THINK--THEN ACT!

AS A MAN THINKETH

Tonight (ahem) I will be a speaker at the "Three legacies Group" of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Two recent-discovered friends honored me by asking me to do this I am serious about the "honored" part.  It so happens, this is the week of my Sober Anniversary.  Every year for the past four or five, during this week I have been given the privilege to speak...it just "happens" that way.  Usually those who ask me to participate do not realize this is my special week.

But I know it.  I shall never forget it.  Another blogger's post a couple days ago brought me the memory of WHY (bad word) I have not drank for all these years. I had been told to curtail my drinking to one pint of vodka daily. After a number of days, I was told to attend my first meeting of AA.  Since I could not go there reeking of vodka (yep, it "smells"!), I had my last drink at midnight, the day before.  And I knew, as I was pouring down those last few ounces, I knew that I would never, could never drink again.  So that was that! My German grandmother would have said, "Das var dass"

I now know that if I THINK I will never drink again...I will NOT! (If I DO the Steps suggested, I will get better.)

If I think, "Well, I might drink again...only an arm's length, etc.",  that leaves me with an out--for the next time life does not deal with me on my terms--grin!.

BOOK

"As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen--yes, I read a book once--grin!--suggests to me that my thoughts can guide, motivate, control, and change me.  And I just downloaded his book in .pdf format.  I shall ask Flex to help me understand a couple things, and help direct my thinking this moment and the rest of today. Being me, I have to let God in on the act--for I believe that God speaks through all of us, James Allen included.

My "story" tonight will be different from my other speaking occasions, because my life is different, has changed.  Growth "happens" now, whether I wish it or not.  Perfect?  Hell no!  But whatever the score for today, it will end sober...for me, and I hope for many of you, my Peeps.

God bless us, everyone!

UNDERSTANDING??? WHY?

THE PREMISE:

 
Following is from our Big Book p 60

a.....b..... "c.  God could and would if He were sought." In my book someone suggested I write in the margin, "NOT CAUGHT!" And I did.

LOOSELY RELATED MATERIAL:

The next two paragraphs are from The Cloud of Unknowing, by an Anonymous Monk.  I had to read them slowly and with care.  My nearly impenetrable thick head does not absorb readily, without some squashing.  It really IS me, wanting to know  the unknown, and believing that sometimes I have been favored to know,  that special level of thought--"above" the average peep...OH! What BS I can dish out to myself...and you!!!!

"Our intense need to 'understand' will always be a powerful stumbling block to our attempts to reach God in simple love, and must always be overcome. For if you do not overcome this need to understand, it will undermine your quest. It will replace the darkness which you have pierced to reach God with clear images of something which, however good, however beautiful, however Godlike, is not God."

"And so I urge you, go after experience rather than knowledge. On account of pride, knowledge may often deceive you, but this gentle, loving affection will not deceive you. Knowledge tends to breed conceit, but love builds. Knowledge is full of labor, but love, full of rest."

SYD WRITES:

Syd wrote Thursday March 11 in "Outcasts" that:  "I don't need to know "why"?  I only know that I will pick up that abandoned outcast part of me, dust it off, give it a good hug, and treat it as gently as I possibly can."

(Note:  I had already prepared this post, so Syd's remarks are presented here as addenda.)

MY PROBLEM:

Ya know, a long time ago--age 2 to age 52--I got so tired of people asking me "Why?"  Why this? Why that? Why do you? Why did you? Why did you NOT?  TIRED!   I mean I became READY-TO-BLOW-UP-tired of the word "WHY?" when directed at me.

And so I made myself a "life-rule".  Of course, being alcoholic, the rule did not apply to ME!  Every friend, every girlfriend, every wife, every fellow worker, even my children (Oh God...my poor children) knew to not ask me the dreaded question...why?  Don't ask me WHY?  NMW! (No Matter What!)

And ya know what?  People seemed to respect that--maybe they were afraid?  Fear pre-sober, "violent" Steve? -grin!  (Maybe they just didn't want to have ANYTHING to do with me--now THAT I can believe...--grin!)

I myself never stopped asking "Why?" If I ask you, it is OK.  When you ask me, it is not!

Got to still work on that.  Asking "WHY" stunts my growth (I'm 75, not nearly finished growing FGS!).  WHY slowly builds a wall of distrust between me and YOU.  WHY constructs a wall between me and God.  "WHY" still drives me NUTS!  Why, Why, Why???

Why am I writing this?  Because just MAYBE it will help someone else who has the same F'ing problem--and like me, will stop and look at their own stupid, single, three-letter word...W.H.Y???

Join me if you wish:
Sober, Happy, At Peace...today
And love someone...today!

ARTISTS AND ANGELIC BREEZES

This poem is dedicated to the many artists, painters, poets, writers of prose, recovering addicts/alcoholics and story-tellers who day after day inspire me to try...try to become a better person. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

IN THE WIND IS ANGELS' SONG

The blowing breeze

Carries messages of love
Around the world
By creatures angelic
While I simply be.

And I observe
Churning waters of the sea,
Winded...and seeming
Directionless.
Also part of Thee?

I look at nature, painting Herself above
And below, quite colorfully
Beautifully, Vibrantly
I am part of it all--
"One plus one are always three".

I see many have been sent;
God's Creation of love continues.
God's gifts--so freely lent.
Artisans and artists, poets and Peeps
And on these blogs, they write to meeee?

Yesssssss!!!--grin!

Countless angels are singing
During wind's caressing of those
Sweet chimes of mine, to ring
As music. I HEAR!
And Oh! Now I SEE!

So blow wind, go wind, slow wind,
Push your own way this and that.
Since I have surely sinned
And since I have paid the fee
Come you angels!  Sing me FREE!

--Steve E. 3/14/2010

LOVE today!
PEACE today!
SOBRIETY today!
Willingness to CHANGE...today.

MY LIST

Now and then, I get a bit mushy and reflect on the wonderful gifts which God has given to me.  I am grateful for many things--among them:

Music, which lifts me from this worldly world


Singing in the Choir at St Ann Church

Art--all genre, all form, all color

I will get to "ride" to my meeting tonight

It is my "home group" meeting (Thursday)

I am librarian for this group

Never figured I'd be proud to be a librarian

I will tell my weekly joke tonight to about 200 people

They will laugh

Laughter is good

I use my computer for God's sake!

I have several 'families'

Prayer Girl and our children is one dear family

My early 7 AM meeting is my other dear 'family'



Other AA meetings I love

You bloggers--Yessss!--are also my 'dear' family.

I love all my families

My families love ME!

I wear a beautiful solid gold cross

Daily Reflections (A.A. Readings)

Anthony De Mello (Author)

The Cloud of Unknowing (Book)

Water aplenty

A roof that does not leak

A toilet that does

A wide TV screen

That I don't watch TV

Knowing how to pray

Learning how to meditate

My contact with God as a Friend

Do not ANYONE who reads this think that I am not grateful--in the extreme!

That's about enough for now--more to come...tomorrow?  Before signing off for this Thursday night, I've GOT to tell you all:

I am most peaceful, most serene, most happy, most thankful, and I know that God is close to me--at these moments in front of my computer.  This is whether I'm reading you, blogging, commenting, Emailing--and/or praying with you.  I love you.

MUCH Gratitude.
Steve 

CUT BACK AND CUT OUT!

POEM???


Take away my shoes
Take away my socks
Take all of my toys
Even my building blocks

I'll keep my Hershey bars.
Drive away my two cars
Take away my favorite bike
Help yourself to what you like

Carry off my so precious fiddle
On the hill play "Hey Diddle Diddle"
If you dare touch my Hershey Bars
You'll be the first on Planet Mars....

S'pose you know by now
That I've gotten fat--even how.
(By eating lots of cacao bean
Hiding it, so's not be seen)

So never ever even think
Offering me spicy food or drink
Will wrap me up and tie me in a knot
To loosen the hold on my chocolate.

DIETING:  DYING OR LIVING

For a week now I have been trying to "watch what I eat" read: not eat.  Just want to lose a few pounds, say 20-30 or so.  Anyway, I am only FOUR fewer than when I started,  according to some.  But I see it as a total loss of EIGHT pounds, because had I continued on my  ch-ch-ch-chocolate-and-cheese diet I would have gained four pounds. Is 4+4 not 8?

If anyone has bothered to read that paragraph...does it make sense?  I mean, my arithmetic!

After years of becoming and achieving the status of a stark-raving-raging-mad  chaos-driven (and fat!) alcoholic, the arithmetic I learned was 0 drink + 1 drink = Total drunken wreckage!  Because one drink ALWAYS (I NEVER had "just one") led to another and another, until...sweet oblivion. Understand that for YEARS it was not like that...but, little-by-little my body adjusted to the drug amounts, and I had to keep having more and more...just in order to get the "effect", to "again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once from taking a few drinks...".

If I went to a party, I ALWAYS brought my own bottle, so I would not be embarrassed to drink whatever I (by then) needed, to be really and truly what I determined as social.

AND...I was forever the great pretender, pretending that I was shober-ash-a-shJudgeh in any situation. I prided myself on my capability--capacity--to drink more than anyone, and be able to "hold my liquor". What a farce! The few Peeps who cared at all wondered, "How long before he dies?" (I was age 38-40 then.) And I guess I was really trying to kill myself with alcohol.

Well, in AA I found out that I had ZERO tolerance for alcohol.  The only way I could live was to NOT take the "first drink". Finally that made sense to me.  Simple, yes.  Easy? No!  But anyone will have to admit this works...if I don't take that first drink I will never get drunk.  For me it is the only thing which works.

Soooo, back to my diet.  If I stop eating, I'll never get fat and I'll die!  On the other hand, when I stopped drinking, I THOUGHT I was dying...and soon began to live, and later to really live, and now--sometimes--to be blest with a peacefulness beyond understanding.

Go figure!

Meanwhile, will you try please, to:
Stay sober with me today?
Smile today, with me?
Harbor no ill will or resentments today?
Be at PEACE today?
Be full of LOVE today?

TAKE CARE!

I'LL BE THERE--ANONYMOUSLY!

THE POEM

OH!  The wind in my face
Wet, dry, warm, cold
Big trucks want to race
I tell them, "I'm too old!"


So, off and riding I go
Eye on odometer
Speeding at a hundred or so
Racing to my sepulcher.

This Bergman, so nifty

Rides up a steep mountain grade

Passing trucks doing fifty

And I watch their images fade.

Passing, I focus on the rear vision glasses.

I'm seeing behind.

Suddenly, unexpected, a thought passes.

I'm being...blind.

Racing, facing, bracing

for the great inevitable shock

Dreading, praying, praying

Even the mountain is about to rock

Cannot see in front or around

I did not, do not feel a thing

What is that light...and sound?

It is my God--and His angels sing!

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness"

One of the "promises" in our "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous. P 83

THE STORY

As a child on the farm, I remember owning a dog "Lassie"--yes, named after the Roddy McDowall-Elizabeth Taylor (sigh!) movie "Lassie Come Home".  And I WAS Roddy McDowall, and my Collie--Lassie--and I celebrated many moonlit late evenings behind the horse barn plotting our escape from home, family, friends, school and mates. Of course, Liz Taylor figured prominently in our plans.


We looked at all the angles--I shared all this with Lassie. All would have been OK, except for one real real problem, money.  The salary of a fellow age 10 in 1943 living on a dairy farm was wayyy below poverty level.  A whole week's salary for after-school work netted me enough for 2 candy bars and 2 dog biscuits.  We were in trouble.  I do not know what became of our Lassie.


But.....Dear soul!  I believe she was trained to find half-full bottles of Muscatel hidden around by the hired hands.  She brought them to me, or me to them.  I can still taste the Muscatel of those years, especially its pungently-flavored uniqueness as it came back up and spouted out from my ten-year-old stomach--grin!


The wanderlust which I shared with Lassie never left.  It has become a character defect--not an obsession, but a need, a necessity, to GO somewhere, to be a gone guy.  "Where'd he go?  I dunno"...and I have found that very few give much thought as to where someone disappeared, and those few forget in a matter of days or weeks.


Outside of Alcoholics Anonymous there is no happier activity I could entertain than carrying my bag on a bus, Suzuki Bergman, train or plane, and up, up, and awayyyy!   It is more a "coming to" somewhere than a "getting away" from something.  There is nothing I do not LIKE (love!) where I live, there is just so much to discover where I've not BEEN.  I would have a sort of goal, but not a map of how to get there.


When I traveled with an orchestra, the guys would complain when we were four weeks out, saying they wanted to be home.  I complained because there were only two weeks remaining out on the road.


Whether in India or Indiana, Paris, Kentucky or Paris France, Dublin, Ohio or Dublin Ireland there is ALWAYS nearby an AA meeting, a "home", Peeps who know me, Peeps who are kind, considerate, giving, and loving. I am still learning how to respond to that love, and life is simply fabulous!


Let's be kind, considerate, giving, and loving today...and sober!

WHERE THERE IS SMOKE...THERE IS NOT ALWAYS FIRE

As with others, my poetry is just that-my poetry, whether worthy or not.  However, the blog post is an actual account of several mornings ago

Smoke sent animals scurrying
But I decided to stay
Someone would need help
Before the end of this day.

When I tripped and fell,
On my back I lay
I heard a crackling sound
Then saw it tumbling my way

A huge burnt-out Redwood came
Crashing like out of hell!
Somehow I rolled out of its path,
But from then, all was pell-mell.

I got up, ran, fell again.
If only some water, maybe a well?
Linger--read a little longer
Of the story I have to tell.....

WHERE THERE IS SMOKE, 
THERE IS....

 "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."

--One of the "Promises" listed in our Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p 84

This past Wednesday I woke up to the usual pre-dawn darkness of 5 AM to read some of the Peeps, comment a little, go to 7 AM meeting, etc.   I sat down at my "desk-computer" B.C. (before coffee!) and something seemed different.  

It was a sweet and smoky smell, like a Redwood-Charcoal fire.  Outside I smelled nothing--the natives were neither drunk nor restless, nor burning down their houses. 

OMG!  It was in my own house, this smell--which suddenly had changed from pleasant to unpleasant.  I stopped to ask God, "What next?" Don't know if He answered or not, but I decided to first locate the source, next, call the Fire Department (Caps on purpose), and awaken PG and her daughter.  

I knew there might be little time, so during these side-by-side moments, I was making a mental list of what to grab on the way out, on our hurried way to safety.

Each would make their own decision here, for me it was "computer, medicine,violin, and a pair of shoes".  As I discovered no fire in the house, I hurriedly erected a ladder to check out the attic. All this took less thank a minute of time. Attic provided no evidence.  Nothing!

At once a senior moment happened--I decided to "step back" and have a cup of coffee.  What?  What now?  

Only a few days before, we had bought this exotic coffee (not espresso--grin!), really sweet in flavor, and, well, special.  It was SO special it smelled like a house afire to me!!!  (A tiny bit had spilled onto the hot plate.)

So my false-alarm "fire" was the product of a crushed and cooked bean from South America!   Thank God. 

The "magic" of this episodic quarter-hour, the miracle here, was that I did not panic, nor even stressed, nor rushed.  I  just took one step at a time, to "get it right" the first time, or there would BE no time. 

Being without panic, in a do-or-die situation is not my "normal" but merely what I work to achieve, and it seems to BE working.

And so, I'll stay sober today again.
I'll be at peace today--again.
I'll harbor NO resentments--again today.
And I will show someone LOVE today--again!

Picture:  DEVIANT ART: House_Fire_by_alyssahsadie.jpg

IT'S COFFEE TIME with BILL and BOB

"I'LL HAVE A LARGE COFFEE, PLEASE." 

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness."

--One of the "Promises" listed in our Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p 8

Four days ago, a man sat across the room from me at an early-morning AA meeting.  I kept looking at him, trying to place where we had met.  He introduced himself as "Gary K, an alcoholic", a visitor from New York.

Prayer Girl and I went tonight to see a stage play, "Bill W and Dr Bob" which has been making the rounds in South Florida.  It is a re-enactment of how our fellowship began; the thousands of magical happenings (some call them miracles) which conspired to become a haven for the most desperate of ill Peeps, alcoholics.

The play was FABULOUS!  We knew Peeps throughout the theater, and they knew us. We were as one large family, witnessing our own history-in-the-making.  EVERYONE left the place smiling, because of the common problems and suffering we have all shared, and the recoveries we continue to experience and share.

This troupe has been together since summer 2009, and the show has been invited to play at the AA International Convention's 75th Anniversary in San Antonio, Texas July 1-4, 2010. Whoever might have an opportunity to see the show at that time, do not miss it.  They are GooooD!

Punch line:  The man who played Bill Wilson is named Gary K., a recovering alkie...the same man I spotted at our meeting.  And why he looked familiar to me is of course, his resemblance--hair cut, jaw line, body build, speech--to the real Bill Wilson, the cofounder of AA.

During a well-attended Post-Show Q and A session, I asked...and learned that six of the cast of 8 plus the Author are recovering Alcoholics!

This was a HUGE night of enjoyment for me, greeting so many Peeps who I know but do not see on a regular basis, since we all go to "separate meetings together"...--grin!

Sober again today.
At Peace again today.

The Coffee Pot and Cup
Davidson, Saskatchewan

Credit: David Yanko of Virtual Saskatchewan

BLIND LEADING THE BLIND

BE AWARE OF OTHERS' PROBLEMS

The following is not true:  I am in the hospital one leg chained up to the ceiling, both arms in slings, wrists broken, neck strapped for immovability, and in piss-poor condition overall.  I had stepped backwards, and this BIG dog "Lucky" had been laying right behind me. That was a dream.

OK, we do have a loving creature "Lucky", who is always, ALWAYS lurking right under or behind me.  It reminds me somewhat of life on the farm.

BACK TO 1935-1950

Animals--and we enjoyed the company of LOTS of them-- followed my father as if they were attached.  Wherever he walked went his entourage; dogs, cats, chickens, sometime one of the horses, and often in the mix was a favorite Guernsey heifer.  And he was never knocked down by any of those, He never tripped nor WAS tripped in that scenario.  

When my father fell down or was injured, it was usually a human mistake which preceded.  A door had been left ajar, a chair had been moved, a bucket (full of milk?) sat in the middle of an aisle in the barn, a wheelbarrel left sitting in an open doorway, a ladder had been moved or removed, a pitchfork had been left on the floor, prongs-up. You DO understand, right?  

Everything was measured in his brain, distances (how many steps) between the half-dozen barns, from one room to another, or to the door from a couch.  So if measurements were changed suddenly, chaos reigned in my father's life...like when the snows drifted.  He was utterly lost in a snowstorm.  Had not a clue which direction to go.  
He was, of course, blind. Blind meant "Blind" then.  (Years later the politically accepted word was "sightless", which included also those who could see, but not well.)

In his blindness he "saw" more then most of us.  But in his later deafness, he "heard" nothing except the incessant "cricket-like" sounds which affect the afflicted.  He accepted blindness, but deafness cut him off completely from society.  
 
We children learned early to be aware of others' problems, and have a healthy empathy for handicapped (challenged?) people.  I recall when some unthinking friends would take him by the arm and head for a door, where the Friend-Peep would walk through the door, letting blind Pop walk smack into a brick wall.

If you read this far, thank you for letting me share a glimpse of the early life of a drunk who finally left home at age 17 with a blurry vision of a perfect life with Early Times, Smirnoff, uppers and downers.  A drunk who walked with the swagger of an attitude of hatefulness, deathly fear, and whose only words were lies.

PEACE, today.
SOBER, today.

 

HEART OF ONENESS

 CHANGE OUR HEARTS

Oh, if I could only be more patient, tolerant, and kind with others.  If I could end my grudge, and not judge as I trudge.  If I could replace my hate, my fear, with love, with understanding tenderness.

When anyone, anywhere reaches out asking for help, my program teaches me to be there, to offer what experience, hope, and maybe strength I may conjure.  Surely God sends grace to aid in this endeavor.

As an alcoholic, I can be changed through working the Twelve Steps.  Drinking does not define me as once it did.  Learning about Right Living is now my definition, and I try to adjust  to a sane and sober way of life, a life which hurts nobody any more, evermore...not even me.

I would SO much wish to let Peeps know what and how God did for me what I could not do for myself. Yep, I have to work with God...daily, or He will let me drift about until I am more ready.  I am more ready now.

Lord, this time...change our hearts!

Sober today.
Ready today.
Live today.
Love today.
Joy today!
Glad for today!