DRINKING ALCOHOL TAUGHT ME HOW TO FLY
THEN IT TOOK AWAY THE SKY

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Really not making fun--just found this
suitable for the blog

VENTING AND RANTING AND RAVING
WARNING--A BLONG (LONG BLOG) FOLLOWS


Ya know, I don't much care for 'ranting', raving, OR 'venting', because my whole remembered life before Alcoholics Anonymous was ONE BIG RANTING,RAVING, VENTING, DRUNK. So, I've designated one day a year, December 11, as my own special RANT-AND-VENT-DAY.


STEVERONI'S 10 (OR FEWER) RANTS

1. At the end of a meeting we say the Lord's Prayer. That's OK, people can 'do it' or not. However, my rant is with one who precedes it with e.g., "Let us pray for the poor suffering alcoholic, the soldiers in the field, the children of alcoholics, the PETS in alcoholic homes", and/or "I've been told that when we join hands, etc., etc." (Ugh!)"...and on and on, you get the picture?

2. It's becoming a habit, that at the end of some meetings--right after distribution of the chips, someone shouts, "If you haven't had a drink today, give yourself a hand!" Wait! WHAT? What in the world am I hearing? Pat my SELF on the back, because I did NOT do something (drink?). I try not to pat myself on the back, even when occasionally (rarely?) I DO...do something right!

So some have changed the words to: "If you haven't..........., then give your Higher Power a hand!" Ya mean I'm being asked to applaud God? Does He need that? I believe He needs me to carry the message, human-to-human, and to show by my example (if I have one) how to forgive, how to live, how to pray, how to love, among other things, maybe. EDIT: Maybe, yes, maybe some day I WILL learn these things, before it's too late--I feel today like I'm Scrooge in the story. If ya get down to #4 you'll see why!

BTW, my sponsor--kind of a rough guy with a heart of gold, the kind of sponsor THIS errant alkie needs--anyway, my sponsor chaired one of the meetings this morning. At the end, after chips have been distributed, HE said, "IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK TODAY....DON'T!! How ABOUT that?

3. One of my rants is bloggers (who ARE allowed to, and DO have free will, I'll admit) who read a blog (well, MINE, e.g.!) for several months, then suddenly STOP. Could they at least offer me a reason? Maybe they were offended in some manner (Boy I'm good at THAT!) in which case I'm sure of being a greatly misunderstood writer, thinker, communicator on occasion. But I would think something could be worked out. Of course, it's not 'all about ME!' at least that's what I've learned here in AA AND on the blogs-- I must say, I'm trying to learn.

The other (on this topic, is the blogger who reads a blog (OK--moine!) almost every day, and NEVER leaves a comment, like "Hello, "F" you, or "You must be drinking"...NO, not that!...or SOME THING? This would be a blogger who DOES comment on many others' daily postings.

I must agree though, that "Whatever floats yer boat" is sort of my own blogging rule, and THANK GOD I have a sponsor today. After you read #4, you may understand WHY.....

4. My final (for this year) rant, rave, and vent IS...ready for this? It is a FATHER who got sober many years ago. This father was one who DID pat himself on the back for not drinking. This father was brain-numbed for SO many years after stopping, and he DID try his best--in AA--to "work it". Father became one of those 'game-players' we see all the time in Alcoholics Anonymous. He set up defensive machinery to keep him from exposure to reality. He used double-meaning-type words and phrases, he hid behind comedic acting--I see him on almost every page, between xiii and 164 in our beautiful Big Book. The man of whom I speak, often says to himself, and others, "It's not 'all about ME!'"...while secretly, yet even now, unknowingly, displays to the world that, "It IS 'all about me!' And don't you forget it!"

This father spends much time volunteering at church, goes to between 18-25 AA meetings a week, is retired but works jobs which require lots of time, spends between four-six (or more?) hours each day and night, blogging, commenting, reading: all IMPORTANT stuff. Right?

Yeah, RIGHT! Read on. This is a father who has told his family, if they wish to communicate with him, read his blog. (How so full of humility is THAT?) He has not really talked to his grown daughter for over six months. He has not really had a serious, REALLY serious talk with his daughter for years--if EVER? And his son, who lives less than a mile from the father's home, has not had any REALLY substantive communication with the father since the son was three years old.

I LOVE YOU just does not always mean, "I do love you, I will be there when you are hurting, when you are sad. I want to see you--often! I want to know who are your friends. I want to know, "Do you HAVE any friends?" I don't care how we DO that, but it must be done."

I LOVE YOU does not always mean, "I want to share my LIFE with you, I want to BE with you, I respect and love the GOD within you (for that's where I believe God IS!).

I LOVE YOU does not always mean, "I am SO, so VERY SORRY! I have been NOT a father. I have denied you, my children--and you, my wife--the time, the sharing, the 'being with'...the KNOWING, and the real and TRUE LOVING, which you all needed and deserved for SO long a time. What has happened to me? I just do not know".


As you must know by now....this father is me, steveroni. This blog is to let you all know that steveroni is not the person he thought he was. In all fairness to myself, I must tell you that I had NO CLUE that #4 was in the wings, waiting to be brought out of the depths, until AFTER the first THREE had been written. I had entertained the thought to DELETE the first three, because they are somewhat meaningless in company with #4...but what the hell, let 'em be.

Right now I feel vulnerable, unsafe, tired, and I'm having spasms of guilt and shame. And yet, I AM happy, glad to be still alive, ready to deal with life on life's terms. I am still sober since March 18, 1974. to all you, my blogger friends, please know I did not lie to you at any time...I just did not KNOW any better. It is not necessary to ME that you comment on this blog, because I do not need validation here, (a little support though, maybe?)

NOTE! I cannot SEE any more through my tears--of sadness, of joy. Hope you understand that, also!


Peace. I love you all, yesss, I really do, especially now.

steveroni

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

well said....my Friend

big Jenn said...

Oh Steve. That's the best post you've written since I've been blogging. This is a good place to let it all out too. So what are you going to do about it,is what I'd like to know? I know I'm not brave enough to cross the chasm of hurt that I have with my sister right now, but I want to.Just asking, and loving a fellow human being. jeNN-girl

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I can't control how others feel about me but I sure can take action when I'm given clarity. And I pray that the Power comes and helps me along. I'm starting to understand the amend process a lot better now that I've been experiencing the Principle

I don't know if I could have taken action before, I mean I know as an alcoholic, that I have a great deal of wreckage in my past..I'm aware of it now, but it's the awareness that allows me to take action.

As my sponsor said, I can only do what comes to mind (I spent a great deal of time saying, "I'm so stupid!" early on, and he would say.. "you aren't stupid when you didn't do something or forget, just say... 'it just didn't come to mind' and then I know what we need to work on."

If it doesn't come to mind now, I know I didn't have the Power. I hate not having the Power so I'll beat myself up over it. (funny how we are either the best or worst isn't it?)

Now I know where to get the Power.

I blogged a couple of days ago about that principle, the principle that God's power move in action, and then,therefore, in interaction. I guess that's why the 12th step is so important.

It's the final step in the connection (my sponsor explained it like a dance with God). If I am following the 12th step, the one that says carry this message to other alcoholics (meetings/intensive work with other alcoholics) and practice these principles in all my affairs (family, jobs, community) it means God's Power will only travel where I'm acting and interacting. That the Love doesn't travel if I'm not in-the-action (it travels through others then).

Now I know why so many of the "old-timers" and "Big Book Thumpers" say "I'm in the action business not the results business."

Results are for the Principle, action is for the actors.

You're intensive work in blogs has brought you to me, and I am truly blessed. Had you not been so involved, I may never have met you. So, I'm not ready to concede that God wasn't pushing you to perform good things even if you have been obsessive about blogging!

The Power has moved, you're moving too! I see the dance... I see him taking the first step out and you taking the next person's hand and leading the dance too. He shows you how to love the next person and you tap them on the shoulder and say, "May I please cut in?" Just stay in the waltz, the 4th dimension is here too... in the dance... timing is everything.

Thanks for being here for me when I needed you!!! I'm so blessed to have met you and Prayer Girl!!!

You are both God sent and I do thank God each day for you!!!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Oh, and some music for you...(hope it makes you smile!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GabHGlGm14&eurl=http://johnandkittyadventures.blogspot.com/

♥Shann♥ said...

hey steve-roni, wow sounds like you and me are on the same awakening. be kind to yourself during this transition.
((((((HUGS)))))))

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Steveoroni,
I am in tears reading this blong...first I was grinning as I understand some of the first three very well and just like to say the prayer just me.

By four I was in tears, and I cannot thank you enough for the love, the support, the experience and the amazing strength and hope you've given me.
Sometimes I have found that in blogging things come up that I am not aware of until my fingers move on the keyboard, as if they are there, but my body had to bring them forward.

What I know today is that you are amazing and although I've never met you and seen you eye to eye, i just know youre amazing...I also know that I am so grateful you're here on the blogosphere.

Much love
G

J-Online said...

Well I'm glad you got it all out and hopefully feel better. I can relate to some of your rant! Take care. Jen

Cat said...

You make me see & understand that we are all ok in this our human condition. Perhaps I can borrow some of those touching words about ' I love you', to write my own estranged family. You my friend are brave and wise and I just really like you so much. My guess is your daughter doesvas well, there is still time. (hugs) cat

Hope said...

Awareness is a gift and a responsibility. Depending on the day that either sucks or is a blessing and sometimes both.

I bet you give the best bear hugs. I hope you can give yourself one (figuratively)...self compassion my dear friend, self compassion.

Your post made me tear up. That realization that "damn, I'm not who I thought I was" is such a blow to the ego. However, who you are is enough. Right now. As is. Deeply loved by God. And by your fellow alkies who walk with you. Right now. As is.
Peace to you tonight.

Mary LA said...

Ah yes, these sudden little insights that sneak up on us!

Love you Steve.

Are you serious about people applauding themselves in public for not having had a drink? And they can do it with a straight face?

Mary

I don't comment on blogs nearly as much as I'd like to because I don't have time. Simple as that

cara alice said...

Being honest is one of the most courageous things you can do, i applaud you for it. And yes, I relate to some of the stuff you find annoying at meetings...haha and certain people there just drive me nuts!!

I love that you have been leaving comments and supporting me, it really does feel validating when someone does that. You crack me up too!!

Findon said...

Wow. Don't get me started with whats wrong in meetings and then let me go on to whats wrong with me.... there is not enough room in blogsphere to write ALL that!!!

Great post Steve. Full of humour and humility. Two attributes we all need in our lives. You seem to be just like me, although a little older, it has to be said. Welcome to MY world and keep posting so that I can keep commenting. You referred me to other people. Thank uoi for that. It was an act of great kindness. Go easy on yer self.

Shadow said...

we are all human. no one is perfect. honesty is freeing. be free! no matter what you say, i believe you have a great heart and spirit.

richierich said...

Hey Steve.
First time on your blog...and liking it already. I will try too comment when I come by. I just started less then a year ago....recovery and blogging. See you soon
Richie

Linda S. Socha said...

Well Said Steve... and hard to say and I hear you.....Thanks for being my new friend. I appreciate this post on so many levels....I think I may pretend it was from my father who died before he got to say it but I KNOW he would have
Linda

Atiyanna said...

I have tears in my eyes my friend...thank you..thank you so much for your honesty. I do not love you any less. **hugs**
~A

kel said...

wow

vicariousrising said...

Steveroni, I'm so proud of you.

mile191 said...

steveroni, thank you for doing this honest post. i needed to read your rant tonight, because i am having my own. i understand alot of what you said. and it feels so frustrating. i with that in a moment you could feel the peace that i am praying for you to have. and know that you are not alone in your feelings. i too hate blog browsers. at least say hello. hey, just happend on your blog. i like this, it was fun to see. not a follower, but i was here kind of thing. my family NEVER leaves comments on my family blog. they read, but they do not EVER comment, and it hurts, i just feels like they are mean. okay. i need sleep, but enjoyed reading your post tonight. sorry i have missed a few. i will catch up. take care of YOU and prayer girl. love ♥ HOPE

Heather said...

This is why I keep coming back. Honesty, raw honesty. I would be one of those that's guilty of not commenting as often as I probably should....I struggle so with isolation. It is what it is. Thank you for an awesome share, Steve-O.

Zanejabbers said...

Steveroni, what a post. #4 really got to me. As I read and read how personal this was I realized it was you before you said so. I hope you take the time to hug your children now. That is so important for them and YOU. Trudge on, my friend.

Kathy Lynne said...

oh! you're human after all...now what do you do with it?

Syd said...

Steve, I see all kinds of things in meetings. There are some that I like better than others, but I try to keep an open mind. And like the program says, I take what I like and leave the rest. As far as blogging, it's just a way to write down thoughts and isn't done by me to change anyone. But what I read does help me. Just as this post of yours has helped me. Thanks for all that you write.