Tuesday, March 23, 2010



The speaker "Three Legacies" meeting Monday night was partially populated by a bus load of Peeps from one of Naples' treatment centers. Afterwards I found myself talking with a few of the guys and a girl. Someone had introduced me to this small group as, "This is Steve--he just celebrated 36 years of sobriety!"


Conversation got rolling and we got to discussing their prospects (future) after Treatment. I found a chance to mention that my step-daughter had last summer  gone through the same 28-day program they were now experiencing, that she had 5 months of clean and sober.

Suddenly came the questions, "How did she DO it?" and "Wow that's a LOT of time." "OMG, not one drink?" "Where does she go to meetings?" And so smiling, happily, I answered their questions. Upon leaving, I said to them all, "Welcome to AA.  Hello!  And Welcome Home"...

Instantly, I decided to never again tell newly sober Peeps a single WORD which smells of my length of sober time. The new person cannot wrap his brain around 36 years!  But a new Peep can surely see the possibility of 5 months!  And isn't that amazing?  And isn't that wonderful!  And I had heard that before--just pridefully--for the moment--forgot!

The mother of my children died this afternoon after a nearly-year battle with all kinds of cancer. She had been living for 5 years with my daughter in another city. She and I had been married for 25 years before our divorce 20 years ago.  I have been so busy this evening, that my thoughts have not yet gathered, but somewhat ambivalent they are at this moment.

My tendency is to revisit and "see" the stage play of many years of wonderful moments, wonderful memories, rather than "observe" any of the scenes of my drunkenness, which are from so long ago, and so hurtful, even after all has been said and done.

I shall go in the "music room" now, and, in darkness, "talk" to the saint which is how I have known her more recently. It is she who put the words of my father into a poetic beat.  Goodbye "N"...it WAS a helluva ride, for many years.

Good night to you, my Peeps.
Sober today,
Pensive tonight,
Serene on the outside.



Julianne said...

Hugs. <3

Rhi said...

I wish I could have popped in to say "hi" on different circumstances in your life. However, know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Christine Macdonald said...

Sending hugs your way. xo

Steve E said...

Julianne, I know you understand. Thanks.

RHI...The last time we corresponded was January 2009...HOW you been, girl? What a surprise! I'll check out your blog, but not until "the morrow"...Thanks for stopping by!

CHRISTINE Thank you. "N" is all better now, I am sure!

susan said...

Steve, your family is in my thoughts and prayers tonight. Take care.

Susan Deborah said...

Dear Steve:

A trillion emotions on the same day. This does not happen always. Cherish the day and be happy.

Sending you lots of joy and warmth.

Passion and courage,

Dulce said...

Steve, my dear peep,
I know N is resting in peace now after all the last months suffering. Your daughter will be at peace with herself and will be free of that suffering too. She's been a really brave and loving woman to her mom...

All my love and friendship and a big hug to my Steveroni in FL, from my island.

Your Canary-peep :)

linda said...

steve, spend time in the dark with your music until your heart feels centered....this is something that doesn't happen often and there is deep emotional scars there that, tho past, need to be put in their proper place and to sleep....take your time and take care of you and yours now, they need you and you need you and we need you too ;)

i am beginning to think that giving up anything forever is difficult if you like it...thinking of gluten, it kills too and i can never have any again and i only want pizza....sigh.... ♥

Mary LA said...

Condolences to you and your daughter. It is good to know you and N were able to become friends.

Andrew said...

Many blessings on you and your children Steve.

Fireblossom said...

Congratulations on your 36 years, Steve. Compared to you, I'm a newb!

Sherry said...

Sending peace and love your way!

Anonymous said...

Steve, it's still painful to see a big part of your past disappear forever. I hope you will get over it, and keep your children close.

In the other subject, people are impressed with recent events more than historical milestones. It is just that way.


drybottomgirl said...

Prayers of comfort sent your way. I was glad to see that you and "N" had remained friends. I was the opposite 36 years blows my mind! But to the newcomer five months seems like a lifetime so I suppose 36 months is an eternity. Rest, remember, and reflect. Most of all know that you are being thought of.

Ed G. said...

I am sorry for your family's loss.

Blessings and aloha...

Syd said...

Steve, I am sorry to hear of the loss of N. I am sure that there are all kinds of emotions flooding through you at this time. Take good care.

Anonymous said...

Wow, 36 years. I have a little trouble wrapping MY mind around it. One of my favorites AA tapes is someone talking about one of his first few meetings when he was introduced as being new to the program. He said he was indignant and took exception, saying, "I'm not new, I've got a week. Hardest damn week of my life!" Have a good one!!!

Indigo said...

My thoughts are with you sweet friend during this time of sorrow. Delicate and beautiful are the memories of loved once shared, nothing could tarnish that which soared with such heart.

*In a sidenote, I sent an email with Shattered Prose's link as per your request. (Hugs) Indigo

clean and crazy said...

there is a lot of love in your post and in your comment box. amazing this cyber thing, and how it works huh. there you are in florida and here i am in kansas and yet it is like we are right here, caring and sharing.

take care and thanks for stopping by,

Anonymous said...

huggggggg with love

JStar said...

*HUGS* Steve...I know the struggles of this disease...The only heart warming thoughts I can give is that she is pain free now and at peace...May God give you, your daughter and family the strength yall need to make it through!!!

The Turning Point said...

I feel the pain. April 1 marks 5th anniversary of my son's death in Tampa. He (45) died paralyzed and broken from our disease. Grief takes its own time, how blessed to have the support of all our friends in AA.
I pray that like my son, your ex is finally free and in Good Hands.

Love and blessings

P.S.36 years-How did you ever do it?
Was he that old?


Anonymous said...

Emotional words, thoughts and prayers your way.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

:) I only just read this now.

God be with your kids and the family and friends who surrounded N for many years!

God bless you!

Robin said...

Sorry to hear about the loss of your ex wife, friend and the mother of your children. I will pray for you and your family.