Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pretty and NOT Pretty



A Peep asked for some life-stories.  OK.

Alas!  The regret I had in never experiencing a blackout.  "Pass-outs", yes, hundreds of those beauties.  But there I was, in AA rooms, listening with childlike envy to the tales of those who got to enjoy life for a day, or days--or even just a few hours now and then--in a world somewhere other than this globe-like ball of dirt and water we call Earth.

This morning we read the story "The Vicious Cycle" in Big book, p 225, about this guy who went to a morning movie in NY, and when he left many hours later (he had spent the day, drinking in the darkness) he picked up a newspaper, and read that he had been picked up by ambulance, taken to the hospital and had his stomach pumped out during mid day--and DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.  He wound up in the movie house again, thinking that he'd he'd been there all day.

Now, I call that a "blackout"!  Thank god I could finally recall some life-time lost By me. And now I can proudly announce my own "blackout daze".  But I don't! Except here with my friends....

After about ten years dry, my sponsor-of-the-day asked me to write some of my life. So I began with 1956, '57, and '58, and all was proceeding well.  A funny thing happened though...I could not remember anything during the years 1959 and 1960.  Simply could not recall if I had been working or where I lived.  I didn't know if I had been married or not, nor to whom, since I was never without a companion...well, you know.  Fourteen years after that, I did become drink-and-drug-free...sober!

Life is certainly different now.  I can freely live, freely give.  I have found a "way out" from despair, from hopelessness.  I can think of someone other than ME!  I can love.  

I know what is is to be an "outsider--it hurts deeply, I can tell you that.  I can feel sadness and pain.  I can experience happiness, gratitude, and know what "how it works" to spread good cheer wherever I go.  I try to do that today.  

But right now it is 5 AM--been up all night--and I've just GOT to finish these doggone tax forms.  They were due April 15, so a six-month extension brought me to October 15.  That is NOW!  At least I know that procrastination is NOT one of my character defects...it is simply my whole life approach!  Oh well, (sigh)!

But I love my Peeps, and wish you all peaceful soberness today.  And me, too--I'll stay sober today, OK?


Just Be Real said...

Yes, Stevie you take good care of your peeps, that is true. Sharing insight and stories. Wow, cannot believe someone had no clue their stomach was being pumped, but then again, being numb to the world can do that. Thank you for sharing your story also. Blessings to you dear one.

Madison said...

Some family and loved ones may have stood by this blackout man's side during that time - crying, begging and coercing - all unheard, lost in memory. From reading this I'm reminded that, as family members, we can fall apart. But, we can't cure.

Andrew said...

Oh yes. I, too know what it is to be an outsider.

Good to see you writing regularly again.

Love to you Steve.

Dulce said...

We all have blackouts in our life... I guess. Welcome memories might be if what is to be remembered is worth the effort. Some experiences we'd better forget.
Thank you Great Peep!

Tall Kay said...

Your gratitude for sobriety abounds...and it's contagious!!! I can relate to putting off the tax returns as my books are always the last ones to get done. Oh well,the relief in getting it finished will be huge! Love and hugs to you!

kberman said...

Hi, Steve. I love your blog. You and I have a lot in common. I live in Margate, Fl.,senior citizen,and my sobriety date is 11/24/76. I have been blogging about recovery since 11/24/04. I took the last five years to get everything out of my memory bank. I also am a student of procrastination--I love to study new ways to do it. Visit me sometime: kathyberman.com.

Prayer Girl said...

I am an "escape junkie" of the first order - less so these sober days.

BUT escaping via blackouts was no fun - just total blanks - kind of like your years 1959 and 1960.

For me, they were scary. Once I woke up from a blackout with a knife in my hand sitting on my wrist. Nothing to envy!

Love from Your #1 PEEP,

Cat said...

Oh man tax forms are so hard - I often find myself procrastinating on them as well - but get it done and then get some rest my friend!

P.S. I am not looking at getting away from you in any way shape or form. Just Sayin'!

Shadow said...

by the skin of your teeth, hey steve. hope those tax thingies are done and sorted.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Glad to see ya back and bloggin'

Love ya!

Ed G. said...

Good luck on taxes, life and reality.

Blessings and aloha...

wolfie185 said...

Procrastination is simply my whole life approach, oh how true. I suffered blackouts also but not to a great extent, there where only a couple of time that I couldn't account for days, mostly it was lost hours and waking up not know what I had done the last hours of the night before, the old how and when did I drive myself home.

Thanks for a great post and hope the IRS approves of your work :-)

diane d said...

That's a crazy story.
Praying you get the taxes done ASAP!!! Thank you for taking the time to encourage us all here!!

John DeFlumeri Jr said...

Those stories of not remembering big life events, are themselves quite sobering and interesting!

Margie said...

Steve, wonderful peep!
Loved these words you wrote...
"life is certaintly different now. I can freely live, freely give. I have found a "way out" from despair, from hopelessness. I can think of someone other than Me. I can love.

Keep on spreading your love and good cheer, Steve.
You do it so well!

Joy and blessings to you!


DreamDancer said...

Jeepers, I need to work on my tax forms too! Have a great day and thanks for the "reminder" :0

mile191 said...

Hey. I am missing you. How are you doing? I hope well. I really hope that you get those taxes done. Prayers and best wishes your way!!!

mile 191

Gin said...

Get crackin' on those taxes Mr. Steveroni!

Syd said...

I've seen the black outs happen and perhaps those were the scariest part of my wife's behavior. I would never know when she was going to get up in the middle of the night and stumble around not knowing where she was. A bad scene all around.

Selchie said...

great to be back and hear some of your story. blackouts and taxes, I think there's some connection there...
Glad to see you well and happy,


Anonymous said...

I will never forget the physician in my homegroup back in California talking about the blackout where he started out in California but somehow ended up in London. I was a blackout drinker, but even that story freaked me out.

Angeles said...

I believe you had learn a lot. Life is an experience, we learn making mistakes.
I hope you understand me, my English is not good. I read you whithout google traductor...sorry.
Love is the way, I thynk so.

linda said...

"I can love."

this brought tears ...

beautifully said, deeply felt...

Patrick said...

I absolutely hated them, worse than the hangovers. I knew that something was horribly wrong when I could not recall.

Best wishes on the tax forms.

Angeles said...

I found the poem of my entry and I give it to you:

Naked soul

I am a naked soul in these verses,
A naked soul, anxious and lonely
dropping its scattered blossoms

A soul that resembles a poppy,
That can be a lilly, violet
A rock, a jungle and a wave.

A soul that like the wind wanders restlessly
And shouts it she is over the seas,
And sleeps sweetly in a chasm

A soul that adores on its altars
Gods who will not climb down to blind it
A soul that knows no wall.

A sould that easily could rule
Just one heart, if it was willing to split in two
That the blood would sprinkle upon them.

A soul that in spring
Asks the winter to stay: Come back,
May your snow lay upon my meadows.

A soul that dissolves when it is snowing
Crying with grief for roses
With which the spring is infolding us.

A soul, from which sometimes butterflies spring
Out into the fields, regardless the distances,
And to which it says: Sip the things.

A soul that knows nothing and that denies everything
And, denying the good advances the good
Because its devotion is biggest in denial.

A soul that usually enjoys
Stroking souls, contemning the traces,
And to feel a tender touch in the hand.

A soul that is discordant with itself,
Like the winds wandering, running and turning;
A soul that bleeds and is ceaselessly delirious
Because it is the boat on the way to the stars

Alfonsina Storni

Anonymous said...

I loved reading your pretty not pretty. I can tell you have DONE GREaT..
Ty for always taking care of your peeps, but first and foremost. YOURSELF..

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.”