"AM I AN ALCOHOLIC?"

I know this is an old tired picture, but
someone out there needs to see this.
Maybe me? Well, not today!
DD

ARE YOU ONE TOO?

I was asked this question by a blogger today, "Do you think I am an alcoholic?"

Well, it took me back, because I'm just not used to a point-blank question like that on line. First, how in the world could I ever decide who has our illness? Since the disease "Alcoholism" has very little to do with drinking--if anything, he who asks the question must not know the definition of an alcoholic.

Neither do I!

All I can really know about is my own insane living, thinking and behavior while I was seriously spending 25-plus years (drinking great daily volume) developing my disease. I became full of the following: fear, paranoia, guilt, remorse, lowest of esteem (well who needs ME?), selfishness--we call it "self centeredness"--hatred of God and man and woman, and all living things, complete denial, self aggrandizement, and a complete disregard for anything but my own concupiscence, my own instant satisfactions in all aspects of life, alone, or with others. NOTE: this is not a complete list.

I already can figure who will know what that word "concupiscence" means, and who probably will not. (That's how well we get to know one another in just a year's time). It's one of those dumb things I had to memorize in high school. It is real. And it was true.

So, back to the question: "Am I an alcoholic?" I absolutely LOVE our Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (from which our fellowship got it's name), and Chapter 4, p.44 "We Agnostics" has something on this topic. The first paragraph gives me a benchmark, so to speak, by which I may loosely determine if I AM or am NOT an alcoholic:

We Agnostics

"IN THE PRECEDING chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."

Of course, if I read that and start to analyze one word at a time, there just might be something wrong with me, i.e:

"Well they DID use the word 'probably', that lets ME off." "'Honestly' why would they put that in there, HONEST, who? Me? Are they joking?" "I quit 'ENTIRELY' almost every day, maybe two times a day...so why do they make a big deal out of 'entirely'?" "And 'little control'...OK, I ALWAYS control my drinking. I just always WANT to drink a lot!"

(And on and on we go, fooling ourselves.) Until down the line somewhere after three wives (husbands), a few jail or prison stints, some bloody happenings, the loss of a whole slew of friends, a DUI or 5 DUIs (Driving Under the Influence arrests) I finally at long last, after everything was lost, find that chaos reigned in my life. I finally admitted defeat, and showed up at the door of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And here I learned, and (thank God) keep on learning how to live, how to treat others with respect, how to stay sober and happy (or sad) at the same time, how to love, really LOVE, and how to talk to God, the One I understand. And how to CHANGE!

And "change" continues even to this very day. And I am here to tell you God's gifts just keep rolling in, and I'm hoping I can give some away--none of the Gifts are money, by the way! God doesn't usually deal in cash. His gifts are MUCH more valuable and long lasting. They consist in things like Peace...and Love.

Thank you for being here, Peeps!

I wish you and yours God's PEACE.
I wish you God's LOVE...and mine also.
Steve

THE ART OF SELFISHNESS

PLEASE COLOR ME HAPPY

Following sentences in blue color are taken from the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", pages 62-63. These are my all-time favorite pages, as they pinpoint my defects precisely as a Cyberknife seeks out the implanted seeds of gold. (Sorry, that's the best analogy I could recall.)

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."

This is SO me...hopefully, interred in the past. It is time these defects be cast aside, by the grace of God.

I am sick, and I keep trying to prove it. Of course, I'm glad to be here with "my own kind." --grin!

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help."

Yep. Mr Chaos. That was me. There is still an email address with my user name: TRBLMKR1... My prayer: God, please send Your Peace to those I may have hurt. Help me to do my part in any repair...or let it go! I am at peace. I am ready at any time to face the future, whatever is there. Your Will be done!

By the way, I am a VERY tolerant alcoholic--it's just that nobody has recognized that fact...yet --grin!

God cares for you and me...(Step 3, "Turn...over to the CARE of God...")

God loves you and me...(Tradition 2, "A LOVING God...")

And Steve loves you all, and wishes for you all--PEACE!