I DO NOT WANT TO BE 'NORMAL'...
I believe I am normal--I am a normal ALCOHOLIC! I do crazy things, I think crazy thoughts, I occasionally utter the craziest words which have no fit or meaning to anything. The point I wish to make here is that MOST PEOPLE DO THESE THINGS! I am not in a SPECIAL category, just because I'm an alcoholic.
I have all those defects of which anybody can boast, PLUS, if I take ONE drink, I cannot stop! I set up for myself that mental obsession, a physical craving, and soul-destroying compulsive behaviors which only cause damage, and result in hurting myself and others. I can rediscover the perfect equation for loads of unpleasantness--that first drink.
I LIKE chaos...or DO I? I like to 'push the envelope' (wish I knew exactly what that meant!) but I'd also like to not push it off the desk. Sometimes I get that envelope right near the edge, to where it precariously totters--before I say to myself once again, "Hey, what's going on here? Slow down this engine, before you have a major train wreck on your hands, Steve. God?? Flex?? (Flex is my Guardian Angel!) Where ARE you guys? I really REALLY need you now!"
It is usually around that time, when I remember to make myself "willing to grow along spiritual lines". It is then when I recall those words: ..."praying only for knowledge of His will for us (me) and the power to carry that out ". It is only then that my temporary restlessness, irritability, and discontentment slowly, yet surely vanish. AND, it is then when my sanity and serenity return, and I begin to live again among the HAPPY people in this world!
NOTE: I AM happy more than 90% of the time.
What causes these issues? (I hate that word 'issues'.) Who knows? I sure do not. It might have something to do with human frailties, or with being 'NORMAL' (THAT word again?)
And I'm somehow NOW left with the thought that maybe Pride (my Ego) plays a part in any discussion of my own 'shortcomings'...so there's a likely place to start cleaning up the streets of my brain. Those streets are mostly potholes and patches at this late stage of road building (The Road To Heaven?). So I'll throw down some more asphalt , rake it around, roll it,, and hope it will stick...and keep on staying sober, keep on working our Twelve Steps, keep on helping others, and keep on living.
For some reason, God brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous, and He and you people in AA--and now you AA Bloggers--have helped to keep me free from drinking alcohol, ever since my first AA meeting many years ago, March 19, 1974.
Love and Peace!
--defect-a-roni
(If I single left click on the picture above, it will appear enlarged in another window!)
12 comments:
i'm feeling very 'frail' today, as you put it so nicely. crazy crazy thoughts. time to get off the merry-go-round!
Inspired!
rolling asphalt in my head. Now there's an interesting visual.
Coming to terms with my character defects, accepting them as they are has been a difficult part of my journey. Yet, somehow, I am beginning to like myself.
I am glad that we can walk this trail together. That I can pay attention to what all of you are saying.
Thanks.
Normal Snormal...Who likes normal anyway!!!
God made a special little(well really it's big)community for all of us recovering from alcohol. That's my normal now, although I'm sure people that don't "get" us wouldn't consider that normal. Lets not worry about that though cause we are the lucky ones!
I love coming here everyday and reading your posts. Thank you.
I'm so glad you are here! Thanks.
grin-a-roni...if you read my earlier post just before you would note that I was grateful that Susan Sarandon hugged my daughter. She's a college student and S.S. appeared there in a tribute to Bette Davis (though my daughter had no idea who BD was and thought she was there to rally the students for Barack Obama). Nevertheless, my daughter very excitedly approached SS to tell her what a fan she was and to thank her and SS gave her a hug. Nice, huh?
I am so grateful for this post, I have felt fragile all day long, and I've felt my defects under the surface, I've looked at my HALT and my words/actions and then read your blog, and there it was...EGO in the way again! thank you thank you thank you!
Love,
Gabalicious Delicious it is Friday!
"Normal" is a mighty dull way to live. I much prefer my recovery life in AA and getting to know all the odd-balls...nothing like it in the "normal world".
As an alcoholic I have no idea what "normal" is.. For so long, what I know now as disfunction and ab-"normal" were "normal." I could write a book on that stuff, I bet most of us can. My counselor even suggested that I do that someday, you know, the whole truth is stranger than fiction type thing. (-grin-) :)
Your sobriety date is my granddaughter's birthday. And it was my mother's birthday too. I like that date.
This is great info to know.
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