A MEMORY--ARE YOU NEW HERE?

IN MEMORIAM--
BRUCE GREEN

"A memory is something I HAVE--not something I've LOST"

February 7, 2008

Bruce Green died this week...and we just returned from his burial service. In the next two weeks a memorial service will be held for Bruce at the Twenty-Four Hour Club. On that occasion I intend to read this short story, one of my many memories of this wonderful man:

I love Bruce Green. And with a love so pure, Bruce Green Twelve-Stepped me two times. The first time, in February 1974, I did not know him. He and another guy came to my house. I have no recollection whatever of that first visit, my family tells me it did take place.

One month later I arrived at the door of Alcoholics Anonymous, thoroughly beaten, evidently ready to "give up". With God helping me, I never took a drink of alcohol since that time. Bruce was--only by chance, I did not know him!--chairperson at my first Alcoholics Anonymous beginner’s meeting, and I DO remember that occasion. I was completely unimpressed (cough....cough!). That was March 19, 1974.

Nearly 34 sober years after that first meeting (just two days after Christmas 2007) I walked into the crowded "cookie meeting", and took a seat at the big round table next to Bruce. He turned to me and looked me in the eye. Then, wearing that huge grin of his, he said “You're new here, aren't you?”

Well, I played along with what I thought was a game. He told me he would see that I got a Big Book and some phone numbers before I left the room, then began to explain a few things about Alcoholics Anonymous to me. Back and forth, I played his little game, we’ve known each other for such a long time.

After the meeting, when he went to fetch me a Big Book, I realized he no longer recognized ME! When he Twelve-Stepped me the first time, 34 years ago, I did not know HIM. When he Twelve-Stepped me 34 sober years later, my friend did not know ME.

I guess one moral of my story is: Bruce taught that we do not have to know someone...to give them the toolkit of recovery, to help them, to love them!

(If I’m crying, it is because I recognize again that UNLIMITED AWESOME POWER which is ours for the taking. That same power kept Bruce working his AA program even after his mind had failed...he was still out there working it, offering to help who he thought was a “newcomer” by making me comfortable in my “new” surroundings of Alcoholics Anonymous.)

Bruce went home that night with who I suppose was his caregiver. You'll meet him one day, right inside heaven's gate, and--with that huge smile, he'll probably say to you, "You're new here, aren't you?"

Steve E.

MY FIRST 24 HOURS

DAY ONE

Thiry-Four Years Ago

MY PRAYER: My God, I am so grateful to You for this gift of sobriety, this gift which has allowed me to be another of those who can proclaim to any who will listen, Your LOVE, Your KINDNESS, Your PATIENCE, Your FRIENDSHIP, Your OMNIPOTENCE!

Following are some thoughts on my first 24 hours of sobriety, after sinking progressively for nearly twenty-five years into the alcoholic abyss of total self-centeredness, fear, paranoia, and alcoholic insanity.

Five minutes before midnight on Monday March 18, 1974, I had my last and final drink of alcohol. At that moment I was given an opportunity available to many, but which comparatively few have accepted. That is, the chance to begin a second life, to be one of you--that unique minority of humans who are fortunate enough to be given that second break, that gift, and receive the chance to live two complete and distinct lives in one lifetime.

Tuesday March 19, 1974 8:30 PM:
It was very dark that night (or so it seemed to me!) when I walked for the first time into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at Trinity-By-The-Cove Church, in Port Royal, into what was called then (and still is) "The Naples Group". Being "fashionably" five minutes late, I was thinking, "DUMB, Steve--look what you've done now. This is the stupidest move...you must REALLY have gone completely mad! I expected to sneak quietly into the room, sit, shake, and sweat (the three s's?) in the back, and figure out "How am I going to get out of *this* predicament?" All I needed was a few drinks to get me back to normal. Remember...I had my last drink just 20 hours before. (Yes, at 8:30 PM I had that "desire to stop drinking"--maybe until 9:30 PM?) Yes, I certainly was willing to do ANYTHING to have a better life--anything......except stop drinking! ("If ya wanna stop drinking...well, stop drinking", they used to say!)

Well, a fellow came walking fast, out into the parking lot, out from that meeting, almost falling down the few steps, to greet me, saying, "I'm Jim ...welcome." Then, no questions being asked or answered, he proceeded to guide me into the meeting room, right past/through everyone. I, as unobtrusively as possible, bumped into a couple old, old =grin= fellows, fell across a couple chairs and an old lady on the way to--guess where?--the door all the way at the other end of the room! So, already, I was ushered "in and out" of AA in 60 seconds.

Outside, he herded me across a small courtyard, into a smaller, very smoky, very crowded room, called the "Beginner's Room". How did they happen to know? This meeting was chaired by Bruce G., (who claims he remembers me from that night?) and the topic was Steps One, Two, and Three. Thank God, when I arrived, they were already on Step TWO! (I calculated that a third of the meeting must already be history!) Because all I wanted to do was get out of there. Not one memorable--to me--thought came out of that meeting, except those words which they all said at the end, not to me, of course! , but to each other, "Don't drink" and "Come back next week." (By the way, that's exactly what I did.)

Many in this room are able to tell you the "REST OF THE STORY", because we are all so much alike. So if some of you newer folks wish to hear the "rest of the story" you'll have to "Come back next week!"

Steve E. --written July 4, 2008, 34+ years of staying sober One Day At A Time.

(WARNING! LOOONG POST...but read anyway? =grin=)

BOY SCOUTING--MY FIRST DRUNK c1943

Part I

About sixty-five years ago, I found myself a "Tenderfoot" in the Boy Scouts of America. How proud I was, with a brand newly starched "regulation" uniform, shoes, sox, "army-type" garrison cap, shovel for digging trenches (yeah!), official belt-hanging flashlight, and backpack. I still remember that ..."a scout is Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent."

We assembled in a khaki field (khaki means dusty!) covered in our khaki-colored everything as if we were waiting to relieve "men" on the front line, and proceed undaunted into the bloody battle. The occasion was my first experience of a simple weekend camporee, and thousands, well--be honest, Steve--maybe hundreds?-- of us participated in the event.

My most vivid recollection is that of learning what a "Snipe Hunt" was all about. Here was me, the uninformed (but uniformed!) clod from the farm (where I practiced violin nightly in the horse barn!) out on an island mid-river--with cow crap still clinging to my shoe bottoms--from 5 PM until after dark, scared to death, water rising all about, not a sound (other than the horrible growls and shrieks I was imagining), holding a sack. Not one Snipe had I seen all that time, but I was planning how to kill something to eat--and also how to "kill" those other ten-year-old "men" who had left me out there to die! They finally got frightened themselves, thinking I might drown, and an Angelic Being, playing a violin, would come to haunt them throughout all their sorry--assed lives. And so I heard the shouts , as I prepared the bag to receive beaucoup of those flying Snipes. So yes dear friends, I know what it's like to be "left holding the bag!"

Part II (not much longer, you're halfway there!)

The dozen or so of us arrived at camp covered in khaki mud, quite wet--we had to wade in belt-deep river to return--thirsty, and hungry--from the Snipe Hunt. At least one of us--ME!--was very red-faced, not from the evening sun, but out of embarrassment. However, there was a celebration that night which included a feast, guitar-playing and singing and stories with Burl Ives, and an enormous vat of apple cider. Although I lived at that time on a farm with an apple orchard (a whole field of apples, pears, , etc., but no orange trees!) I knew nothing of apple cider. My Higher Powers--all twelve of them--told me the cider was called "Hard Cider" because it had fermented, and that it would give me a good feeling inside, and all my fears would go away...HA!

You can probably guess what happened: I drank very, very much of the "Hard" cider, until I threw it up, then drank some more. And I became as drunk as I can ever, ever remember experiencing during my later "heavy drinking days". With the encouraging crowd of scouts urging me on, I became at first happy, then boisterous, then fighting mad, then a crybaby, and, as best I recall, in a drunken stupor I passed out.

Of course of course, there IS a punch-line to this vignette. It happened that the afore mentioned "Hard Cider" was simply regular store-bought apple cider (no capitals, no quotes!)...I had gotten drunk sans alcohol! Rest of the story is that I knew then that alcohol would one day become my lover, my ruler, my god, my drug, my best friend. What I did NOT know was that thirty years later it would become my worst ENEMY, that it would turn against me with a vengeance, sickening my body, mind and soul, turning my life into utter chaos, and destroying my wonderful three wives' lives, along with children, relatives, and etc., etc. Y'all know what I mean! And I thank y'all for knowing...and for showing me that there IS a way out, and up. God bless you all and me, too!
Steve E.

Alcoholics Anonymous--
THE GIFT!

Alcoholics Anonymous has been for me--the second 15 years--like one forever Santa Clause. The gifts just keep pouring onto a pile, I use them, and then I give them away. And then more gifts arrive for me to use and enjoy.

When we were very young (before my first pint of wine!) my mother would have us gather and pack up our toys. We piled them into the car and took all the "good-conditioned" ones to a poor family downtown. Then, Santa would come and give us whole new bags full of stuff.

Well, AA is quite the same to me. I give, I get (but I do NOT give JUST to get!). Giving is fun, as is "getting". Which brings me to a (Ha!) sober thought. Alcoholics Anonymous is always giving stuff: Twelve Steps, Traditions, Peace, Love, Serenity, yes, even Happiness and, of course, friends, new relationships with family, Confidence, and finally, the best gift, a Friendship with a Higher Power, for me...God--that IS His name--right? I can talk to Him, it's just like talking to a buddy. Or, I can content myself by just BEing in His Presence, with not a single thought in my head to mar our momentary Union. Like I might sit on a park bench with a loved one, not a word passing between us...just love!

However, as well and often as these gifts are offered, they are not really gifts unless I accept them. Although I did not know it at the time...God offered to me AA and the Twelve Steps--which is a nice gift--but WAIT! It is not a gift until I take it (and use it?). If I give to you a book, but you do not reach out and grab it with your hand, there is no gift. The old saying, "It takes two to Tango" fits right in here.

Shakespeare in Merchant of Venice has his character say, in the "Quality of Mercy" speach "A gift is twice blest--in him that gives and him that takes." I love that line, for it explains to me why so many of us don't "make it" here in Alcoholics Anonymous. We did not accept the offered gift. A gift cannot by it's very nature, cannot be "blest" only once.It is not God's fault, or AA's fault. Yet we say things like "AA didn't work for me", as if AA is a hired hand on the farm. Well, I'm here to tell whoever cares to read it: "AA DID work for me, because we worked together--key words "we" and "together". So my last drink was the night before my first AA meeting, and that was 34 years ago, March 18, 1974. Of all the gifts I've received from this program, the only one I really OWN is that date, my sobriety date. Everything else is borrowed, like at the library. I take it out, and I bring it back, for someone else to use. All life is such.

That's enuff out of me today.
Steve E.

WHAT'S THE (OTHER) POINT?

Seems as if I spend a lot of time seeing one doctor or the other(s). Having reached the three-quarter century mark is maybe part of the reason. I do really enjoy "going to" doctors' offices, because I am riding my Suzuki scooter, and it's SO much fun. (I carry an extra helmet--my wife's) for any alky who might need a ride home.) Back to "medical" stuff. Here I am with prostate cancer--which after fighting all through 2007 (ever heard of the "Cyberknife?") seems to be contained. I'm having shingles right now on my head (nothing but sores and a headache, though). Had TWO heart attacks before age 35, phlebitis in late sixties (both leg veins stripped), lots of body skin cancers (every six months the derm doc is zapping and cutting, and sewing here and there) and several small ops--throat nodules or something, a real great "thumb job", (didn't even know there were such people as "hand surgeons!") and etc., etc., stuff I cannot even remember.

So much for the medical crapola. "What's the point?" The point IS that through ALL of those situations and procedures, the only time I've ever given them much thought, is when I'm "in the throes" of trying to help another alky through his own dealing with illnesses and such.. This wonderful gift from God, of the program and people of Alcoholics Anonymous, has allowed me to live happily now for a looong time. Of course, perfection is not what I'm writing about here, but a much better Way of Life which is mostly comfortable.

My wife Anna and I met (she said, "We have to talk." Watch out, when "she" says "We have to talk", it's not just "talk" we're talking about!! ) at an AA meeting about 20 years ago, and she can corroborate that when we first met, she probably asked, "How are you?" And my "mantra" answer was no doubt, "GREAT!" That is still my answer today, to that abstractly-asked question, "How ARE you?" Is it an attitude of gratitude? Well, maybe even more than that. AA has provided me with an attitude of ENTHUSIASM, a love of life, and a willingness--no--almost a "compulsion" to share every thing with every body =sic=...I want SO MUCH for you to have what I have found here, and this is backwards thinking. It should be that YOU want so much what I/we have (well, most of the time =grin=?). Can you tell you are reading stuff written by a "grateful" alcoholic? I don't know if anyone will even READ this, and it matters not much--I had to write it. Again....Amen.

BTW, I've found another special friend (who I've not yet met!) and she has helped me navigate the "blog situation" (how-to) and I wish to thank her. I guess anyone who comes on this page already knows her:

http://marychristineg.blogspot.com

she's a true blue "real" alcoholic of our type(?) and I'm certain she has that "it" which "we are willing to go to any length to get"...love that girl's sobriety. She also has weaned me of my usual four 6 kb Emails per day =grin=I'll continue to grow!
Steve E.

1976--MEMORIES

The year 1976 was a difficult time for myself, my wife, and our two children. I had just read in a "spiritual-type" book, that the next step to holiness was to pray for bad things to happen to myself. It is TRUE what they say--you'll usually get what you pray for, but maybe that was my lesson. I did learn the extent of the Power of Prayer (Ouch!). Everything bad which could happen, happened to me that year.

I moved our small family lock, stock, and barrel from Naples FL to Kirksville MO, to a university which had advertised for a Graduate Assistant who could play the violin. Hey, that was ME! (I found out during those 18 months that when they say, ..."earned a Master's Degree"...they really meant EARNED. No sissy achievement, that.)

One week after moving to Kirksville, I became VERY ill, and a teaching osteopathic hospital there took me in, tested me all over for ten days, could never find my problem. They (all the med students) seemed baffled. However, the POINT of the story: The Music School Dean came to visit me in the hospital, thinking that a fellow whose home was 1,700 miles away might be lonely. When he arrived, my room was FULL of people--we were having an AA meeting! The dean couldn't believe that I had only moved there four days earlier, and already had 2 dozen fast friends with flowers!

Only two years sober at the time, I learned that "we" in the Steps, means "WE"! And I learned early, that AA is the same everywhere. Though we may have a few differing openings and closings of meetings, the "down-and-dirty" part is one alcoholic talking with, and helping another to stay sober. Amen! I love it, and even love those memories of my early daze.

Steve E.

"An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held
while he's isolating."

MEETINGS

The early morning AA meetings, at 6 and 7AM, which I get to attend daily are the highlight of my day. What a gift, what wonder--to live the best part of every day literally before breakfast! Used to be I'd think people with more than three decades of soberness were crazy for sitting through two meetings each and every day. Well, now that it's ME (crazy is as crazy does?!), I understand the sheer JOY of being with sixty or seventy of my own kind, some first-timers, some of whom I call mid-range (5-15 sober years) and some old timers, like 20-50-year sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Yes, I LOVE it, and, ya know, I don't go to meetings because of what I used to be like. I go because of what I am like NOW, so as to maintain this sanity and stay living in comfortable sobriety. If I keep maintaining my sanity--a.k.a. "Spiritual Condition"--I have no fear that I might get crazy enough to drink again. However, I DO know that could well happen, if I don't keep doing the mix of things that keep me content and comfortable living in--and adjusting to--reality, a day at a time. BTW, I only know what I've heard in these rooms, so if you said something, and I write it, don't fret. Just praise God that it is being passed on. OK? Thanks!

Enuff for this moment, from
Steve E.

AN OLD ALKY,
(BUT I FEEL YOUNG!)

Many years ago, in early grammar school, my peers had trouble pronouncing my last name, so in second grade, I received the nickname "Alkaseltzer". Soon, that also became cumbersome, a mouthful, and my name then was shortened to the simpler "Alky". Little did they or I realize how predictable was their choice of my name Alky, which would last not only through the grade and high-school years, but for the rest of my life. My future, of a diseased mind and body, although not yet fully decided, was given its name at the age of 8.

Recently--2001--I celebrated with classmates the 50th Anniversary of our St Xavier High School graduating class. Sober then for twenty-some years, I immensely enjoyed being summoned by that same old name of endearment(?) "Hey, Alky, come over to our table and play something from 'Phantom of the Opera' on that violin".

A good time was had by all. They drank, I did not. I fiddled while Rome burned!

Steve E. (Full of humility today--yeah, right!--at least, that's what I tell whoever asks, "How are you?". =grin=)

NUMBER TWO--ALREADY?

UMMMM!

Tonight's menu is Chili--Love it! Ya know what? I love just about everything AND everybody these days. All the hates and resentments are simply GONE, along with a lot of other crapola. Being (ahem) not prefect, I'll be working on Pride for ever and ever. Pride, that mostest and greatest of defects which I continue to entertain, the granddaddy of all else which might be out of kilter in my life today...(not much, mind you! =grin=)

Well, I'll try not to show it in these blogs, but that ain't easy! Since I've been given ALL these gifts, I just want to flaunt them--I mean gifts of sobriety, (some) sanity, a new friendship with God, (some) serenity, a peace beyond my understanding, etc. But ya know, I still want it ALL--NOW!

My wife Anna (sober 23 years July 5), says, "Come eat yer CHILI, and get off that computer, for gosh sakes! So......Goodbye.
Steve E.

FIRST ANONYMOUS BLOG

Hi Guys, I'm new at "Anon" posting, feel like I'm hiding something. Of course, y'all know me, and I know all'y'all'n, because of our common disease (dare I say it?) ALCOHOLISM! There! I said it!

Oh my...today: Well, after waking up at usual 4:30AM, I wrote my new AA friend Mary Christine "somewhere in those foothills" whatever that is =grin=. I've been a night person all my life, musician and bartender-type, but 3 months ago, I chanced on two beautiful meetings at 6AM and 7AM (SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA--HA! I'm catching on...), and been attending DAILY ever since.

When I arrived at the doors of AA on March 19, 1974, I could only make one meeting a week. Now, after 34 years of continuous sobriety, I'm going to fourteen meetings a week--and LOVE them--plus a few more.

Also went to a doctor and an eye doctor for these darn shingles, left side, and all around-the-head type. Thet're getting better, after 3 weeks. The Joy of Living today for me, is to help spread the miracles of our gifts to others, to "freely give what we have found here..." and that's what I'll be trying to do on this blog.

I gotta go practice my violin now. Peace, now and forever, to whoever comes onto this site. I'll have to get used to this!

Steve E. (Oops!, it's Steveroni--rhymes with Macaroni.)