suitable for the blog
VENTING AND RANTING AND RAVING
WARNING--A BLONG (LONG BLOG) FOLLOWS
Ya know, I don't much care for 'ranting', raving, OR 'venting', because my whole remembered life before Alcoholics Anonymous was ONE BIG RANTING,RAVING, VENTING, DRUNK. So, I've designated one day a year, December 11, as my own special RANT-AND-VENT-DAY.
STEVERONI'S 10 (OR FEWER) RANTS
1. At the end of a meeting we say the Lord's Prayer. That's OK, people can 'do it' or not. However, my rant is with one who precedes it with e.g., "Let us pray for the poor suffering alcoholic, the soldiers in the field, the children of alcoholics, the PETS in alcoholic homes", and/or "I've been told that when we join hands, etc., etc." (Ugh!)"...and on and on, you get the picture?
2. It's becoming a habit, that at the end of some meetings--right after distribution of the chips, someone shouts, "If you haven't had a drink today, give yourself a hand!" Wait! WHAT? What in the world am I hearing? Pat my SELF on the back, because I did NOT do something (drink?). I try not to pat myself on the back, even when occasionally (rarely?) I DO...do something right!
So some have changed the words to: "If you haven't..........., then give your Higher Power a hand!" Ya mean I'm being asked to applaud God? Does He need that? I believe He needs me to carry the message, human-to-human, and to show by my example (if I have one) how to forgive, how to live, how to pray, how to love, among other things, maybe. EDIT: Maybe, yes, maybe some day I WILL learn these things, before it's too late--I feel today like I'm Scrooge in the story. If ya get down to #4 you'll see why!
BTW, my sponsor--kind of a rough guy with a heart of gold, the kind of sponsor THIS errant alkie needs--anyway, my sponsor chaired one of the meetings this morning. At the end, after chips have been distributed, HE said, "IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK TODAY....DON'T!! How ABOUT that?
3. One of my rants is bloggers (who ARE allowed to, and DO have free will, I'll admit) who read a blog (well, MINE, e.g.!) for several months, then suddenly STOP. Could they at least offer me a reason? Maybe they were offended in some manner (Boy I'm good at THAT!) in which case I'm sure of being a greatly misunderstood writer, thinker, communicator on occasion. But I would think something could be worked out. Of course, it's not 'all about ME!' at least that's what I've learned here in AA AND on the blogs-- I must say, I'm trying to learn.
The other (on this topic, is the blogger who reads a blog (OK--moine!) almost every day, and NEVER leaves a comment, like "Hello, "F" you, or "You must be drinking"...NO, not that!...or SOME THING? This would be a blogger who DOES comment on many others' daily postings.
I must agree though, that "Whatever floats yer boat" is sort of my own blogging rule, and THANK GOD I have a sponsor today. After you read #4, you may understand WHY.....
4. My final (for this year) rant, rave, and vent IS...ready for this? It is a FATHER who got sober many years ago. This father was one who DID pat himself on the back for not drinking. This father was brain-numbed for SO many years after stopping, and he DID try his best--in AA--to "work it". Father became one of those 'game-players' we see all the time in Alcoholics Anonymous. He set up defensive machinery to keep him from exposure to reality. He used double-meaning-type words and phrases, he hid behind comedic acting--I see him on almost every page, between xiii and 164 in our beautiful Big Book. The man of whom I speak, often says to himself, and others, "It's not 'all about ME!'"...while secretly, yet even now, unknowingly, displays to the world that, "It IS 'all about me!' And don't you forget it!"
This father spends much time volunteering at church, goes to between 18-25 AA meetings a week, is retired but works jobs which require lots of time, spends between four-six (or more?) hours each day and night, blogging, commenting, reading: all IMPORTANT stuff. Right?
Yeah, RIGHT! Read on. This is a father who has told his family, if they wish to communicate with him, read his blog. (How so full of humility is THAT?) He has not really talked to his grown daughter for over six months. He has not really had a serious, REALLY serious talk with his daughter for years--if EVER? And his son, who lives less than a mile from the father's home, has not had any REALLY substantive communication with the father since the son was three years old.
I LOVE YOU just does not always mean, "I do love you, I will be there when you are hurting, when you are sad. I want to see you--often! I want to know who are your friends. I want to know, "Do you HAVE any friends?" I don't care how we DO that, but it must be done."
I LOVE YOU does not always mean, "I want to share my LIFE with you, I want to BE with you, I respect and love the GOD within you (for that's where I believe God IS!).
I LOVE YOU does not always mean, "I am SO, so VERY SORRY! I have been NOT a father. I have denied you, my children--and you, my wife--the time, the sharing, the 'being with'...the KNOWING, and the real and TRUE LOVING, which you all needed and deserved for SO long a time. What has happened to me? I just do not know".
As you must know by now....this father is me, steveroni. This blog is to let you all know that steveroni is not the person he thought he was. In all fairness to myself, I must tell you that I had NO CLUE that #4 was in the wings, waiting to be brought out of the depths, until AFTER the first THREE had been written. I had entertained the thought to DELETE the first three, because they are somewhat meaningless in company with #4...but what the hell, let 'em be.
Right now I feel vulnerable, unsafe, tired, and I'm having spasms of guilt and shame. And yet, I AM happy, glad to be still alive, ready to deal with life on life's terms. I am still sober since March 18, 1974. to all you, my blogger friends, please know I did not lie to you at any time...I just did not KNOW any better. It is not necessary to ME that you comment on this blog, because I do not need validation here, (a little support though, maybe?)
NOTE! I cannot SEE any more through my tears--of sadness, of joy. Hope you understand that, also!
Peace. I love you all, yesss, I really do, especially now.