Sunday, March 15, 2009


Funny but NOT Funny

"Funny thing happened on the way to the office..." (Actually, it happened at a meeting.) First, I am really having one of those 'bad' days which I usually only read about (others).

Second I'm not sure why after all these years a situation has taken on much more meaning than it deserves. I left a meeting this morning before it was over--I could not stand for mt peeps to see me cry.

It came over me to share that my long-dead father never once said to me, "I love you, son." In fact, on his deathbed I told him I loved him, and he could not respond, although he was quite able to 'talk'--with me using his Tel-a-touch. He just could not even get out the words.

And, after a lifetime of being singled out as five hundred 'dumb jackasses'
He had been SO handicapped throughout his 'happy' life, that I felt SO guilty about not liking, loving, him. Rather what I had felt--maybe still feel, was hatred. How aweful is that?

So I had to leave the meeting and zip home to tell whoever will read this that I did cry a little bit on my bikeride home...and I hesitate to say this.....but I even had a brief thought about how nice a quart of Early Times might be, not a drink--a quart!

Immediately I knew "trouble" was brewing--bad use of word, grin!--and asked God to get to me quickly. Angel Flex, "HELP!" Then a car full of beach-goers pulled alongside of me at a light (a light which is NEVER red!) and we chatted a minute, they were happy, smiling young people. They yelled at me as they pulled away, "Have a nice day, Steve!" (These were strangers to me, get it?)

So, as of right now, I AM F.I.N.E. but I did want to get this off my chest, and to write it out makes me feel SO much better.

If anyone is reading this, you are not expected to comment, because this IS my blog #2 today. There may even be a third...after mass.

In MUCH love, service, and gratitude for you all.
Steve E.


Eli said...

Glad you got it out in the open. I guess we never really outgrow those tough feelings about our parents. You certainly deserved an "I love you" from him, so some angry feelings are more than justified! I'm sending prayers and encouragement in your direction...

Indigo said...

It's one of the reasons why I continue to write about my abuse. Getting it out of me so eventually I can find some serenity. I know all too well these things jump out at you and leave you hurting and vulnerable.

I do believe if I didn't write a drink would be all too appealing. Alcoholism is cunning indeed. I'm glad you chose to share your pain instead of drinking my friend. (Hugs) Indigo

Mary Christine said...

There are lots of layers of the onion... and some make us cry. Hang in there.

Hope said...

Expectations creep up and blindside us sometimes, don't they? I am so glad for that car load of angels coming alongside you today at that red light. And for the grace to cry out to God for help and for the courage to post.
Hugs to you and PG today.

Banana Girl said...

Friend, there are no words that compensate for the stick in your gut hole left by a parent's inability to express love for us. For me it was my mother. She could not for one moment, and to this day cannot, be vulnerable to love. Through your tears and the attendant release of the longed for recognition of being his child, perhaps it is helpful to consider the hell he lived in by his self-constructed prison of being the "strong one." My mother lives in it daily and her refusal of self-care when ill, to rest rather than attend a function for fear she appears weak, to laugh rather than criticize, to comfort rather than be comforted...you know. This torture chamber of overdependence of other's opinions of her pushes her and has alienated her completely from 5 children. Children who would have walked through fire for a hug. Today I know, through the program, this is what she was taught and this is all she knows and therefore it is the best she can do. Acceptance is the key....Forgiveness is the gift. Especially if you forgive yourself for being emotional. LU J.

vicariousrising said...

Steve, I understand this post oh so well. And I am so grateful and proud of you too for sharing it. Parent stuff is hard.

I don't let anyone see me cry either, and I'm a girl. ;)

Love you, my grinning, bike riding, Big Book thumping friend!

Shadow said...

oh man, hugs and love for you today!!! firstly, gotta get it out, good for you. and secondly, god certainly knew where to put you to lighten your heart!

Findon said...

Well there you go, a red light, who'd have thought of that !!

steveroni said...

well you may be right about angry feelings, but these happened nearly 70 yrs ago. By now they're classed as resentments..and can br fatal for me...and others.

Thank you for your encouraging words.

Mary Christine,
Whenever I peel onions, I cry.

Banana Girl,
Acceptance is the Key, and forgiveness is the Gift. thanks

Love your name--and your message!

Yep Red Lights are lots if thing. As kids, we were not allowed in the "Red Light" District. And now a red one serves as a 'wink' in God's Eye.

Shadow, you ALWAYS come up with the goods--I mean "goodies"!

Vicarious Rising,
You have too many connections here in S FL, for us not to meet in person one day. Save a hug, please!

And I just love you ALL, for taking the time to help a guy with a small wound. Thank YOU!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Parents are so hard indeed. My mother loved me but on her deathbed, she recanted her love unequicvocally, and that has haunted me for years, but in truth I realize now that she loved me she was frightened, I knwo that her father never told her about his love for her and that haunted her...it's a process indeed of peelingt he onions and I thank you so much for sharing this..it is meaningful and powerful and so necessary!
I Love YOU!!!

mile191 said...

thank you for writing this beautiful post. my grandfather and i were talking about how parents back in his day, especially fathers, didn't show affection. it wasn't proper. he never really knew if his dad loved him, and i can see the child in him aching for that knowledge.

i want so much for my children to know that I LOVE THEM, now and forever. being broken from my childhood makes that so hard.

i never knew a mothers love, and with the abandonment issues...

and I never knew a fathers love...

a grandfather, a father in law, but not my own.

why wasn't I worth loving.

I can't help but cry reading your post here. another part of me broke open to heal the hurt. thanks for helping me, and for your kind love.

hugs to you...

and my prayers.

smile 191, HOPE...

Eli said...

You're right about the resentments. No matter how justified, they're still poisonous. Ultimately, life's to short to spend being angry about the past.