Thursday, August 27, 2009


All that is left are NAMES on a rock,
and a field of green grass. WHY?


So when did I say everything is perfect? Was that only last night? I dined this evening at a HARDEE'S. About 35 years ago I said it would be the last time, then. Well, why did I think it would be different this time ________(fill in the blank)? All I can say is that it was a rude ride, the staff was rude, other customers were rude, I was "ruded". There were a few transactions being carried out in brown unmarked paper bags.

Any minute I expected the customers to be pointing to me, while saying to the police, "HE did it. HE brought this stuff in here to sell. HE is a 'dealer'. HE is the one whose scooter outside is sitting there with its lights on...." WHAT? My BATTERY! Wow, did I break out of that lethargy, like fast. Anyway, this has nothing whatever to do with tonight's blog...MAYBE!


I visited a Confederate Cemetery this afternoon, along the highway--well, eight miles off the highway. There is only one you know. Ooops, i mean one million of them! It was the scene of a horrendously bloody battleground, Averasboro. The battlefield today is so peaceful, green grass smiling up at me, acres of it. A few battle remnants, ramparts I noticed. And I saw the quiet, the sereneness of those beautiful pastures, sitting there with little left but the memories they hold of that great fight in the mid 1800's.

The places where armies battled until many of each side were dead, are everywhere strewn here in the southland, and each battlefield has its own stories of horror. Yet they are so much the same, kill or be killed--or both, brother or not. And, be BRUTAL!

Unfathomable is the dichotomy of the picture above. I stood there, and I could hear the passionate screaming of men with their blood spilling freely from torn-off limbs. I listened to the feint sounds here and there of "Mama. Help me, Mama!" The cursing, the shouting, the obscene yelling, the canon blasts, the small arms' firing away at other humans just like ourselves. (See, I even put myself into the battle!) Even the horses who wanted to escape, but just did not know how...nowhere safe to run.

One mini-second in history it is a field of complete, total, and real, chaos, and the next mini-second of eternity it is the holiness of the courage and bravery buried there under fields of green, not of dreams, unless we count nightmares.

I was allowed the sight, the sounds, the feelings in that lonely, green farmland as I knelt and prayed, not for those men, but for the suffering defenseless mothers and innocent wide-eyed children who have been and are abused daily, hourly. Always. Before, during and until...the end of time.

I pray they might find their "Second Road" home, to sanity, to peace, and in happiness. This battle is not fought in muddy fields, but in living rooms and bedrooms, the world over. God, please have mercy on these, the least....

These wars of unspeakable happenings remind me of my alcoholism. How is it, my life one minute in eternity was one of utter chaos with annihilation of whatever did not conform to "my will". Once a life of recovery began and was taking shape, one eternity-minute of past time had transubstantiated itself into the following eternity-minute, characterized by some bit of peace and serenity now and then. God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. Isn't that just truly marvelous! And God is doing that for any of us who sincerely ask. So let's ask, peeps.

Back to the first paragraphs: HARDY'S hamburger palace was no good for me 35 years ago, and obviously it is still no good for me...but I HAD to try it out "one more time." It did not kill me.

Alcohol was no longer good for me years ago. And I had better not try it out "one more time" or it could well kill me, and maybe--needlessly--others. (See, there WAS a way to tie that in with sobriety!)

NOTE: While I was writing, I received a call from "B" in Naples. I do not know him. He had been drinking. And I talked wayyy too long with him. He wanted me to "come over and we'll talk". He would not listen to me say that I am in North Carolina, and it would be difficult. I get SO tired of people telling me how much sobriety they "had in the past." But it is normal for us to try and make ourselves look good...no matter how bad we really look. Maybe nobody reading this has that problem. Maybe it's just me--and Mr B in Naples, who will awaken with a headache in the morning, as I will NOT!

Hey guys, I'm on my way to Charlottesville VA in morning. Gonna meet PG's sponsee there for dinner Friday evening. She will take me to farmer's Market Saturday. I know her, she used to live in Naples, and we sat in many meetings together. We will go to a meeting at 8 PM tomorrow night.

Later, Saturday evening I'm going to "take a tour" of TSR (The Second Road) and meet face-to-face Jinx and A Miles, the peeps who keep that place alive. And I AM excited about all the opportunities to meet other recoverers whose programs I respect and admire. We're all in this together, guys.

Only 200 miles today
$30 motel--no coffee, Should have known.
Scooter runs like new
Body tired
Glad I got biker jacket
Have not gone down yet
Still it gives confidence
Bike thinks I-95 means 95 mph
Gonna get me some tomorrow--dinner--FOOD!
Miss my peeps at home, lots of them.
It will make reunion sweeter
Miss prayer girl
I know she would like to be out here
But in A/C car, not on scooter.
I am LOVING every mile.
Believe that!!!!!
I love life
I love LIVING life
I, I, I, I, it's ALL about me, yes?
Thank you Kristin.
For lovely words in my behalf
On The Second Road (TSR)
You are a sweetie.

So let's be cheerful (well it's NOT required --grin!)

And SMILE, even when I do not feel like it.
And find 'some ting' like PEACE in our lives.
And love, yes, love one another.


garden-variety drunk said...

hi steve. your description of the battlefield there reminds me of going to normandy while i was in france years ago. the whole place was so beautiful and peaceful, and to think what transpired there years ago....

sounds like you're having quite an adventure on the road. keep on truckin' (or scooterin')

Shadow said...

this trip is obviously agreeing with you! stay safe!!!!

Findon said...

Sounds like a good interesting road trip, even the "FOOD". Keep posting Steve and take good care.

Ed G. said...

I love hearing of the old battles - I've had similar battlefield experiences (Little Big Horn changed my life).

Blessings and bon voyage...

Tall Kay said...

This place is just radiating 'the love'! Sounds like such an adventure. Taking the time to stop and smell the roses...and share with us. Thanks Steve and keep safe. Looking forward to more, more, more.

Syd said...

I would spring for a good meal at a good restaurant. I don't do fast food and haven't for a long while. If you eat at a fast food place while in Charleston, well...it just has so many great restaurants that eating at a joint would be a shame.

Pete Hoge said...

I am inspired by your willingness
to not only BE sober but LIVE sober.


Selchie said...

I'm so jealous, I could sooo do with a road trip..)

vicariousrising said...

OMG, Hardees. The first time I ate at one of those was my last. Burger bun like a brick. You can't go through NC without passing by one, though.

wolfie185 said...

You reminded me of a song by Stephen Stills called "Cost of Freedom" chorus "Do we find the cost of freedom buried in the ground, Mother earth will swallow you lay your body down" Stills wrote it about a Civil War battle field but yes it could just as easly be about any war. An old timer use to say the only way we have go this thing beat is when they put us in that " wooden overcoat and lay us to rest". It is sad to think that for some freedom from domestic violence may mean death, freedom from alcholism and drug addiction may mean death, it is sad that you, others and myself have witnessed this but freedom comes with a cost and God is the only one who knows what that cost will be. Some us have found God's grace and find serenity and are given a daily reprieve from the violence of the battlefield. I have been to WWII battle fields and a concentration camp and know what you have experience, there is an eeriness that goes with the awareness one feels experiencing these places but I know I am alive when I have that awareness, alive because my spirit is open to the suffering and not dead and apathic, awareness is a beautiful gift and we need to give thanks for having it. Well enough philosophy from me.
Great to read more about your journey, you really need to stop at greasy spoons and mom and pops dinners instead of fast food joints though, price is the same and food is better. Glad to hear you still have your humor and graditude. Sounds like you have an awesome day planned for Saturday, enjoy my friend.
Prayers and fellowship

Susan DeAngelis said...

I'm still traveling with you Steve and loving every minute of it.

Awesome trip expense report.

Scott said...

I love a good road trip... I need one soon!

our community just last Saturday dedicated and retired a US flag that was made for the union civil war soldiers from our town by ladies in our town right before they left to fight in the war. It had been found some time ago, was donated and was finally painstakingly restored over a period of 6 years. It's a remarkable flag, 7' high by 13'6" long, tattered, shot through, stars cut out for fallen soldiers from our town. It was a moving dedication and one I am blessed to have been a part of.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

YAY Steve! I do believe as Syd does that Charleston has wonderful food that doesn't have to be "fast."

God be with you my friend, and I love watching and experiencing this journey with you vicariously!