Sunday, September 7, 2008


NOTE: Gratefulness is what I'm experiencing at this moment. Thank you to all who responded to my request to pray for my eye-Doc. Monday morning he's doing a cataract extraction and an intra ocular lens implant.

I still find it difficult to believe that in a short 65 days, I have discovered so many people, you all, who shower each other, and me, with support, prayer, empathy, humor, a tad of ribaldry, advice and instruction--and do all that with understanding and pure love.

God does not tire of my asking Him to bless us all, and so I'm asking now. Again!

Steve E.

I CAN........WHAT?!!

I used to say to myself, "I cannot drink, I cannot drink, I cannot drink, I cannot drink, I cannot drink, I cannot drink, I cannot drink, I cannot drink."

Then one day I found that I CAN!!!............................not drink.

To me, it does not matter, the hour or the day that happened. But it DID happen, a gift from God with my cooperation, in the form of a habit, of being busy, of attending meetings, of talking with the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. It happened as a result of a gift from God.

When I discovered that I could DO-IT (not drink), I became free to work the Twelve Steps, the second part of God's gift, also in cooperation with me. You see, He and I became partners in this recovery. In truth, none of any of this happened overnight. All happened during a 'process' of admission, belief, cleansing, reparation, and then giving away all that I learned.

And the third part of God's gift to me is ongoing, a spiritual awakening, as THE result of these steps. Imagine, all this work had as its goal ONE result, my spiritual growth.

The rest of my job--and it's really NOT a job--is to simply pass it on. And that can be as much fun as I will allow it! And I allow it a LOT!

This IS serious business. So was my drinking serious...just you TRY to get my bottle away from me in the morning. Just you TRY to crack open my new quart bottle of Vodka at 3 AM...get your hands off my BREAKFAST-----or in the oily darkness of the cold, scummy river current, you will find your watery grave--and THAT was a promise.

I should end this now with a couple lines of how MUCH God and I love everyone, etc., etc., but I'm all riled up remembering that guy who thought he was going to drink MY 'morning bottle' before morning. See how quickly I can jump into a full-blown resentment? God, come help me now. Guardian Angel "Flex", where are you?

LOOK! All those gifts from GOD just went out the window. Well, what should I do? I know the answer, and so do y'all. One more gift left: Go to a meeting, There's one I can make this afternoon. (I don't call my sponsor on Sunday. Anyway, he would offer this..."Go to a meeting. Good bye!)
Steve E.


Shadow said...

you're wonderful you know that. your post means a lot to me TODAY.

it is wonderful remembering, all of a sudden it felt but obvious was part of a longish process, that drink i don't need to anymore. the pendulum had swung and like you so eloquently said, i can NOT drink. and the subsequent feelings of release and freedom, wonderful!!!

and strangely, a little bit earlier, i was standing in the kitchen, making tea and breakfast for the bean, thinking about hubby who's gone out to the drags, and when i opened a cupboard, there was a miniature sherry in the corner, yet it seemed larger than life and seems to be screaming at me. and racing through my head were those 'who'd know' and 'one won't hurt' and 'just think how nice it would feel' thoughts. instantly. insistently. well, well, well, what could i do... but turn around, walk away, scoop the gunk off the swimming pool, and go to 'my' meeting. all you guys here... and thank you for being here this morning. you are a godsend! now i can breathe again. and reflect on the gift of NOT drinking. thank you again!

Just For Conner said...

Beautiful post. This has so much meaning to me today. Thank you for your love, care and compassion. You are a gift from God. Hugs, Jenn

Lou said...

I would like to lock my son in a room with you for a week someday, Steve-O-Hellfire. I think you could succeed where many have failed!

Mary Christine said...

I will be praying for you and your doc Steve.

Laura said...

Thank you for your honesty and sharing an extremely personal battle once again. How appropriately put, the choice you CAN make and we can apply to any thing in our lives that tries to control us.

You are the teacher. And it's nice to meet Flex. :)

Anonymous said...

I like the line, I can-not drink. I can't remeber exactly when it happened eaither, but am so grateful that it did. It's hard not to worry about surgery, the waiting and anticipation is the hardest part. I went through it a few weeks ago, myself. Once they got me back there in my gown, everyone was so nice and set me right at ease. Just think in a little more than 24 hours from now, it will be all over with, trust god, and all will be well! And next week, you will know exactly what to expect, so it won't be so bad. Prayers and hugs to you!

Mary LA said...

I'll be thinking of you and praying, holding you in my heart before God. I have had so many eye ops and they have gone fine. God looks after us.



~Tyra~ said...

I will keep you and your doctor in prayer tomorrow.

It was so cool when just a few weeks ago I turned a corner and I knew that I could live the rest of my life without a drink.

Kathy Lynne said...


Gabriella Moonlight said...

Thank you for your post, your posts mean so much to me and I thank you so much for you experience, strength and hope! You are a miracle!

Anonymous said...

So how long is this eyeball business going to keep you out of commission? 'Cuz these drunks out here NEED you. The blogosphere can't go too long without a Steve-O Post....

Dear God,

Hi. It's me, Kristin H. (you know, the crazy as all hell alkie from West Virginia?) Well, if it's all the same to you, would you pretty please with sugar on top (and a cherry) take care of Steve-O's eyeballs and get him back to blogging because we all love him and need him back at the computer like yesterday.


Syd said...

Your doctor is in my thoughts. And so are you.