THE IMPORTANCE OF STAYING SOBER
Saturday was going to be a happy day--as are most of my days. I was met at the door of my 7 AM meeting, by old (she must be 25?) friend Polly, of chocolate chip cookie fame. By the way, Polly has been elected annual chair for the 'cookie' meeting, at which I am the "humble" -grin! librarian. We have a good group of about six actual members , at a meeting which usually hosts 150-200 people. And I do feel the flying sparks of enthusiastic willingness, and a strong spirit of cooperative friendship among the six members.
Well, Polly was at the door when I walked in this Saturday morning. She informed me that a 'special friend', an AA member for a number of years and/or months--more or less--had died by her own desire the night before. So sad. She had tried so hard (too hard? TRIED? Oh my!). "D" was so mixed up. As tragic as it is for me to hear of such happenings, it is even more so when I have a personal relationship with the deceased. We talked briefly...daily. D called Prayer Girl and me two weeks ago, then went to detox, then spent a 'couple daze' in a rehab, then was brought home.
The real tragedy is she left behind a nine-year-old grade schooler, and a thirteen-year-old middle schooler. Also a husband (2 years) and the ex, the children's father, and D's mother--none of whom I know--are now searching their consciences. They are trying to recall who said what, and when, but none of that matters now. To me, this is not about guilt, right, wrong, would-a, could-a, should-a or anything--except a deadly disease. And the disease won the war.
Periodically I am sent a message like this, one of our number dying horribly, suddenly, tragically, and without warning. It brings me back to that realization how deadly this illness IS. The alcoholic sometimes has no defense against the first drink. And after the first one, well--forget it! "D" suffered, true. She was tormented by the demon drugs which have visited so many of us. And sometimes, as in D, those demons camp out...they stay. They just would not let her be.
As sometimes I become enthusiastically nonchalant about the seriousness of this stuff--even while going to many meetings, sponsoring, and mostly walking the walk--I am more than ready to hear the message "...we absolutely insist on enjoying life." Well, that is not the ONLY sentence my Big Book brings me. There are many more sentences, paragraphs, pages, and chapters which stress the importance of taking the Steps, observing the Traditions, attending meetings, telling everything to my sponsor--especially those things I do NOT wish to discuss. Include in those instructions the importance of the maintenance of my spiritual condition, all to help me stay sober.
Truly, I realize that....tonight I am not "covering all the bases". But my mind keeps drifting to the scene of what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now. "D" let us all know what she had been like, we now know what happened (it could happen to any one of us), and we know what she is like now. DEAD!
In love and service...and a heart which hurts,
Steve E.
14 comments:
my sympathies to you and "D's" family. It is always such a surreal feeling when someone we know passes. It is like feeling our own mortality and it is scary. I will pray for the children who lost their parent and with this I will take another 24
Prayers are coming your way and to D's family...this is always so hard and yet I know that if I were still out ther I too would be dead, that is the truth...thank you for the reminder and I am working to stay sober today and one day at a time. Love you,
G
So sad. Thanks for sharing.
So sorry, Steve, for your loss and her family. I hate it win the disease wins......blessings to you for this post.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I had a close friend in AA commit suicide. Some days I am hit with a wave of grief these 10 years later. Prayers for all.
Suicide leaves such 'unfinished business' behind -- sympathy to to you & Anna and D's family.
xxMary
Steveroni, you have no idea how timely your post is and I mean down to the minute. You really are Gods messenger. Take good care of yourself....A prayer offered for the poor girl and her loved ones.
oh i'm deeply saddened....those dark hours that become too much for some. no!!!!!
My friend, the one who was in the crack infested motel room a couple of weeks ago is THANK GOD still alive and in a treatment center. I'm hoping (AND PRAYING) that he finds THE Key that allows him to open the door and finally see the Light (sharing it while he's still on earth)!!!
I'm sorry about "D" and have you and her family in my prayers right now.
So Sorry Steve.
so sorry about your friend, unfortunately it DOES happen. It happens a lot here. It is a grim reminder of why I need to be more dilligent in MY program. I wasn't going to a meeting tonight, but I am now. Much love, Denise
This is very sad news.
I am so sorry for D, her family, and her friends. I know that this must have been a shock. It is such a final thing. And so unnecessary.
The truly unfortunate part is the poor little 9-year-old left behind. Statistically because she has a parent who took her own life she has 50/50 odds that she will grow up and follow suit. Apparently, this is like getting permission from your parent from the grave that it's OK to take your own life. This is truly, deeply sad. Please accept my condolences.
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