
"Every day is a New Beginning" yeah!
And well it really touched me the part when you say that the past is all you have to go on another day. It is soo true and you know what? I´d probably never changed what ever happened to me, no matter how hard it could have been.
And! Oh I almost forgot because of the excitement: Thanks for sharing this... it shows a part of you which I did not know, your past and your story... your 9 years old "you".
Maha: I firmly believe ... I truly believe you will escape. Once you know people like us then you know thee must be something true inside us... something that you may find too
OMG! OMG!
"Then the long bus ride home, between 1-2 hours...after dark, like 10 PM. I lived on our family farm, one mile up a winding single-lane road, up and up, no lights. (I loved, absolutely "fell in love" with moonlit nights!)"
That is a long bus ride.
Oh Steve, I hope all is well with you. Take care dear friend.
aaaw! I forgot, ,, I want to thank you for your comments on my blog. Thank you!
What a childhood...but I enjoyed reading about it, especially the moonlit nights part. :)
I think we've all had "I don't care years" that sometimes creep back into our thoughts. You've come a long way, my friend...you won't go downhill even if they push you!! xo
Steve, I love how you comment on your own blog in the second person. It makes me laugh and I thank you for that!
Our thoughts, addictions, emotions or whatever can create our own prisons for us. We don't need to be in physical prison to feel trapped.
As always, love your posts and inspiration.
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