Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hopeless, Helpless, and Happiness

Pammie, Note: "Cookie" Meeting Tonight at Naples group.


Ya know, I am finding that the more meetings I attend of Alcoholics Anonymous, the more opportunities arise where I might serve. Instead of lurking in the rear row of seats once--or three times--a week, and gaining nothing, I stay not only sober, but remain a "part of" your world of happy, recovering ex-drunks!

Imagine: (Big Book, Forward to 1st Edition) ..."from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body"...to..."remaining a 'part of' your world of happy, recovering ex-drunks!" (Steve E. one paragraph up from here *) As I meditate on these distantly-related, almost opposing quotes, God enters my picture. As Maker of all that is seen and unseen He is visioned. HOPELESSNESS was seen, and HAPPY, RECOVERING EX-DRUNKS is seen. But all the in-between stuff, the Spirit moving ever so slowly through you and into me, and back again; through your life, and into mine, and back again--was and is the realm of the UNSEEN.

And I thank God, and you people for my seen and unseen existences prior to, and during my second life, this new life of--and in--sobriety.


This short story was inspirationally remembered from a remark by Mary LA (click!) that she hid empty liquor bottles in her bedroom, and yet others where she would see them as she arose before breakfast. My story:

There was a time--and this I do remember--that I was so positive I'd run out of booze, that I kept a closet full of cases of full quarts of Vodka, Bourbon, Scotch, and Gin. While preparing myself for work, I'd take a swig (long pull, or gulp) from each bottle, until I was satisfied.

And then I methodically filled each of those quarts (minus 4 oz.) with water, until I got all the way to the last one. In this way, I guaranteed myself spirits for a longer period of time, and saved money.

But truly, it was neither money nor guarantees. All that mattered to me was that each morning, I'd check my closet first thing, and find ALL the bottles filled to the brim. Sheer JOY, euphoria! It just never occurred to me that...I mean...Ummmmm...WHO was I kidding?

Now I can say with personal knowledge and with truth, that "Some are sicker than others"!

Real, real, sick-a-roni
Who is seemingly getting better!
And, in LOVE and service,
Steve E.


Prayer Girl said...

I played the 'add water to the liquor bottle' game. BUT my mind was so scrambled, I did a really rotten job of it.

I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore.

Prayer Girl

Ed G. said...

Yer a better man than me...

In those days, there was not a drop left in the house. I'd store it up, hide it from myself and would still all get drunk - a long story (sometime an article of it's own) but I only stopped when I was out or passed out.

This was the only way my drinking was "controlled"...

Lou said...

The hoarding, the hiding & stashing, the fear of running out..those behaviors I saw in my addict also. Sad, desperate, universal behaviors of broken spirits.

Catvibe said...

God, the suffering, the tricking, the self loathing...I'm so glad you are in recovery Stev-e-roni, you lovely person, you.

Alive And Smiling (Jim) said...

Nice message today Steve. I wasn't much of a liquor drinker but I did plan my day around securing the next days beer and on the weekends I had to plan for Sunday because you can't buy alcohol here on Sunday. When I would forget about Sunday, I wold have to wait for midnight and then drive to another county where they started selling at midnight on Sunday. Unbelievable that I would do that but I did. Then there was always the problem of stashing the empty cans or bottles and managing to throw away that much without the neighbors realizing what was going on. This post was perfect for me today because my mind is playing tricks on me, telling me that after a week everything is good with me but I have to remember how sick I was or am and that I do need help. Hope you have a nice day Steve!

Syd said...

Cunning, baffling, and powerful disease.

Anonymous said...

The games we play...tsk tsk. So glad those days are over!

Shadow said...

being a girl's much easier, just use the kitchen cupboards. no-one ever looks there, heee heee heee. so now, before posting another pic of the choc chip cookies, you'd better either mail me some or give me the darn recipe!

Just Be Real said...

Games....what games! Nah, appreciate the messages you bring daily Stevie, thank you! Blessings

Cat said...

my husband was big on empty bottles collecting around the house as if little trophies. Some were hidden and some were in plain view there was no rhyme or reason he just did what he did... and I remember that strange quirk. Is it odd I find it comforting that others behaved in the same way? I like that he was not so different from so many others...

Zanejabbers said...

How the hell did you make it to work? I'm glad you made it to AA and the fland of blogs. You sure help make the day better.

Steve E. said...

Zane, as you probably? know, when one such as tu ou moi have been drunk for 25-30 years, we've been through phases--or levels--of hell along the way. I have trouble separating them, so yes, one quart of booze and 10-12 Lowenbrau and some Liebfraumilch was like "maintenance" diet for a good number of years, before it really caught up with me.

I might blog on this some time, it needs explaining--because some newer member seem to have not gone down as far as others of us/me.

Thank for the thought--and the humor, and for being YOU!

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