RECLUSE NO MORE

ME--MR SHY GUY

NOTE: This repost is slightly edited.

A blogger wrote me concerning a problem she was experiencing, and it was so in tune with some of my own life's trials. In remembering my own willingness to humbly ask God to help me in this regard, and to pass along this information (Third Step Prayer) I answered the letter as follows...

TO: Name Deleted

Glad to have a chance to chat with you here, in reference to your comment on my blog this morning, and how you see me as "easily meeting and talking with people". It was not always like that. In fact, AFTER fifteen years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, I was as yet quite shy, although beginning to mask it with emotional outbursts of anger, joy, sadness, and the like--I mean real outbursts!

Wow, this could turn into a Blong (a long blog --grin!). I was very shy as a child. Alcohol, of course alleviated that to some extent. But, as they say, my problems really only began when I stopped drinking. Before that, drinking SOLVED all my problems. I became reclusive, and isolated like you-know-what--a skeleton in a closet.

"And then one day", as the story goes, I guess (don't know) I got tired of seeing all these people--some of them with only one year sobriety--enjoying life, enjoying themselves and each other, while I, with fifteen years dry in AA, embarrassingly sat somewhere alone. I even wrote a poem "I was alone and lonely. Also I spoke to no one, and the world seemed a strange place....etc." What is that about, in our wonderful Big Book "...Grave emotional and mental disorders."???

So I 'forced' myself to talk to strangers, they seemed to be the easiest, because people who didn't know me had no prejudgment. Little by little, I just started smiling, acting happy, talking to everyone, saying exactly what I think. NOTE: I have recently found this (what I think, that is) to be sometimes NOT too good an idea! Some thoughts are best left between God and me.

I do not hide any more behind words. And now I AM happy! I walk across the street any time we have new neighbors, to meet and greet them. Most are foreigners, Latin, and I can 'feel' their love after a time. I have some stories about that also. Here is one:

An early morning knock at our front door brought me face-to-face with new the owner of the house next door. He is Haitian, could not even speak English. But his sounds and gesturing let me know, that the water company was shutting off the water supply to our house. I got outside in a hurry. As it turned out, the water company staff had 'fingered' the wrong house, even the wrong street.

This all happened because I went over in December as they were moving in, and offered to help by watching them work -grin! In times not long back, I'd have never even glanced at the new neighbors, not known where they were from, what work they do, how many children. I was even then learning to get away from 'me' and into 'others'. How much more beautiful does this make life? I cannot tell you. Each of us must find our own path in these matters. For me, it makes my life indescribably better, more fulfilled, more happy!

Everywhere--yes everywhere--I go on my scooter, I wave to people and smile (big). It amazes, it awes me, how many people now wave back and smile with me. They 'know' me now. I always talk with people at meetings who I do not know--I've become real good at that "first responder" type of encouraging, enthusiastic, meeting with a new person.

And now it has become EASY!!!! And I forget how it used to be (even in sobriety--for years) until you or someone reminds me. So I thank you more than you know--for letting me see what God has done in my life, what I could not do for myself. And NONE of this is my pride, what I'm writing you...just the way it is. I believe that is why God keeps us blogging--to share with one another what marvelous changes He has brought about in our separate lives.

I make mistakes, talk out of turn, say too much, embellish a bit, etc. I get by with stuff because of age, and 'time' sober, and by "grinning". God smiles at me, and I cooperate--daily--which gets me through almost each and every day in a safe, happy way. By the way, nothing could make me happier at this moment, than if something I wrote here is of help to you.

And with that, I've got to get to a 6 AM meeting--it's 5:10 AM here. (I may use this as my blog tonight, but of course, I would delete your name from it.)

I truly LOVE your work, your words, your pictures--as do so many of us. Thank you for all that!

Sincerely, with love for AA and God,
Steve E

And, sober today is what we'll be--right? RIGHT!

AA FELLOWSHIP

"FELLOWSHIP HALL?"

STEVE: WALLFLOWER

For a Blong time I have been an in-and-outwardly shy, timid and bashful person. Of course, alcohol loosed some of my inhibitions for about 25 years. But even in Alcoholics Anonymous I continued to suffer with delusions of inadequacy, when outside my group setting, away from the meeting hall.

Sitting in meetings, sharing and working, I am very, VERY enthusiastic, and feel totally "at home". Confidence is my middle name. This is the truth, in any meeting, any city, anywhere, any time.

Outside of the meeting rooms is a different story. I began two months ago having "breakfast with a few of the guys" every Friday after the morning meetings. It has been enjoyable for me, but continues to be an uneasy affair. For one thing, the guys are 20-30 years younger than me. For another, they are all successful in business and life, in their prime. I do not believe any one of them has ever drank under a bridge, unless they were building it, or painting it. Pretty sure none of them ever slept under one. I did. In winter. In Cincinnati. Drunk.

However, we do all suffer from a common, deadly disease, alcoholism, that killer illness which told me I was F.I.N.E., when my life was utter chaos.

Mary C wrote in her Sunday blog, "If you are new to AA, please avail yourself of the fellowship." How timely those words arrived as an addend to my thoughts on a blog for tonight...

Well, I am not new to AA, but I have suffered an inability to avail myself of the full benefit of the fellowship--for many years. At Christmas parties, Gratitude Dinners, Conferences, I have either been, or 'felt like being' a wallflower, unable to join socially with others. Understand, this HAS gotten better as the years zipped by, but I felt a real lacking in my program, which truly affected my peace and serenity.

Today, Anna and I attended an AA birthday party for a friend, at which were about 40-50 local peeps. A girl had handed me an invitation only a week ago, which in the past, I likely might have turned down, thinking I had to go there and "put on a front" of being happy, etc. And I thought, "What in the hell. I AM happy! There is no acting on that score, so what IS the problem...Steve?" Seems as it is a habit, formed long ago in early childhood--like age 4-5-6--when I would not allow ANY one to know me.

We went to the party, and were one of the last to leave, I had such a good time--also I believe Anna enjoyed it. Probably a dozen or more people I've known for years, in actuality I never 'knew' them. And I'm sure some got to know me, because I AM not a quiet guy after a few drinks--COFFEE, guys!

I learned what a pleasure, what FUN it is, to "...avail myself of the fellowship." It is free, it is simply for the asking, it is for participation, and for me, it is learning. And how do I learn? Certainly not by listening, reading, thinking, meditating...but by DOING!

And do you know, God was at that birthday party! God was in almost every conversation which happened there. It was evident in behaviors--no fights, no quarreling, no harsh words or looks. It was evidenced in the genuine caring, sharing and laughter, and the love shown by all to all.

How wonderful is our fellowship. To think that I used to hate the word: Fellowship. Without it I might not continue to grow along spiritual lines--note that word CONTINUE? Important!

I truly love you, bloggers, and that love grows as I listen to what you tell me, and then DO it! Thank you, all! And today is a sober day for all of us. Right? "Yep!"

Peace and Love,
Steve E

LETTER TO A BLOGGER

Li'l Beaver says: "You Betchum, Red Ryder"

A LETTER TO ONE ANONYMOUS BLOGGER

A blogger wrote me concerning a problem they were experiencing, and it was so in tune with some of my own life's trials. In reviewing my own--however reluctant--willingness to humbly ask God to help me in this regard, and to pass along this information (Third Step Prayer) I answered the letter as follows...

TO: (Name Deleted)

Glad to have a chance to talk to you here, in reference to your comment on my blog this morning, and how you see me as "easily meeting and talking with people". It was not always like that. In fact, fifteen years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, I was as yet quite shy, although beginning to mask it with emotional outbursts of anger, joy, sadness, and the like--I mean real outbursts!

Wow, this could turn into a blong (a long blog-grin!)...but I was very shy as a child. Alcohol, of course alleviated that to some extent. But, as they say., my problems began when I stopped drinking. Before that, drinking solved all my problems. I became reclusive, and isolated like you-know-what--a skeleton in a closet.

"And then one day"...as the story goes, I guess (don't know) I got tired of seeing all these people--some of them with one year sobriety--enjoying life, enjoying themselves and each other while I, with fifteen 'sober' years in AA, embarrassingly sat somewhere alone. I even wrote a poem "I was alone and lonely. Also I spoke to no one, and the world seemed a strange place....etc"

So I began to 'force' myself to talk to strangers. They seemed to be the easiest, because people who didn't priorly know me entertained no prejudgment. Little by little, I just started pretending, by smiling, acting happy, talking to everyone, saying exactly what I thought, no matter what.

I do not hide any more behind words. And now I AM happy! I walk across the street any time we have new neighbors, to meet and greet them. Most are foreigners, Latin, and I can 'feel' their love after a time. I have some stories about that also. Here is one:

An early morning knock at our front door brought me face-to-face with new the owner of the house next door. He is Haitian, could not even speak English. But his sounds and gesturing let me know, that the water company employee was outside shutting off the water supply to our house. I got outside in a hurry. As it turned out, the water company staff had 'fingered' the wrong house, even the wrong street.

This all happened because I went over in December as they were moving in, and offered to help by watching them work -grin! (In times not long back, I'd have never even glanced at the new neighbors, not known where they were from, what work they do, how many children.) I was even then learning to get away from 'me' and into 'others'. How much more beautiful a life does this make? I cannot tell you, since each of us must find our own path in these matters. For me, it makes my life indescribably better, more fulfilled, more at peace, more happy!

Everywhere--yes everywhere--I go on my bike, I wave to people and smile (big). It amazes, it awes me, how many people now wave back and smile with me. They 'know' me now. I always talk with people at meetings who I do not know--I've become real good at that "first responder" type of encouraging, enthusiastic, meeting with a new person.

And now it has become EASY!!!! And I forget how it used to be (in sobriety for years) until you or someone reminds me. So I thank you more than you know--for letting me see what God has done in my life, what I could not do for myself. And NONE of this is my pride, what I'm writing you now...just the way it is. I believe that is why God keeps us blogging--to share with one another what marvelous changes He has brought about in our separate lives, changes we could never have accomplished alone.

Of course I make mistakes, talk out of turn, gossip a little, whisper to a neighbor during a meeting, whatever. I get by with some stuff because of age, and 'time' sober, and 'grinning'. God smiles at me, and I cooperate--daily--which gets me through almost each and every day in a safe, happy way. Nothing could make me happier at this moment however, than that something I wrote here might be of help to you.

And with that all said, I've got to get to a meeting--it's 5:10 AM here. I may use this as my blog tonight, but of course, I would delete your name from it.

Truly, I LOVE your work, your words, your pictures--as do SO many. Thank you for all that you do here and elsewhere!

In love and service,
Steve E.