SOME SERIOUS SHIT

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING 

IS ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES 

IN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

WHAT? NO UMBRELLA?

During my earliest memory--about age 5-8--Grown-up Peeps would ask me questions like, "What do you want to be when you grow up, young man?" Oh how I hated that condescending-sounded question! I mean, they didn't give a rat's ass about "what I wanted to be", right? RIGHT! So I began to make up things they wanted to hear, like "I want to be a farmer" (like my father) or, "I want to play violin in the Symphony!"

The old joke here is;
Kid: "I want to grow up and be a musician".
Response: "Well, son you can't do both!"

DEFINITELY I do not recall saying--or thinking--"I want to grow up and be a drunk and sleep under a bridge, and eat out of McDonald's dumpsters, and puke a lot, and die all alone of sclerosis while laying frozen in a snowbank!" 

Sometimes I would say what I REALLY wanted to be my career...psychologist or psychiatrist. Even at that early age, I felt in myself a special gift for "helping" people sort things out in their lives. Not MY life, understand...please! But I wished to "direct" the lives of others...hmmmmmm? Some bad vibes there?...

So, I played the violin--in symphony orchestras, in cabarets, on street corners, on boats, on airplanes (twice), in String Trios and Quartets, in recording studios, on the beaches of SW Florida, in churches, in Men's Toilet Rooms, for weddings, for funerals, for Christmas midnight masses...

Many years have swept by in hindsighted warp-speed. Today I find myself--not unusual at all in recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous--with several new Peeps to sponsor...which means three men asked me to be their sponsor, AND I became willing to let God use me to help them stay sober. 

It is a full life, allowing my time to be taken up by the needs of others. It is satisfying, fulfilling, rewarding.

The reason I am uniquely qualified to be of help, to peeps in real deep-shit trouble is because I have been where they are...I had completely clothed myself in utter chaos, even long since my last drink. Several times! 

Staying sober (not drinking alcohol) did not, nor does not guarantee a happy, joyous, free life. Staying sober is simply the beginning. For me it was a prerequisite. Becoming honest, open-minded and WILLING was then necessary. Next came surrender, action, complete change--prayer to some form of Higher Power (my choice)--as requisites.

And THAT is what I guide Peeps through, this 'simple' maze of twelve steps, to somewhat stressless peace, serenity, calmness of spirit, and a sober, happy and satisfyingly productive life. 

The reason--again--how I am qualified for this new (volunteer) job, is that I myself did everything WRONG! And learned the hard way. Many Peeps have forgiven and forgotten...one or two have not. God will sort that all out in time.

One of my personal needs is spiritual help to grant me patience, tolerance and calm understanding to allow other Peeps the RIGHT TO BE WRONG! I heard those words at my second AA meeting, more than 36 years ago.

And so, in a way, these three peeps I met this week, have entrusted their lives to...who, ME? OMG! Already I feel sorry for them who have asked me to be their sponsor, their guide through the program of AA. But I shall not back away from this responsibility, because it keeps ME sober, you know?

In fact, that is more than half of the whole idea--grin!

--steveroni

"SCREW YOU"....AND...."THANK YOU"

Pissed Off!

Recently I had the honor of telling a 54-year-old man that when he needs or wants money--go to the bank.  That's where they keep the money.  He got all huffy about this.  In fact, he hung up on me.  I sponsor this guy.

Money seems to be a big thing in his life.  His father seems to be where he thinks the money IS.  He is the beneficiary of an insurance policy on his father's life.  His father "signed" it over to him.  He cashed it in for the "cash value".  His father, meantime changed his mind (asshole father, really!) and canceled the disbursement of funds .  Got the picture?

Well, during the next conversation, I'm hearing that this same man (age 54) told his father that he "owed" him a new truck, because the father had promised it to him thirty-six (36) years ago!  Can you see me shaking my head?  I'm wondering, "What manner of man IS this?  He is unmarried, no children, good job in Chicago (self-employed home remodeling) and I am his sponsor the half-year he spends in Naples.  Got the picture?

So more than once, I said to him--"Sir, when we need money, or want money, or a new truck, we go to the BANK.  Because that is where the money is kept. OK?"  He balked greatly at this comment, which I kept repeating--he's the kind of guy who talks right while I am talking, which Fks up a phone conversation for me.

Thank You!

So today he called and kept on expressing his gratitude, his thanks to me, to God, to his other sponsor, to his seven sisters, etc.  He thanked ME for releasing him from the obsession of thinking that his father "owed" him ANYTHING.  He thanked me for suggesting that at age 54 he might consider "making it on his own".  I had told him it was grow-up time. He might even consider becoming a responsible 7-year sober ADULT.

He will be here Thanksgiving through April, and we will go to many meetings together.  And we have both changed this past half year, as I will be blogging over the next few days (only about MY changes...not HIS  --grin!)

I ask you, "How does this program work?"  I know, IT WORKS REALLY FINE!

Blessings, Peace, and sober Love, Peeps!
Steve

MORE RAMBLINGS

MORE RAMBLINGS: SATURDAY

Howdy, Blogger Peeps!

I'm just checking in with y'all. Wanted you to know I'm still sober. And I'm pretty sure you all are also. I have a strong suspicion that alcoholics who blog frequently (every day is 'frequent'!) stay sober. And those who blog infrequently stay sober also as long as you keep in touch, let us all know where you are, what you doing (and with whom? No! Ya don't have to go there!).

Or...if you quit blogging, stick close to your sponsor, go to as many meetings as you can, and don't forget, it sure helps a lot if ya don't drink!

Meetings here in Cocoa Beach, FL all day Friday, beginning at 7AM and ending after a DJ dance last night. Saturday morning begins with breakfast at 6, meeting on small beach (son-of-a-beach?) at 7, then 9, 10:30 1:30 3, Banquet at 6 (Luau, of which I am not too fond), meeting at 8 (Sandy B, Tampa FL), dance at 9:30...all this dancing, I don't know! Maybe we are not a glum lot, whatever that means...

Changing topic to: "Always must be correct, NMW":

Two tourists, drinks in hand, were approaching Honolulu, and got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. One said it was "Hawaii", the other said it was "Havaii".

The first thing they did upon landing was approach a local resident. "Aloha! How do you people pronounce the name of the island: 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii'?"

"Havaii."

"Thank you."

"A very varm velcome to both of you," said the local.

And, one more:
Steve read to Prayer Girl after she was asleep: "What is the work of a master?" asked a solemn-faced visitor. "To teach people to laugh," said the Master gravely.

NOTE: Above two vignettes are from "AWAKENING" by Anthony De Mello, #94 and #95.

BACK TO THE BLOG:

This is basically a "Twelve-Step Weekend". The Steps begin this morning, Sat. Until now most of the topic has been Twelve-Stepping and/or sponsoring. Time and again the speakers, sometimes doubling up on us, have stressed what some already know. That is, that in order to keep this thing, I MUST give it away..."so freely give what has freely been given me..." It seems so many have found the easier, softer way; going to meetings, sharing, and enjoying sobriety, without working the steps, without "carrying the message" to other suffering alcoholics.

The speakers, all from different areas of the US (Las Vegas, Dallas, St Paul, Louisville Ky, Bronx, NY, Southern Pines, NC, and Toronto, Canada, and Palm Coast, FL ) have been pounding away at this message of one-on-one sharing, helping, supporting, and giving. And I have been listening. And we shall be discussing this more in the future. Because I need to see it hear it, read it, DO it.

That is much more than I intended to write tonight, but you maybe are coming to realize, that some people (me) do not know when to write...

In LOVE and Service,
Sincerely,
Steve E

SPONSORSHIP: WHEN TO SAY NO!

I CANNOT SPONSOR YOU

BOB:

"We shared too much history for him to pay any attention to my directions." ---Quote from Big Book, pg 97

But you will not find that quote in your book. I had looked through my 4th Edition page-by-page, then 3rd, then 2nd Edition for this quote, found it on page 97 at bottom. Under the printed matter, there it was in faded blue ink.

I recall the happening. A quasi friend, who had been a daily bar customer (one of many!) of mine for five years, found his way to the AA room, and asked me to be his sponsor. I just couldn't do it, and told him so.

I could not tell him the reason though: I had been his bartender/entertainer for too long, and knew everything about him. Hundreds of times in our past I had agreed with his words, when I knew he was full of craparoni, and I could not now own up to that. It was then I asked my sponsor about it, and he, knowing both of us, said to me what I quoted above. We just knew each other too well--we shared too much history. It would have almost been like sponsoring a brother, a fairly well-known setup for disaster.

LOIS 1968:

This quite attractive lady, mid-thirties, and (ahem) quite well-proportioned, was also a daily customer, in the beginning drank very little. She was always scouting for young guys, and depended on me to guide her to ones which probably would not hurt her. I would point out a guy, she'd move to sit next to him, and minutes later, they would leave.

She always saw that I got a BIG tip. Lois owned a dress shop a few doors down from the (unnamed) bar. After about an hour the man would return, she would not. 'He' always needed a quick one. Every guy would ask me questions like, "Where did you find HER?" or "What time does she come into the bar tomorrow?" or "Wow! Phewww! AMEN!"

Some nights when we were alone at the closing of the bar, she would give me a good hug, and a better kiss, but never suggested more. I have often wondered (pictured?) what went on in that dress shop, and why I was never invited. She told me once, she "respected" me...Oh SHIT YEAH! But she always behaved like a "lady" and ALWAYS tipped more then the cost of her drinks. And she LOVED violin playing. Well, in a fashion, I suppose I 'respected' her also!

Lois finally settled down and married a real nice man, They asked me to play at their wedding in a church. I did. It WAS nice. (And I had introduced them at the bar!) Marriage lasted several...months. So I felt I was a failure at "Matchmaking"...(Although MANY of the people I introduced to one another are still together 40 years later!)

Lois found her way into AA, and asked me to sponsor her, and just could not understand why it would not work. And I could not understand it either! Dammmm rules!

May her wonderful soul rest in peace. She was good. I loved her.

I have SO many stories of real people-of-the-night who I got to know so well...maybe that's why I cannot get to bed on time--ever. I'll blog some more eventually. Some are REALLY good, Oh my yessss.

REALLY, In LOVE and service,
Sincerely,
Steve E.

Good Topic?

As I understand, in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous, certain guys (almost everyone new) had to be hospitalized. Well, the hospital, in order to guarantee payment, asked that every Alcoholic , upon admission, had to produce someone who would sponsor the new member. The "sponsor" was expected to PAY even if the patient did not. Now, THAT was "SPONSORSHIP"!

Sponsorship...AGAIN?

Just think what a huge act of humility it was for me, a self-centered alkie, to ask someone to help me. I am remembering. I could not even realize I needed help. What help?

My game was...I was always RIGHT THERE to help, when someone asked ME for help...but I'll be dammmmmed if I was going to ask YOUR help--that the great ME! was gonna stoop so low as to admit I was finally what you people said: POWERLESS, and that I needed help. Bull Crap on that!

A "we" program? Since when?

Since it IS a humbling behavior (asking for help) it was a huge change for me to ask someone--a MAN???--C'mon now, I'll ask a woman for help/commiseration(!), but a guy? Oh, well....(This one thing was what almost kept me from returning "next week".)

I could see that everyone around me who HAD a sponsor was fairly happy, their thinking seemed "above average!" and most looked like they were a 'part OF', rather than 'apart from' something. And I wanted to be like them...

"I wanted what you had", but I didn't know those words yet. And--for some strange reason--, I wanted you to like me! Oh GOD, how I wanted that!...and so I did what you said, more or less...less?

And so time slipped by, and here is:

TODAY

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I simply just do not want to sponsor a certain person, or maybe anybody, on a certain day. But I've been reminded that when I was searching, how much 'courage' it took ME to get out there and ask a stranger to help me

So even if I do not WANT to be your sponsor...when you ask, I tell you, "Sure, I'll sponsor you temporarily, until you can find a permanent sponsor."

That way I do not 'destroy' that spark of humility which enabled you to ASK! It is those small sparks which become a flame of hope and belief, then eventually a roaring fire of ENTHUSIASM! This--I KNOW about. I LIVE it!

Let's hear it--for sobriety today, Peeps! OK?

Without LOVE, there is nothing--absolutely nothing--look it up! WITH LOVE, there is everything--yes, everything!

In LOVE and Service,
Sincerely,
Steve E.

JUST ANOTHER DAY

SPONSORSHIP: AN ANALOGY

Meeting this morning was on "Sponsorship". I've probably been to 500 meetings on this topic. Suddenly during all the 'same-ole, same-ole' sharing I was inspired to approach the subject without even mentioning "Sponsorship"...and it seemed to make a lot of sense (not to the 87 people attending--but to ME -grin!). So I said, I am Steve, I am an alcoholic:

"I play a violin.
I am VERY good at it.
One day a fellow told me about his grandfather.
His grandfather played violin just like me.
I asked at what school he learned?
None.
I asked who was his teacher?
Oh, he taught himself!
One thing I know about his grandfather.
He don't play like ME!"

NOTE: For newer people who might not have understood the analogy, the grandfather without a teacher, is like the fellow who is trying to stay sober without a sponsor, and he will never be as happy, free, and as 'sober' as if he'd had a sponsor. Get it? -grin!

NOTE #2: Yesterday April 1, I played for the old folks at a Retirement/Nursing Home. About 40 of them, through dinner and a little "musical, sing-along-type" after--you know what I mean.

Well, I knelt down in front of a 97-year-old lady in a wheelchair, so I could play right near her. She opened her eyes, pointed at my violin, and asked me, "Do they let you keep that thing in your room?" 10 hours later, I'm now still laughing.

Also got to play (it was not planned) Happy Birthday for a little old lady. She had asked me to play it for her. I found out later, her date of birth was April 1, 1908, she is 101 years young, and she whistled and sang with me--IN TUNE! I'm tellin' ya gang, what JOY I experienced cannot be explained in any words I know.

You and I, we ARE staying sober today, right? OK!
Pray for me.

In LOVE and service.
Sincerely,
Steve E.