ME THE FEARLESS HERMIT

 SEA WONDERS by MEAGO

 

 

 

This story I posted on my other blog in August 2008

Here is Part IIof III 

STEVE THE "HERMIT"
STAR DATE 1966
PART TWO

Guess this could be called a DROG, my word for "DRunk-Log"


The BEETLES sang it best:

"Yesterday.......
...all my troubles seemed so far away,
...as I returned from comatose;
...and I began to breathe a-gain."

As I slept the sleep known only by the drugged, my tent was blowing around--and there I lay, fairly oblivious to nature's godlike powerful forces all about. I was awakened from this deep, deep drunken stupor--into which I had poured myself--by terribly frightening (to me) noises of growling, crying, and hissing sounds VERY close by. 

When my eyes began to focus, I saw this MONSTER, this horribly ugly head, about the size of a football, mouth wide open, snorting, snarling, and...and, what? of all things...CRYING! I was lying there on the tent floor, looking into the gaping mouth of a--seemingly--giant sea turtle, a real live nesting-straining-and-egg-laying Loggerhead!

Ten days later I was told that she likely did her nesting every YEAR on the very spot I had carefully (Ha!) chosen to erect (Ha!) my tent.. (Sorry for the "Ha's", they express better than ever I could what went on out there). 
So, I did what ANY normal, sane human would do in this scary situation--reach beside me for my bottle of Early Times 86 proof! What else? After a few swigs from my bottle, I might better deal with these events. The turtle kept on huffing and puffing, as if I was not there. Finally, she left, dragging her hefty body over the few feet of remaining sandy beach, to water's edge.

That turtle must have been thinking..."I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky...." --SEA FEVER, by John Masefield

Again safe, hurting bad (in real pain, bottoms of my feet shredded and bloody, infections beginning), weary mentally and physically--called 'bone tired'--I "made a decision" to put some calories into my body, and so I opened a couple beers, and chased down each swallow of the Golden Brew with my favorite 'wonder drug' of the moment, vodka.

Please note that my answer to ANY question, ANY situation, ANY happening, ANY prayer event...was to become annihilated with my drug, alcohol. It was my answer for anything and everything. Alcohol had become my GOD. Drinking had become my way of life, the only life I would know--for eight more years.

This ten-day period of my life needs ONE MORE Blog to complete.--it just became much too lengthy to finish today. Hope you will be back Thursday, for the finale! Its Title:  

MY DEPRESSION:

THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

and it's not too lengthy -grin-

Peeps:

Let's Be Nice to ALL today.
Lets BE HAPPY (or act happy) today.

Let's STAY SOBER today.
Love,
Forgive,
Spread PEACE...

HERMIT PART I

 

CHANGING MYSELF?

This story I posted on my other blog in June 2008

Here is Part I of III 


 STEVE THE "HERMIT" I
STAR DATE 1966

The year 1966 is one which lives in my memory, mainly for the events here described. I had come to Florida two years before, to 'be a hermit'. For my vacation during the summer of '66, I determined to get a taste of the hermitage. So, for my two weeks in the sun and fun, I chose to get myself planted on a small spit of an island south of Marco Island--the objective, to 'play hermit' for a week or so...I think it was ten days.

I rented a tent, and all the equipment which could fit on a small boat, and hired a fellow to float me down to this 'sugar loaf' spit of sand in the Gulf of Mexico. And of course, it goes without saying that I loaded onto that little runabout several cases of beer, one case (12 quart bottles) of my favorite (the cheapest) vodka of the day and six quarts of Bourbon (to compensate for my bland vodka dietary choice). Ice, two dozen cans of tuna, one dozen boiled eggs, heck I don't know what else, it didn't matter. Ants got to the food before me, since I mostly drank the first couple days.

As soon as this man dropped me, and helped to unload my gear (don't break the glass!), he sped away, maybe glad to be rid of me--with the promise that in ten days he'd return. Well, at last alone, I was ecstatic!

This was HEAVEN! I ran around like a crazed child, alone on his private playground. Me, the hermit! My dream of thirty years had come true, at least in "trial" form. I cavorted (yes, cavorted) in the water, bare-footed, and bare-ass'd. I really thought maybe the water there was contaminated, because it had a certain foreboding red color, all around me was this red-tinted water. THEN it happened that reality set in. I had been running around like a crazy child with no shoes, on an old oyster bed, and the "red" was my own blood. Yep, my (by now!) VERY sore feet bottoms were shredded. Looking at my feet bottoms I was shocked to see all the cuts, some rather deep--and the blood, MY blood all in the water and on the beige sand. 44 years later, thoughts of this night's events make me cringe.

Now I became concerned...no doctor, no medicine, no First Aid kit...so first-things-first, I took a huge pull from a vodka bottle, and knew that I was going to soon be wasting some of the precious liquid on my FEET. If whoever reading this is an alcoholic, they will immediately know what absolute TRAUMA it was for me to pour vodka, AND Early Times (forgot to mention the Whiskey!) onto my feet. Oh! How then I cried. Not for the burning or painful feet, but OH! the wasted booze, Oh! Woe is me!

So, for the next days (daze!) I walked about wearing a tee shirt wrapped around each foot, using a driftwood cane for support. I did not know God at that time very well, I mean He and I were at odds, at least I was.

But, again, to that first night. On the radio--about dusk--it was announced that a Tropical Depression had formed over Everglades City, about 10 miles from where I sat, painfully nursing myself with the only anesthesia I knew, in the darkness of a warm, June night. Well, that storm came thundering full blast at my island, the water kept rising, I'd check it every half hour, and moved my tent several times that night, walking on two bloody stubs. I stayed very drunk, but could not avoid the dangerous situation which was before me. There was nowhere to go, no hills, and the water kept rising. In a drunken stupor I fell fast asleep.

You'd think my 'First-Night' story might end here. Wrong! Since this blog has become waaay out of length-bounds for a simple daily log reading, the "rest of this story" will be on tomorrow's posting, that's Wednesday night. It's much more interesting than today's, so don't miss it. I promise a good story!


PEACE.
LOVE.
SOBER.
TODAY.

A POEM BY STEVE E

VISIONS 
    OF...



A little child
In the wild
Is how I feel
Unreal

And all the years
And all the fears
So bold
So old

Are now far away
Hopefully to stay
So to leave me
Just to BE...me

Try to help another one
Whose own mother's son
Went about
Skipped out

Help him who so lame
For since I am the same
We might each buffer
To rid what we suffer

This which still smarts
In our minds, our hearts
Remnants of past
Just can not last

So I sleep on sod and
Joined with my God
I pray--OH!
Blessings bestow

Restore me to the Peace and Serenity
Please! I so miss that Amenity
Which I have tossed away
Yes...lost and astray

Pretend as one, a little kid
Mid beasts, fauna, bugs I hid
Until, in this forest I met a maid
Unaware...unafraid


PEEPS!
Peace,
Love,
Clean and Sober,
TODAY!

Graphic "BOY AND THE GHOST" CLICK Black Lady 999

DO IT TODAY

BIG BLUE DEC 31, 2009

ADDENDUM:  There will be tonight (Sunday) at 8 PM an open chat (members, that is--easy to sign on, go HERE!) and tonight the topic will (maybe) be "The New Year: Resolutions, goals, thoughts, anything new happening, and possibly a bit of frivolity. Please join us, there's usually only a few. At THE SECOND ROAD (TSR)...this IS a recovery-related chat room! You WILL be made to feel welcome!

HONESTY

Meeting topic this morning: HONESTY! First guy to share said he thought he "was pretty honest". I guessed that meant he is pretty dishonest also, or maybe he just thought he was pretty--grin!

Our Big book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that I lied when even the truth would have sufficed. I immediately translated that to mean, "When the truth does not suffice...LIE!  And so I did. I continued to lie in many ways. If someone asked "How are you today?" I always answered, "FINE!" ...LIE! Nobody is in great spirits hour after hour, day after day (except me, of course --grin!).

Several of the steps (IF one works them!) are geared to the "cleaning up the wreckage of my past"...well, I've done that so much, I  now do that step more which is "clean up the wreckage of my PRESENT! because that is where all my problems occur today...that IS today! Now! 

(Room for more stuff)





__________________________________________________________________

FIVE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS
FOR THE YEAR 2010

Blogger Linda Socha (Click HERE) asked me earlier today to list my five most important words for 2010. Talk about "Say Wha'?"...I had to really ponder this one, for about thirty seconds...maybe fewer?  The FIVE words, for me:

GROWTH
CHANGE
ENTHUSIASM
LOVE
JOY

Linda is putting together a word collage--whatever that might be, of words important  to her friends in blogland. Thank you for including me in your survey, Linda!

Peeps, thank you ALL for being here, and those who comment (I LOVE you...),
and let us please stay sober today,
and be at Peace today
and LOVE today.

DANGER AHEAD--MAN THINKING

RAMBLIN' ROSE

Three of AA's Twelve Steps:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Is it Saturday already? I wish that the rest of this year flies by so well as the first day.

I am having a traumatic reaction to a life-changing event having to do with Steps Four, Eight, and Nine, those steps which I have always hated and still DO (hate?)!

Enough for me to say simply, Peeps, that steveroni is in pain--no joking here! But this too shall pass. How well I should know, that neither highs nor lows last too long in God's changing world--thank GOD--grin! And, thanks to AA's Twelve Steps, Sobriety, Peace, Serenity, and even Happiness can coexist midst Ups and Downs, even with a sprinkling of insanity and chaos stirred in.

Many years ago I completed Steps 4, 8 and 9...and I've been "completing" them ever since. There are some defects of my character which return year after year--trans: "day-after-day". There are also some which were not disclosed--by me TO me--in the past, and then new ones always are showing up to remind me I am SO human, NMW (No Matter What!).

It is my desire to ask God to help me with the changes in my life which must take place for my sanity, my peaceful way of life, yet preserve that enthusiasm and lust for life which I so thoroughly enjoy...which IS me.

Fortunately I have a sponsor who has stood by me through thick and thin, who "understands" me--because we are NOT different from one another. Seems like my best therapy can be realized with one who has suffered, and recovered, from the same maladies.

And, in spite of all I say and do, crazily or otherwise, I AM getting better. There is NO WAY, to get up for so many meetings, to work the steps, to meet and greet Peeps new and old, and not somehow get better.

As long as I keep in mind that "Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." And I do NOT want to go back to that living hell of active alcoholism. Ya know, sometimes I DO believe when I can stay sober for such a long time, I let it slip my mind, the deadliness of this disease. And it is just those OLD IDEAS which can open the flood gates onto the fields of sobriety, drowning any chance for staying sober with JOY, maybe for staying sober--PERIOD!

Well, it's about time for me to end this January 1st, the beginning of a year with promises galore for me, us, and YOU, all my special Peeps.

Love,

Peace,

JOY,

All for today, and today for ALL

A QUESTION...OR THE ANSWER?

THE ANSWER MY FRIEND

IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND

THE ANSWER IS

BLOWIN' IN THE WIND

Twelve is Five
Five is Ten
If I'm alive
Tell me when
I am behooved

Yes, behooved

To be moved
To make the call
Over the tall great wall
Of brick, trees,
Sand and seas
To the Most-Loved One
'Neath her loved Sun

By all reckoning
Isle is beckoning
Come to me.
Come with me.
Come and see.
Yes, come again
My love...Come!

So in quandary
I ready myself
Do the laundry
Empty the shelf
Pack the bag
See it sag
Travel away...forever

Up Love's Lane
(I am insane)
And you, too
A loose screw
Under mane
Of pretty hair
Up in the air

We will go
We will show
All how
All now
Toe to toe
We can together
Be one
In the other
One
Within
The other

PEEPS!

TODAY!

SOBRIETY!

PEACE!

LOVE!

OK?

windy_spirit_3_by_collien.jpg @ DeviantArt.com

CALLI...AND JESSICA J.

A GIFT--TWICE BLEST

A beautiful-in-so-many-ways Artist, poet, and "loved one" gifted me a month ago with a framed "Lady In RED" whom/which I had greatly admired, having watched her grow on Calli's blog from a few splotches of red paint, to the strikingly attractive RED. Along with that work, she sent a water-color of the farm scene above.

These hang right in front of me on wall behind my monitor. Prayer Girl surprised me with the farm scene all prettily framed, as a Christmas present. Hence, the title of this short blog A GIFT IS TWICE BLEST...And to visit Calli--careful, she IS pretty--go HERE ... ALSO do yourself a B I G favor by going to THIS place as well.

When a blogger friend (we've never met) sends me a painting, I declare that we DO have a connection in fact. Because a piece of Calli is right here with me as I write. Just how wonderful IS this Internet???

ANOTHER TOPIC:

And while this blog is sort of  "in-between", ya might say...I have "run into" a blogger who is quite worthy of your perusal. PLEASE all youse guys, visit and welcome Jessica at THIS PLACE. I believe she is new to us Peeps, and for me, anyway, she is now a fully registered PEEP!

And....PEEPS!

SOBER today with me, right?

HAPPY today, with me, right?

LOVE today--also with me, OK?

LOVE IS LOVE

LOVE IS LOVE

by CHAOOSS

QUESTION:

"Have you loved anyone this much

--ever before now?

ANSWER:

"One cannot have lived all these years
And not loved
Oft-intensely so
Unless he be
A tree.

And who is to say
The weeping willow
Has never loved
Or that she does not weep?"

Tears are frequently
Not for the absent loved one
Rather the wet product of
Lost face
Damaged Pride
Crushed Ego.

I cry maybe not for you
But for the loss of you
The loss of comfort,
Of understanding love,
Of Kindness
Of a perceived Oneness

The emptiness I suffer
Must in itself be
Of temporal nature
It is steeped
In thought
In expression
In desire
In feeling.
It is steeped also
In SELFISHNESS!

But
What
If my tears are of more substance?
Suppose my weeping is a token
Of my...OH!...such a broken
Pile of pieces of my heart

Thought I was so smart
As any two men
But only human
Is shown to be
That bone, flesh, mind and heart
Which is me.

So once again God, I turn to You.
You, in Whom I see all as true
Please send your help to find me
Find myself

In all things my real Quest is being
One with my heavenly King.
One day
Not simply a guest,
But full fledged--
One of the best

And the love I had thought lost
Was never ever missing
From my heart or yours.
Hearts forever kissing
Being, Beating, Loving...

Good night, my Love.
Sleep the sleep of the
Well-loved
Above

--Steve E

RAMBLINGS THE DAY AFTER.....

What an AA meeting would look like 

if nobody showed up

Christmas Day (yesterday) I had posted my own thoughts regarding religion, my church, and some such stuff. I expected one or two Peeps to comment "Separate your religion from your AA Program, etc." Nobody did that. In fact, the loyal ones who read AND (ahem!) comment were--surprising to me--very supportive and tolerant of another's (my) belief.

Dulce, SHADOW, Hope, Secretia, Kim, Pat, Christina, Selchie, BE REAL, Jessie, Ed G, Carol, Sylvia, Chris and Angeles, Adrinna, wrote such great, supportive, intuitive and thoughtful words, that I wanted to shout for them today. Thank you SO much, Peeps--yours are definitely some of my favorite places to visit. (Hope I didn't miss anyone--if so, well...sorrrry!)

This day after Christmas, December 26, is the feast of St Stephen, a Greek Martyr (the first known and listed Martyr of the Christian church. He was stoned to death. My father was born this day, and named...Stephen, which became also my own name,
a.k.a., JUNIOR! (God! I hated that name, Junior.) My sister was called "Sissy"...she hated that one also, but I'm glad nobody ever EVAH called ME "Sissy".

TODAY'S POST however is an observation of some sayings at this morning's AA meeting, as so much of this applied to the way I lived my life:

"I needed and used lots of shoe boxes, bought lots of shoes, until I found that stores would supply me boxes without my purchasing shoes. I would use two, one for July, one for August, for all my unread mail--then two more, for September and October. All my greatest fears lived in shoe boxes;  bills for Power, telephone, IRS stuff, mortgage letters, credit card statements, etc., etc. Now my garage is full of empty shoe boxes, and I am sober."

"I used to change my goals to match my actions. Now, I change my behavior to meet my goals."

"I told my sponsor I had feelings of 'pending doom', and asked him what is that? He answered me, It IS Doom!  ...That's when I knew it was time to get real, to stop being foolish about life, lives, and love."

Peeps, there was one fellow sitting yesterday in the corner, looked like he was pondering the writings on some papers. When asked if he wanted to "share" (I still hate that SO-liberal word), he did:

"I was just going through my records...my jail time, and my State Prison records and my Federal prison sentence...and thinking how different life is this Christmas!"

Peeps, where in the world do you find someone at an AA meeting on Christmas morning at 7 AM, looking up his "Court Record"...and sober he IS!

Last one for this post, said by a young female school teacher:  "I've been drunk and in jail.  I've been sober. Sober is better!"

Enough for my thoughts this afternoon.  Peeps, let's "do" sober another day--today. And let us find peace in our lives...and let us LOVE one another all over the world.
 
In such, much Gratitude,
Steve E

CHRISTMAS DAY

This Christmas morning I get to repeat last night's "Holy Night", sharing another meal with a couple thousand Catholics. Later, I am just SO honored to share a meal with several hundred of my closest friends--alcoholics in recovery. We meet, eat, tell one another the most outlandish stories of our "drinking careers" and then laugh about it all, in true love and fellowship. Happiness for this alcoholic is made of days like this....


In the thirties and forties I was raised on a farm. Raised to be nice, to say "Please" and "Thank you". I was taught to respect animals; we bred, birthed, fed and watered lots of them. 

I was also raised a catholic. And I'm back!

My beliefs are mine alone, tend to be more spiritual than religious, though the two words (worlds?) spiritual and religious do join one another or collide, however it happens. Aside from belief, I totally cringe, and want to crawl under the table, when a speaker says, "I'm a recovering alcoholic, and a recovering catholic," as if Catholicism is a disease.

It is impossible for me to begin to count the times I've heard, "I'm a recovering alcoholic, and a recovering Baptist."  Because in many years of meetings, I have never EVER heard that said. So I cannot count "nothing". Well, you must realize this is all leading up to something, yes?

It IS Christmas Eve. I just returned home from the most beautiful service dedicated to God "as I understood Him" in a Catholic Church. I was allowed to use my gift in adoration, playing obbligatos in the "Mass of Creation"...and some other things.

The priests sang the complete Acclamations including the Consecration--the most beautiful spiritual experience (in memory) I've ever witnessed.. And the incense, that wonderful odor, of smoke which rises to heaven carrying the prayers of a standing-room-only church full of worshipers--Oh! how I love that!

I must say, I am overwhelmed again at being sober for Christmas, it is like a Benchmark, as the memories of Christmases before sobriety are of nothing but debauchery and chaos. Oh Happy Day! Oh Happy Steve! Oh...peace, and love, to all you blogger-Peeps. Always! Be full of Joy, and be blest.