Tuesday, March 16, 2010



NOTE: The year 1974 was my first year 
sober after 25 years of heavy drinking.

It is the month I remember and identify as "near my year of severe fear"...it is impossible for someone (non-alcoholic) to understand the combination of physical compulsion and mental obsession and moral degradation which encompasses the life of a practicing alcoholic, read: drunken sot.  Our Big Book calls it "Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization".

The fear then, the loss of all hope, the barren wasteland of soul which I experienced during early March of 1974--the utter abandonment of family, friends, co-workers, and yes even God, was without any expectation that life might one day look a little better than hell itself.

But my greater fear was "How will I live?", now that I had decided never to drink another drop of alcohol...ever, forever, one day at a time.

Fear knocked on the door, faith answered and there was no one there!

Just as darkness is not something, neither is fear. Darkness is only the lack of light. You can not put darkness into a lighted area and make the light go away because darkness does not exist. Light, however, can be put in a dark area and the darkness goes away because the light does exist

One is a thing and the other is a no thing. One cannot put fear in a place of faith and make faith go away. One CAN put faith in a place of fear and make fear go away.

Fear was ME!  Faith (and Hope) was ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS!

All week please celebrate with me in Gratitude my sobriety date 
Thursday, when I had my last drink of alcohol, a long time ago.

And we and I stay SOBER--today.
And we and I live in PEACE--today.
And we and I LOVE someone today.

Photo at DeviantArt, click HERE


Steve E said...


Dulce said...

BOO! back...
36 years of a piece of light in the darkeness... Bravo, sweet man... your price only you know...
Mine for you today...-->> I ♥ ♥ ♥ U!

drybottomgirl said...

I love that analogy! I am going to tuck it away in my mind and use it frequently. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! I wish I could speak directly to your face. (I'm a visual person) Congratulations! and continued peace today and always.....

Kim A. said...

Though my soul may set in darkness,
It will rise in perfect light,
I have loved the stars too fondly
To be fearful of the night.
~Sarah Williams

May the light always shine from within you to those whose path is still lost.


Enchanted Oak said...

Bringing light into darkness is a great way to describe the impact of faith on the darkness of fear.

chitowngreg said...

Congrats on 36 years of sobriety!

Carol said...

Nicely said.

Susan said...

Wow, the strength you have shown through the years is inspiring. Great job! Thanks for visiting my blog :)

Steve E said...

DULCE you are simply TOO kind, and very supportive. I love your visits here...and your Blog poems, and accompnying photos. Take Care

ENCHANTED OAK, Yep, but I meant more that AA showed me the way to that faith. Without recovering, I'd been dead long ago.

CHITOWNGREG: Thanks! I don't feel a day over 35, though--grin!

CAROL: You always say "nice" things.

KIM A. That is beautiful. Thank you. And *Namaste* to you also, I must remember to offer that greeting more...

DRYBOTTOMGIRL I love meeting Peeps at meetings along the east coast--in August I take a scooter ride--last Aug 3,000 miles in 3 weeks, AA meetings all the way!
Thanks for your encouraging words!

Susan: I'm glad we are blog-friends
I read that analogy somewhere...it struck me also. Thanks!

linda said...

steve, that is a powerful image that speaks to me but of a different type of compulsion, obsession, entrapment...darkness that feels so thick, one thinks one will surely die before the morning light......i am so happy for you and yours♥, that you have made this hard, rocky journey to what you are today and will become as you continue your path...may you always have your faith and Spirit to be beside you, even when momentary darkness beckons when you are not expecting the visit........in every life, you know all that....bravo to you and also, dear man, thank you for your lovely comment today on my painting..i am glad you see something of your youth in that farm on the hill. xoox

Shadow said...

i know that fear all too well. and it was of my own creating, which just made it worse... it's good to be free of that.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

You have come a long way Stevie. Congratulations!

Wendilea said...

Been there too, don't care to ever revisit! Thanks for all the inspiration you bring to those who have seen the dark night of the soul!

Scott said...

so relieved for the fear to be gone... oh sure, I have fears all the time, but not the dread and sense of hopelessness we all have right before we finally break down and begin to recover.

JStar said...

The is def something to celebrate!!

Nevine said...

I've always believed that it is in the deepest darkness that we found our true selves. When we're plunged inside a place and can't find our way, we search and grope in the dark, and when we still can't find our way, we think about solutions... we seek answers... we seek the light.

Congratulations on coming out of the dark, Steve. :-)


Chef Kar said...

I really enjoyed the explanation of lightness and darkness. I feel I am just coming out of that "year of fear" realizing that there is indeed a life to be lived...in spite of the fact that I have to do it without the aid of mind-numbing booze. Most days it feels good; however, some days I can't find the light switch. It is SO much closer to my hand these days AND I've learned how to use it.

For that I am grateful. Keep enjoying this celebratory week!!


The Turning Point said...

Congratulations young man. Like that man cowering near naked imprisoned and full of fear.
My image is contained in Thompson's Hound of Heaven. ...I fled him in fear down...down...down until exhausted He caught me.

Honored to celebrate with you.


Sylvia said...

Christ, that is terrifying!Last year was my worst terror year, but nothing like you've been through! At least the family was together! Well, I can say that when we go down, the only way that comes next is up!

Syd said...

So very true. I use the flashlight analogy with sponsees. We shine a light on the dark places and they aren't nearly as scary as we thought. Great post and one that I can relate to.

Steve E said...

LINDA: Did I write on yours that I loved that farm, the smells, etc. I recall running a manure laden pitchfork right through my right foot. So big then, such a littl thing now! I'll keep watching the farm scene change, one little slash of color at a time

SHADOW: Guess that's what we mean, with "Joyful, Happy, and FREE!!

JUST BE REAL: Lots of miles on these old tires...but enough tread left for another summer.

WENDILES: Inspiration...yessss--it must come from somewhere outside of us, maybe like a Higher Power?

SCOTT: Semse of DOOM has left us.


NEVINE: Nevine, I was pushed, pulled, kicked, and lifted out from the bottom, and given a "STEP" ladder!

CHEF KAR: I just had an idea! Carry with you a remote to turn the lights back on...maybe one of these "little Big Books"...(first 164 pages)??? I'm going to begin doing that tonight.

SYLVIA: Yep, Syl, the song"Spiining Wheel" is backwards when it sings, What Goes Up...Must come down..." We can sing What Goes Down, must come UP!!!
Thanks for that----

TURNING POINT: Hound of Heaven one of my FAVORITES, thanks for the reminder: those FEET with the BEAT!

SYD: YO, man! Always on the mark whether on your computer, or anyone else's.

Audrinna said...

Thank you for coming to my blog I have missed you
your friend

Steve E said...

Hey Audrinna! Great to see you, Do not know if you visit often, but we are here now, and that's what counts. God is called "I WHO AM"...He is not called "I WHO WAS"..

Someone told me that.

PEACE to you, girl!

Superfluous Brunette said...

Yet another great post. I have looked at the dark in many ways and realize that the monsters that lurk there are not real, but I never thought of it the way you wrote her - it does not exist. I will remember that. "Fear knocked on the door, faith answered and no one was there." I am posting that one up in my home.