DRINKING ALCOHOL TAUGHT ME HOW TO FLY
THEN IT TOOK AWAY THE SKY

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

OH NO! NOT "CHANGE" AGAIN...

 
ANOTHER (sigh) STORY


Long time ago, as a member of an orchestra, I got to travel for six weeks at a time.  My memory of those days is that wherever we went, people did not like me.  Any time my eyes settled on another's face, I stared into a scowl. Always. I knew then I was alone and lonely in this world, and so I just played my violin, worked the job, and spoke only when necessary.

I became like a hermit surrounded by people--who incidentally hated me.  What a way to live.  What a horrible existence. And do you know what?  It was ALL in my own head.  I did not realize that until much later, like an hour ago?

Now, wherever I go, the 7-11, the Ritz-Carleton, an auto repair place, market, bank, Disney World, an airport, and AA meeting...Peeps TALK to me. They smile with me, acknowledge my humor, and display a genuine liking, a caring for me--and I for them.  What happened?

Whatever happened was a change, which did NOT take place overnight.  The beginning of my change was I drank myself into a pit of pity, a lair of despair, a world of empty mindlessness.  From there, I could climb only upward, for there was nowhere further to go...down.

I was rescued by a complex series of events, happenings which could only have been orchestrated by an outside force, or power.  I translated this into a God of my understanding.  This Power brought me to a point of surrender to a group of Peeps known as--what else?--alcoholics.  Alcoholics Anonymous.

I now know that as people began being nice to me, it was not "THEY" who changed.  It was, yep...ME!  Sure, I slip now and then in this regard.  And I try my best to make amend.  But when simply rejected, I move on, but not completely.  Being far from perfect, I hurt as well as anyone.  But having once nearly  destroyed myself BY myself, I vow not to let that happen again, by me or another.

So my world, inside me and outside, is a far better place than before.  And sobriety has given me life again, and freedom to be me, and a functioning mind (again) to know who "me" is.  And I am so grateful for all these gifts.

One who has been a friend of mine for more than a year, has written an "OTHER-than-average" piece on her blog yesterday.  It is long, but quite interesting and spiritual.  If you have a few moments, please go visit the blog of MILE 191.  Her blog title is "Come Into My Closet".  Thank you to whoever visits there and leaves a comment.  

PEACE, Peeps!  
No resentments...it is 
"against the law!"

23 comments:

Steve E said...

Peep!

JStar said...

I did the same thing...I have suffered from depression which lead to other things...The other thing ruined my life literally, until I hit rock bottom...I never asked for help...I stayed to myself...Then I changed...But now I am reverting back, realizing that people really dont care like they pretend...

Dulce said...

PEEP!!!!!

You are--- you are... you are who you are and I love it...
WhY?

Dulce said...

I know why... because you write from the heart... that huge heart of yours.

take care 2

L.L. Barkat said...

Funny, I just did a closet post too (about my real closet :)

I like what you say about us changing our perspective, coming to realize we are more likable than we thought. I can relate.

Syd said...

Nice how recovery changes hearts and minds.

Kim A. said...

When I realized that God truly liked me, then I like me, then others starting responding to that. And the ones that don't...oh, well...it keeps life spicy!

Namaste, peep!

Anonymous said...

Sobriety has given me life again. I can so relate to that. In the beginning I felt like sobriety was a punishment,but today God has shown me what a gift it really is and I am sooooo grateful. Thankyou for the blog.L

Shadow said...

there is a plan in everything. rock-bottom has taken you to places you may never have reached otherwise...

Mary LA said...

Sobriety brings a touch of reality to our perceptions of others and our self-understanding

Chef Kar said...

I, as always, love your perspective on things. Change ~ the change that you made in yourself. It is truly amazing how that change begins to happen, "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly". Reading you today reminds me to be grateful to myself for the changes I've been able to make as well. It is a gift that we have to be able to begin to live a happy, joyous and free life. I'm beginning to get glimpses of it every now and again. Thank you for the reminder.

(((Hugs)))

Secretia said...

"Rescued by a complex series of events" That is the way it goes!
Excellent!

Secretia

God Whispers In The Wind said...

Peep!

Stevie appreciated reading your post.

Blessings.

Clueless said...

I know that is where I need to get to, but it is along road for me. But, I do have hope that I will reach that point in my life. It felt good to hear your story of how you got there and there are so many truths that you wrote.

mile191 said...

Thank you my dear friend. Again and always for being there. Hugs and HOPE in healing. [And thank you thank you for your care on my behalf. Always you read and you understand and you care, and I appreciate your friendship so very much.]

mile

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Peep! I love how you use the word "orchestrated"

Today is the anniversary of Vivaldi's birth and I thought of you when I heard that. because Vivaldi spring is one of my favorite pieces and you are a fiddle-man :)

Hope today brings blessings and peace that surpasses all understanding today! For us all!

Nevine said...

When we change, we also change those around us, or at least how they behave when they're around us. Our inner selves reflect in the behavior of others. That's why, when someone is being especially nasty with me, I always stop and ask myself why. What am I doing, or what am I reflecting, that is making them behave this way? So, Steve, I know exactly what you're talking about. You're amazing!

Nevine

Sweet-Britches said...

Steve, I'm so glad YOU were the one who changed for the better. That's an awesome story.

To answer your question... I have some moments when I think that I am. :(

But it's been a few months since the last time, so I've been really good for awhile now. :)

Annie said...

Great post

Steve E said...

Sweet Britches: We should write about this some time (the question). And...actually, my story is very ordinary, it is one of powerlessness, and finding a Power to help.

Nevine, I cannot imagine anyone ever, EVER, being nasty with you, let alone "especially" nasty. NO WAY!
That does not imply perfection, of course--grin!

Jess, another Peep! Thanks for the Vivaldi item, I did not remember. And every day surpasses all undertanding for me!

JBR Please keep coming back here. PEACE!

Secretia, "Rescued"--good word. It is what YOU do knowingly and unknowingly, in your service here.

MILE, it would not be a place of JOY if I could not list you as a friend. Peace!

CLUELESS: A long road, you say. Yep, but sometimes if I stop in a small town, insted of rolling right through, I find answers which shorten that road. PEACE!

Jennie (JStar) Please, we do not HAVE to go backward to get forward
though some find that the way. The LONG way.

Dulce: It takes one with a large heart, to recognize another's large heart. You rock!

LL BArkat: Thinking less of how we really are is an illness so many of us suffer. Getting rid of mental garbage, then prayer and meditation are a big help for me--when I think of all that stuff!

KIM: You speak with great wisdom, girl...REALLY!

Syd: Yep, I believe that God can melt a human heart from hate to love, in seconds.

L (Anonymous): Welcome, come back any time...you pretty well know what is talked about here!
Good luck!

SHADOW: Yep I really believe the farther down we go, the better and more appreciated the climb back up. Thanks for commenting, you are always right on the mark.

Mary LA: Yes, the benefits of sobriety are indescribable. And I am glad to welcome you here again.
PEACE!

CHEF KAR, Welcome! Change happens as you say sometimes quickly or slowly. It seems to happen when I am ready for it, as determined by a Power outside of me, for sure!

PEACE!

Steve E said...

Annie: Thanks! Do you not have a blog--or is it closed to public? Like to visit if possible.
Peace!

Enchanted Oak said...

One day I trudged down a corridor at the office, looking at the floor as usual. I was brand-new sober, and life was so different. I passed somebody in the hall, looked up and smiled at her. She smiled back. My heart lifted up. I could smile! So I know just what you mean by this post. Recovery changes us inside. We can engage with people for real now.

Selchie said...

Moving sentiments, love the ending about resentments. I just feel good coming here.
Beautiful peep.)