DRINKING ALCOHOL TAUGHT ME HOW TO FLY
THEN IT TOOK AWAY THE SKY

Monday, April 12, 2010

REALLY REALIZE REALITY

REALIZATIONS

REAL-EYE-ZATION

Step 1.  I had to see the truth, face it, accept it, admit it deep down, concede to my innermost self the utter powerlessness of this affliction. OK, I surrender--I give up!
WHERE DID IT GO?

A couple years ago I had a semblance of humbleness in my interactions with others. Sure it was not without any pride, but in general I did not seek admiration, praise, and love from all and everyone...all the time.

Today it was made known to me by a blogger that this huge monstrosity, my Ego, was rearing it's head, roaring its way out the barn door, and had jumped over the fence. False Pride has again settled in, and has sought and found comfort--in my mind and my soul.

Blogger "friends" had implied this in recent months in too-subtle ways. When pride is running my show, subtlety cannot breach the well-built, self-built wall. So for moon after moon after moon, I ignored, denied the signs which were pointing to my slowly-lacking slacking AA program.

How could I guess that I would actively participate in two to four meetings every day, and not become a saint?  ("We are not saints." BB, p 60)

I am just sick and tired of unwittingly pushing my own thoughts, beliefs, behaviors and understandings onto others--at home, at AA meetings, on this blog-world, even in church-- in arrogant, prideful, overbearing ways which are and have been offensive to more than a few Peeps.

Hey Peeps...Of COURSE I have not been drinking...just appraising my life--it IS time to do that.  NOW--grin! I have come to a conclusion, that I must help others, and in doing so, benefit, guess who? ME! There is that "ego" thing again.  I am NOT trying to flagellate myself...in fact I am not even hurting. The opposite is true, I am still happy, joyful...and free, to the extent I decide.

In close, I wish to say, I have been thinking (dangerous word!) about sin; the act itself, motivation, consequences, causes.  These thoughts have brought me to another conclusion, that my greatest unforgiven sin is that of WASTED TIME.  Oh!  All these years, to think of being so engrossed in self, that God and the Will of God took a back seat. And wasted time, is like an empty hotel room--ya NEVER gain it back, the time, nor the room rent, both are lost forever

If this blog sounded like "preaching" so be it. That was not my intension. And I wish to again address ALL you bloggers, many of whom are my friends. There is a special love for you in my heart, which will never leave! May God bless you all.
 

This almost sounds like a farewell thingie! Well, ya never know!

Maybe I'll try an act of humility--today.
Love.
Peace.
Sober another day!





27 comments:

Ginny said...

Hmmm. I posted about living in reality today too. It's good to check in with ourselves every now and then. Sometimes life get's so hectic that I forget to do that. Glad to see you don't. All my love Mr. Steveroni.

Steve E said...

Ginny, I have missed you, and happy now to see you well and ALIVE!
Blessings...

Sh@KiR@ CK said...

On the road to recovery,
do give yourself a break,
you have the right to be
happy and positive,
proud yet humbled,
and most of all,
whatever we say in our posts,
without OUR VOICE,
it can be distorted.
Be fair and wiser to yourself
for YOU matter MOST!
You are using this blog as a PLATFORM to RECOVERY,
hence do not ever forget your
TRUEST GOAL as this blog is the mean to all your other dreams.
ALL YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD REJOICE
and NOT CONDEMN.
STAY JUST THE WAY YOU ARE,
WHERE YOU ARE THE MOST AT EASE.
I do not know you well
but I do care!
hugs with love,
shakira

Heather's Mom said...

My sponsor told me it's none of my business what other people think of me, and that has been very freeing for me.
I think there's a fine line between ego and you really ARE helping people. Sometimes it is what it is, you are helping others. Only you know what you are feeling inside though.
On your last post, that kind of love is amazing, patient and true. I really enjoyed that post.
God bless.

Steve E said...

Shakira

Friends like you are NOT dime-a dozen
--they are PRICELESS! Thanks.

Heather's Mom

I love to hear people say they have a sponsor, and USE her/him. It means you are on the recovery road.

Sometimes with potholes, Recovery Road always ends up in a better place.

Findon said...

Time is ceratinly marching on Steve. I decided that I was not going to stand on the sidelines and watch the world go by anymore. Trouble is now I am doing so many things, some non AA that I do not know whcih to focus on. Balance......balance, I hear the cry>>>Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Andrew said...

To me that is the greatest thing about recovery. The ability to take a look at ourselves and make the changes needed.

God Bless Steve.

Kim A. said...

I am careful about who I trust to guide me and counsel me. I have found that even the best Alanoners come with their own character defects that can rear their heads. I hope you use the people in your life who you trust. I think you are pretty damn okay!

♥namaste♥

Nevine said...

Time is a relative thing, Steve, as the great Einstein said. How we choose to spend our time makes sense to us because it comes from inside us, from our needs at that moment. If I end up feeling bad about time I've "wasted" doing something I thought was the right thing to do back at that moment, I need to push that thought aside. My time went into my activity because I wanted it there, and so it was. A life filled with regrets is a life wasted... yes, that's a royal waste of time... thinking about what I could've done or could've saved. And hey, this is your blog. You can preach till your ears are blue, if that's what you want.

Nevine

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

We are a constantly growing and changing work of art. Living examples of God's perfect nature when we view the larger tapestry and us as only one piece!

YAY GOD!

izzy said...

Landed on your blog and identified right away! being 'right sized'
every day -not allowing ego to bloom
into false pride! I have been ' self aware' lately- do not like that...
time to do some step work on it-
love the analogy of racing out of the barn. sometimes my ego turns into a bucking bronco and kicks holes in the walls...And as I am spy
ing on myself- "pushing my beliefs"
onto one particular sponsee- in the name of ' motivation'... Hmmm,
time to pray on that too! Thanks.

Shadow said...

i love you, steve, just the way you are...

Steve E said...

SHADOW: Your comment here really touched me--simple, supportive, consoling, serene, spiritual. Thank you on a day when that is SO welcome.

IZZY: Being right-sized every day, yep, good idea...also to be right-side-up...another goal! Thanks for your words. This IS a rough day for me.

JESS: Yous are surely God's Cheerleader on these blogs. I am also--usually--but today I lick my wounds (self-inflicted, BTW!) Back to cheerleading tomorrow...but not here.

NEVINE: You are a lovable blogger. But most of all, I admire your WISDOM. That, my girl, is a gift from your Higher Power (I believe).

You are another who I shall never forget--joining with others who've commented here. Thank you SO much!

KIM A: You are joined with others today, whose comments just contain SO much wisdom. Why is this happening? Guess, because I need it--TODAY! Thank you a lot!!!

ANDREW: You make it all sound easy
--of course, it IS simple! But easy? I'd sure enjoy to see you again, and spend some time. I know you so much better now, than when we churched and breakfasted togather last year. And I sure like what I know--grin! PEACE, brother...

FINDON: What was that strange word again? Balance? BALANCE? Could you translate that for me, as
I am certain everyone ELSE knows all about it--grin!

chitowngreg said...

I think that sometimes our egos can absolutely run ramant. After all, we're in these programs for a reason. Having said, we're also often our own worst critics and can fall into the trap of comparing our insides to other people's outsides. On a normal day, I'm probably neither as good or bad as I think I may be. Gotta cut ourselves a little slack sometimes. Please know that you do a lot of good every time you publish a new post! Thanks!!

Syd said...

Steve, I think that only you and God know when you are being honest. It is not for me or anyone else to judge you. Self examination is the most honest and the one place where I can't fool myself. I may try to hide and disguise but ultimately I know the answer about my own shortcomings. Introspection and cleaning house is a great thing if we are honest.

drybottomgirl said...

Steve,
I guess I'm just a sucker for a violin player, but I did not see arrogance and ego in your blogs. What I do see is your joy, your enthusiasm, your zest to be of service to your fellow peeps. AA can't remove all of our egos. Like everything else they are God given. But it's how our egos serve us that is important. I value our blog friendship and any insight or comment that you have given and want to give in the future! Blessings.....

Zanejabbers said...

Hey Grineroni. You and I are so much alike (first time I typed it it came out alkie), and yet quite different. Just a couple of ole Farts, making it through our day,sometimes oh so self important and other days realizing just how insignificant we really are. Yeh, I like your fourth line from the bottom - Maybe I'll try an act of humility--today.

Dulce said...

Hey hun! :)
I realize...or rather, notice a sense of sadness here?
That word 'WASTE' tells me so...

i hope am wrong-

Take care Steveroni
xoxoxo

Eli said...

Hey Steve- Yes, there are people out there who allow their level of experience to bolster their egos. I've met them - the know-it-all's. But the difference between them and you is that they're not asking the questions that you are here. They feel entitled, while you're openly asking your friends for a reality check. I think that's a pretty big difference.

Secretia said...

I don't know you, but I'll defend you, Steve. You're not a time waster, maybe you were in the drinking days, but not now. You are an angel on this earth and we both know it.

Secretia

Carol said...

I could certainly be wrong but I think that you are too hard on yourself.

Manon Doyle said...

I know we should all examine ourselves once in a while but I say .... *dude.... just be yourself*! I heart u just the way u are!!

Steve E said...

MANON DOYLE: You should be named Manon Dulce Doyle, you are so sweet--
and talented--and giving of yourself.

CAROL: I'd rather think it likely that I have so wonderful a life in sobriety, living, loving--I just always want MORE! You are too nice in your comments, Thanks!

SECRETIA: It is a real honor to be called an angel--by a real angel!

ELI: Honestly, I love the comments of friends here, all so supportive. But in a reality check, I'd expect maybe a bit of criticism thrown in??? But thanks for your views. The only me you really know is that one I let you know, right? I hope lots of good things for you, friend!

Dulce, this is the first time anyone said to me, "Hey, Hun!" That is so cute.

Did you know, each time I open our freezer, I see your name, in fact I am eating some right this moment: Dulce de Leche...
Take Care, Dulce Poet

ZANE: I tried an act og humility tonight--ya know, it's not easy, especially if I cannot TELL anyone about how great I was--grin! I'd sure like to meet you before I die...do we drive through Houston to get to San Antonio?

DRYBOTTOMGIRL: Again, the WISDOM inparted by peeps like yourself amazes me. It is awesome to be cyberly acquainted with you. God IS good. Really GOOD!

SYD: Now YOU are real! And all I must do is be ME...not someone else. No longer need to hide in a bottle--thank god! I love that girl's blog title "Just Be Real" (JBR)...a noble goal.

CHITOWNGREG: Your
own blog today
was very well written with a bent on discussion of Humility and pride. Bravo! you really gave this topic some thought--I only expressed a few "feelings"

Scott said...

my ego is so subtle and tricky lol thank you for reminding me :-)

Kristin H. said...

::sigh::

Steve, please stop teasing us about leaving. You are needed around here.

Glad to see you are doing well.

Steve E said...

Dearest Kristin.
Gosh, I don't know what to say, girl...so I won't say it!

SCOTT: Any time I can be of service--grinnnn!

NOW I am disabling "comments"...

Bon Voyage!!!

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